konalavadome

You set me free

  • 6 Replies
  • 1310 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

kaalbas

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 34
    • https://soundcloud.com/michael-harboe-skjoldborg/six-feet-under-by-the-lost-soul-revival
« on: September 22, 2017, 08:51:10 PM »
Hey there

I'm hoping someone could help me with the grammar on a song I'm working on. English isn't my first laungage, so I would be really thankful If someone could help me. I'm not sure if the chorus should be past or present? Thanks. Michael

You set me free

Verse 1

Everything has changed
and fallen into place
you came into my life
and put the smile back on my face
You picked up all the pieces
when I fell apart
And filled me with love
When I had an empty heart

Pre chorus

I was caught in the chains of fate
but you showed
it's never too late

Chorus

You make me live
you set me free
I feel so blessed
you're like an angel
Watching over me
You brake every chain
make my pain
go away
You're a shining light
Turn the night
Bright as day
You set me free

Verse 2

I was lost and broken
lived my life in fear
You saved me from myself
And made it disappear
You gave me back the strenght
When I was feeling weak
And everytime I fell
You got me on my feet

Bridge

Sometimes it's a struggle
just to make it through the day
but despite of my frustrations
I wouldn't want it any other way
My heart is always yours
whatever we'll go through
I promise I'll be there
I'll be right there for you

(There are of course more than one chorus)


CaliaMoko

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3687
  • Strumming on the couch in pigtails
    • Late Bloomers Rock
« Reply #1 on: September 22, 2017, 11:41:46 PM »
I'm fussy about grammar, so I took a look at this. Didn't see much to fix. I do have a suggestion, but it isn't really "bad grammar" related. Not too much, anyway.

1. The pre-chorus
I was caught in the chains of fate
but you showed
it's never too late


I suggest coming up with something different for "showed". This one is slightly off grammatically, as the word "showed" should have an object. I mean, the phrase should say who or what was showed. For instance, you could say "but you showed me" or "but you showed the world" or something like that. Alternatively, if you don't want to increase your number of syllables, you could say something like, "but you proved", as "proved" does not need an object.

2. There's a couple spelling errors, but I don't worry too much about those, as long as I'm sure I know what they should be. Like "You brake (should be break) every chain". I can tell you mean to render the chain into pieces, not "stop" it. And I'm pertty sure "strenght" (strength) is a typo, and it's clear what it means.

So, in summary, you did as well as--and better than many--people whose native language is English.  :D  Except for the "but you showed", I like this just as it is.

Vicki

kaalbas

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 34
    • https://soundcloud.com/michael-harboe-skjoldborg/six-feet-under-by-the-lost-soul-revival
« Reply #2 on: September 23, 2017, 01:28:15 PM »
Hey Vicki

Thank you so much for taking the time to help me. I really appriciate it. Now I can begin to record the vocal. Never had any singing lesson but I'm hoping it'll be okay. I'm gonna post it on one of the forums when I'm done to get some opinions. It's a song to my wife and children

Michael

Rosie1991

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 13
« Reply #3 on: October 21, 2017, 06:15:53 AM »
Hi the words to this song are heart felt and would  love to hear this in a song

Jackdaw

  • *
  • Open Mic
  • **
  • Posts: 221
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2017, 05:53:09 PM »
Hi the words to this song are heart felt and would  love to hear this in a song


Agreed...
Much better lyrics than listening to some mumbo jumbo come gobbly gooks written about a friggin BEARD as is posted upon this supposed SongWriters board!!!

Jackdaw1888
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

tone

  • *
  • Administrator
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Forum Former Führer
  • Posts: 3551
  • The People's Democratic Republic of Songwriting
    • Anthony Lane on soundcloud
« Reply #5 on: October 28, 2017, 12:14:20 PM »
Just another quick reminder Jackdaw in case you didn't see my comment on the beard thread. This is a premium example of the kind of posts that don't belong on this forum. It contributes nothing, is not constructive, is petty, unkind, disrespectful and childish. Please read the guidelines for posting and adjust your contributions accordingly. Thanks
New EP: Straitjacket - Listen here

1st track from my upcoming album -- Click to listen -- Thanks!

Please read the rules before posting in the feedback forums http://bit.l

rightly

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 1912
  • newer Soundcloud https://soundcloud.com/2rightly
    • My cloud o' sound.
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2017, 09:50:33 AM »
I enjoyed reading that.  :)
Seems heartfelt.
I couldn't see any grammy worthy mistakes, just maybe you misspelt the word 'strength'.

Thanks for sharing.
It's either this or that, then again it might be the other. 

I can promise you a future of slow decline.

Don't eat the yellow snow

And there you have it. 

https://soundcloud.com/2rightly

https://soundcloud.com/rightly