[Mverboekend]

Hey guys,

I've been working on this track on and off and trying to finish it now. However, I feel like it's not quite ready yet but I don't know why or what is missing ... To me it feels a bit bland but can't put my finger on it.

So I'm hoping you could help me out and give it a listen, and perhaps have an idea what to change (or not)? Would really appreciate your help!

https://soundcloud.com/marieke-verboekend/we-ended-nowhere/s-tSchQ

Lyrics:

Silencing the voices in my head
They are trying to take me back
To a time when you were still mine
To a time where we were still kind

We are only shadows of the past
We were never meant to last

Chorus:
We fell out of the sky
We were flying to high
We went everywhere
But we ended nowhere

Somewhere in the dark I see your ghost
It still haunts me, even when I'm not alone
Why can I not find some rest
Why'd you torture me to death

We are only shadows of the past
We were never meant to last

Chorus

Bridge
We are only shadows in this light
We were never meant to shine as bright

Chorus.

Many thanks!!

Marieke

[CaliaMoko]

Hi Marieke,

You didn't specify if you were talking about the lyric or the production (or both??) when you indicated something still seems to be missing from this song but you can't figure out what.

So I'll just mention a couple things that occur to me.

1. There doesn't seem to be any development in the production. The verses, choruses, everything, pretty much has the same feel throughout. Maybe there is something you can do to build it up as it goes, and then pull back toward the end?

2. The verses and choruses sound very much alike; I don't notice much of a contrast at all. Maybe doing something different with the chorus would help you find what you're after.

3. Is the bridge when you are singing "do do do"? Or is it the two lines under the word "bridge". Either way, I don't hear the "lift" or change in feel I expect from a bridge. Again, it has the same sound as the rest of the song.

And now, I feel like I'm only complaining about everything. So I should mention something I like, as well.

I think my favorite lines are "We are only shadows of the past / We were never meant to last". I also like the chorus. It feels like it's saying "we" tried to make too much of what we had and we overdid it and ruined it. It also makes me think of how two people who are initially attracted to each other have a tendency to think the object of their affection is totally perfect. So, of course, their expectations are flying "too high" and they end up falling "out of the sky".

Two lines don't feel right to me and could maybe use more work: "Why can I not find some rest / Why'd you torture me to death".

You have a beautiful voice, by the way.

Hope this is at least a little helpful.  And if I haven't already said so, welcome to the forum (a little late--sorry). It's great to see you jumping in and getting involved. I look forward to seeing more from you.

Sincerely,
Vicki

[Mverboekend]

Hey Vicki,

Thank you so much for your reply, I appreciate it!

I think you are right that it sounds too similar (perhaps why I thought it sounded a bit bland), and looking at the chords as well they are quite similar throughout the song, so I will see if I can change something up (also in the rest of the production).

Yeah the bridge is not really a bridge, so understandably you expected something else I will see if I can change this as well.

And thanks for pointing out your likes as well, my sensitive artist soul appreciates it haha

Very happy to be on this forum and provide and receive feedback, it's so helpful and I really enjoy hearing what you all make, so thanks again

[Skub]

Yo Marieke.

Vicki comprehensively covered most of what I'd have mentioned.

You have a very compelling voice,I hear that Judy Tzuke thing going on.

The song itself is nearly there,just a few tweaks needed to take it up a level.

Ta for posting. 

[pompeyjazz]

Hi - Have to agree with Vicki's comments in the main. I think the melody is strong and your voice is very good. Maybe it needs just a bit more meat in the chorus, just to differentiate it. I like it a lot though 

[PaulyX]

Think I've said it before but you've (still) got a very strong voice.
I also enjoyed the mid-tempo feel to this and the relatively simple production.
As others have said, that simplicity gives you a real opportunity to make the choruses go "Bam!" if you throw in some more layers at those points (strings probably the default weapon of choice for this kind of stuff?!), and perhaps take the vocal melody up so you are reaching for higher notes than in the verses.
I hope you keep developing it.
By the way, really like the little vocal glide you do at 2:44 with the word "sky".

[Paulski]

Lovely vocals in this - very innocent and fresh sounding.
I like the simplicity but I think it needs a sustaining instrument.
Everything is very percussive - maybe strings or organ or synth IDK.
When there is all that percussion, it doesn't flow or seem glued together.
Plus bottom end would be nice - a bass or viola - sth to give it richness.

Good song - I liked it 

Paul

[mickyplankton]

hello Marie ke. I agree generally with Vicki's comments and the other observations above. having read your opening note, I was expecting the song to be bland and it's actually a really good song. you have a great voice. I also like the production especially the rythm section.
My two pennys: if you want to make it beefier and more interesting I would personally focus on the piano. it's light and gentle throughout the song and there's a lot more you can do with this instrument. PaulskI on this forum is a brilliant songwriter with piano so he can give better advice than me but perhaps introduce a lower octave as the song develops and add a bit more virtuoso too

[Mverboekend]

Thank you all for your kind comments! I really appreciate it!

I have worked on it and as you suggested brought the piano more forward and added strings in the chorus section.  For more contrast I scaled back the verses and changed the chords a bit (and hence the melody a bit). I also made the bridge more bridgy

Final result:

https://soundcloud.com/marieke-verboekend/we-ended-nowhere-1

I hope that it's a bit more dynamic now, thanks again for all your help!!

[redrhodie]

I only listened to the updated version, and I thought it was pretty compelling. I think your lyrics and vocals are great.

[mickyplankton]

This is controversial. But i actually think i slightly prefer the original version. Maybe its because it stuck in my head when i first heard it. I think the tinkering in the melody for the 2nd version loses something along the way. i would keep both versions and get a considered opinion on which is better (dont just take my word for it)

[Mverboekend]

Hi Red and Mickey,

Thanks for your comments and compliments!

Eheh not helping with the controversy, but I see your point I will have a think on it...

Thanks all for your time and comments!!

<3