[monkeywriter]

Hi,

I am a songwriter, but not the best performer or producer. I recorded this song on my phone so dont mind the crappy quality and poor singing. Curious if you guys/girls think this song has any potential? Its not my idea to sing it myself (because i dont consider my voice good enough), so if you are a singer and want to do something with this song please let me know.

Working title: On the run

I still see the day when I met you in the clay
a long long time ago and far away
i never understood, but when I' m with you its just all good
will you please let me take care of you i could
from this day I belong, to you until your gone
I will love you all day long, and after dark, until the dawn

this years passed away, just as happy as today
like all the sweet things you used to say
when I was feeling sad, you always told me lad
we are not alone something we never had
and so every day felt right, when you were by my side
forever on this ride, on which I'll never have to hide

but after a while, I just couldnt make you smile
the sadness in your eyes was there to stay
I couldnt find a way, not like before, or understood
I couldnt help you anymore this very day

and i should have known, I am better off alone
just on my own I know, it feels like coming home
you dont need to say where you lay your head
in whatever bed you now break bread baby its okay

outro:

you're the clever one, no you're never done
when you're on the run, forever hon
it's never fun to win a ton, you cant take none
when you're on the run hon.

Link:

[monkeywriter]

i am wondering: why dont i get any feedback what so ever. not on my introduction, and also not on this song. 

[Jay-morris]

I like it! Like the melody and the lyrics. Like the way the guitar sounds too

[PaulyX]

Hi Monkeywriter

Your song has a sort of folk / trad feel to my ears.  Not sure if that was because of the acoustic guitar backing but I think it's probably more than that - your melodies reminded me of a trad song like "Scarborough Fair" or something of that ilk. There was something a little Celtic about it too (could imagine it being performed in an Irish pub). So it quickly felt familiar and accessible, which is maybe a good thing unless you're wanting to break new ground with it.
Lyrically in my view there were some nice turns of phrase, but occasionally it felt like you were chasing rhymes really hard... there are a LOT of rhymes in this (rhymes within lines and between lines).  In a way I thought that reinforced the trad song charm of it, but also at times made it feel slightly 'nursery rhyme like' if you know what I mean since the rhymes are also very straight (day/clay/away etc).  I thought you didn't need such a strong rhyme structure for it to still work, if you wanted to have more freedom in the lyrics to say what you want to say, you could deviate from the rhymes a bit.  If you were after that old school trad feel though, stick with it.
I wouldn't worry much about your voice.  I know this is only a rough take but for a phone recording you were sounding pretty good!  I did not notice any obvious bum notes or anything and your voice is pretty characterful.  Could imagine it sounding great if properly recorded with a decent mike etc.
I hope that's of some use.

By the way, as for not getting much feedback, I am sure if you jump in and start reviewing other's songs people will return the favour.  Generally people don't look as much at this Works in Progress board as the Finished Songs one I think but be patient and they will come...

Cheers and looking forward to the next song.
Pauly

[monkeywriter]

thanks for your input guys!

Very nice that you hear some celtic ( or irish folk) cause that was what i was aiming for :

What do you think about the shift in the song? Lowering of voice,etc.