Quiet

  • 7 Replies
  • 1305 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Mizz A Mind

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 9
    • Mizz A Mind Official Website
« on: September 16, 2017, 02:45:33 PM »
This is a poem called “Quiet” about a character with the same name. While it could work as experimental rap, I think that I would like to present it in the classic industrial style of groups like “Throbbing Gristle” or “Consumer Electronics.”

I would like to see what you guys think it’s about, because ultimately, I’d want people to understand, or at least take something away from it in isolation without me needing to explain things.

I am quite sure that I am happy with most everything here, however, I wonder if it could be any shorter. If perhaps one verse is obsolete or could be merged with another one which perhaps lingers unnecessarily on the same point.

Quiet

Quiet!
You can’t afford to crack
So you can't afford to care
So you can't afford to feel
While your skin wears and peels

Your bared anatomy raw
Block the gore from your thoughts
And live your loopy life asleep
As a stumbling corpse

Quiet
You have got work, Quiet!
Don’t you love her, Quiet?
Then make her better, Quiet
Keep quiet now, Quiet!

Quiet kind one
Your mother raised a blind son
Well mannered and then some
Little too much patience
You're cruelly fucked for kindness
Bent over and ass ripped
Rapists have their needs too
Shouldn't be denied to you

Introspection makes you hate
Yourself to only give and never take
A Narcissist takes till you break
Then paints the guilt within your face
You’ll cut yourself for her mistakes
Lashing out in slavery state
Nigger better know your place
What is right she will dictate

Quiet, you're like all the exes
Quiet, you're the fuckin' bestest
She's the fuckin' best kiss
Quiet, you're so blessed, kid!
But Quiet is loud and frightening
With his possessiveness tightening
She was only cheating
Quiet needs a gas enlightening

Don’t you ever fuckin' doubt her!
Unless you do not love her
Where'd you be without her?
That loneliness was such hurt
Quiet, what the fuck you worth?
She's your first requited love
You don’t deserve a damn thing
From this cold unfeeling earth

Quiet, silent from abuse
It’s easier if you don’t refuse
Folks act like they hate you
So don’t cry and make them -hate- you!

But cut yourself and she'll cut herself
‘Cos you'll remind her of her hell
Wicked men trigger the girl
You're so selfish, needing help

Yes, she’s damaged, but that ends
There are things that can’t defend
So just how much can you excuse?
When if you're loosed she may be doomed!

You never use your fucking mouth
Unless you're helping someone out
While nakedly she drags you south
Nerves are keeping your head down

Is she to blame, is she empowered?
Or are you just a fucking coward!
Whose scared you’ll never love again
Loose your place, your life, your friends

Your self esteem is where this ends?
?Can’t you fucking comprehend
You've attained those things before!
Now take control and take the door

Quiet, I'm inside your head
Manifested thoughts inflated
Hate me and live on sedated
Be me and be free but hated!

Quiet, you are but an aspect
From a character detracted
I promise you’re allowed to hurt
You’re not alone, you have these words

At least your art isn’t quiet

diademgrove

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2134
« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2017, 08:51:20 AM »
Welcome to the Forum Mizz A Mind,

your poem is easy to understand in isolation. Its bleak and long but gets over the person's loathing for himself. The problem for me is I see many of the qualities the poem sees as weaknesses as strengths. The person comes across as kind and considerate.

I can hear it read over a Throbbing Gristle track. I wouldn't buy it though unless the music was excellent.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree. I look forward to reading some more of your words.

Keith

redrhodie

  • *
  • Platinum Album
  • ****
  • Posts: 787
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2017, 02:03:01 PM »
I keep coming back to this and rereading it. I think that will tell you more than I can say with words.

I'd be interested to hear you write chords and a melody for this, mostly to get you out of your industrial comfort zone. I think it would be a good exercise, but one you might not enjoy.

