Audrey Hepburn

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Arkwright

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« on: October 03, 2017, 02:16:47 PM »
Hey people.... Not looking for a review at this stage, just looking for opinions on which of the following should form the chorus and which should form the verse. I can work with either.

A
You’re a B movie extra
Chasing an A lister life
Hit all the lows
And never reached the highs
Think you’re Rita Hayworth
But the camera never lies

B
You cut a lonely figure
In a world you call your stage
The spotlight’s finally faded
On a script with no final page
When you wake up in the morning
With no more lines to learn
You’ll find me having ‘Breakfast at Tiffanys’
With Audrey Hepburn

Many thanks in advance...

Arkwright

Wicked Deeds

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« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2017, 01:49:01 PM »
Hey Arkwright,

If it's going to be called Audrey Hepburn then it's obvious that B should be the chorus. You introduce  the title at the end. I'd say that you then need to deliver the chorus with a catchy melody that repeatedly refers to the actress Audrey Hepburn.

Paul

Paulski

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« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2017, 05:12:46 PM »
Hi Arkwright

It's not a fair question where we don't know whether the song is about Audrey Hepburn, or someone else (who is the "you"?  ;D) For me, a chorus should avoid stating facts or further the storyline, so neither stanza fully qualifies but I would lean toward A because it's shorter (notwithstanding the fact that it doesn't include the hook/title  ;D)

Paul

diademgrove

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« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2017, 09:59:14 PM »
Hi Arkwright,

A is definitely the chorus for me.

Reminds me of the Kinks' Celluloid Heroes, no bad thing.

Keith

Jackdaw

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« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2017, 01:10:38 AM »
Hmmm?
Have you been reading my lyrics for JAYLEEN?

JACKDAW1888
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Arkwright

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« Reply #5 on: October 05, 2017, 07:58:40 AM »
Hmmm?
Have you been reading my lyrics for JAYLEEN?

JACKDAW1888

I hadn't, but I have now... why do you ask?

Neil C

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« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2017, 09:10:46 AM »
Steve,

not entirely answering the exam question for me they are both a tad wordy for a chorus. I like them simple, direct and repeated and/or repeatable.
i.e. Audrey Hepburn the girl with dark brown hair
     Audrey Hepburn you'd have to stop and stair

Anyway the last four lines of the second section could form it, although the 'you'll find me having' is quite a lot to sing compared to the other three lines.

The first half of that second section could be a pre-chorus perhaps?

hope this helps

Anyway promising start and if you're looking for some musical accompaniment please get in contact.

 :)

neil
songwriter of no repute..

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2017, 08:04:30 AM »
I don't think either one is a chorus.  I think one is a verse, and one is a bridge. 

I think the chorus is still to be found.  It needs to be simpler than either of these, and a bit repetitive imo.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Arkwright

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« Reply #8 on: November 22, 2017, 05:44:12 PM »
Thanks for your thoughts guys.. I've spent the last month working on the lyrics and have decided to abandon it completely  ;D

Not sure why I spent so much time on it as I usually run out of patience after a couple of days, but a voice in my head said to keep going...

Lesson for today, don't listen to the voices in your head. :D