Mizz A Mind

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 9
    • Mizz A Mind Official Website
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2017, 04:17:19 PM »
Welcome to the Forum Mizz A Mind,

your poem is easy to understand in isolation. Its bleak and long but gets over the person's loathing for himself. The problem for me is I see many of the qualities the poem sees as weaknesses as strengths. The person comes across as kind and considerate.

I can hear it read over a Throbbing Gristle track. I wouldn't buy it though unless the music was excellent.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree. I look forward to reading some more of your words.

Keith

Thank you very much for the feedback! The voice of the poem is very much Quiet's externalized inner-monologue, often mocking either his opinion of himself or imitating the perception which he believes the world to have of him.

Quiet is a kind person. The flaws that I as the writer, (and not the voice utilized throughout the poem,) am trying to illustrate is that he is terrified to satisfy his own needs and mend his own pain whenever doing so would, in his mind, present any burden on another person, specifically his love interest.

He is quiet about the way she seems to treat him because, despite catering to her whims and needs, because he worries that the moment that he presents any of his own discontentment to her, he will be abandoned.

Quiet has an unhealthy view of himself, and only just towards the end is reassured that it's OK for him to feel hurt and indulge himself. That's why the poem is berating him for being kind and quiet. It's quite a complex thing to convey so, based on this, I should see if I can revise this at all to clarify, though I also want to keep things somewhat vauge so that people can project onto Quiet.

Mizz A Mind

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 9
    • Mizz A Mind Official Website
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2017, 04:21:07 PM »
I keep coming back to this and rereading it. I think that will tell you more than I can say with words.

I'd be interested to hear you write chords and a melody for this, mostly to get you out of your industrial comfort zone. I think it would be a good exercise, but one you might not enjoy.

It would be interesting, although, I've recently written quite a few acoustic songs, extreme metal songs, gothic ballads, etc. but I noticed that I was getting quite suffocated with overly condensed verses and a format that I was seemingly increasingly limiting myself in. Looking back at some industrial stuff and being introduced to some new poets, I thought to write something a lot less restricted to broaden my horizons in this case. :)

redrhodie

  • *
  • Platinum Album
  • ****
  • Posts: 787
« Reply #5 on: September 21, 2017, 05:27:32 PM »
I keep coming back to this and rereading it. I think that will tell you more than I can say with words.

I'd be interested to hear you write chords and a melody for this, mostly to get you out of your industrial comfort zone. I think it would be a good exercise, but one you might not enjoy.

It would be interesting, although, I've recently written quite a few acoustic songs, extreme metal songs, gothic ballads, etc. but I noticed that I was getting quite suffocated with overly condensed verses and a format that I was seemingly increasingly limiting myself in. Looking back at some industrial stuff and being introduced to some new poets, I thought to write something a lot less restricted to broaden my horizons in this case. :)

Oh, cool. In that case, have at it! Can't wait to hear what you do with this.

I dig unconventional music, so I will definitely keep an eye out for it and let you know what I think.

Sorry I wasn't more help with your questions about the lyrics. I don't feel like I can offer suggestions until I hear the music. Nothing blatantly stood out to me as needing work.

Lynn

Mizz A Mind

  • *
  • Busker
  • *
  • Posts: 9
    • Mizz A Mind Official Website
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2017, 12:57:20 PM »
Oh, cool. In that case, have at it! Can't wait to hear what you do with this.

I dig unconventional music, so I will definitely keep an eye out for it and let you know what I think.

Sorry I wasn't more help with your questions about the lyrics. I don't feel like I can offer suggestions until I hear the music. Nothing blatantly stood out to me as needing work.

Lynn

Not to worry at all. ^.^ I've taken something very useful from this, but even hearing that you like it gives me hope and motivation to see the project be completed.

PaulAds

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3477
  • Haemorrhaging Enthusiasm
« Reply #7 on: September 24, 2017, 10:27:05 PM »
Hello

I really like this...though I did find it a little shocking in places...maybe I'm just too old  :)

heart of stone, feet of clay, knob of butter