[Brady]

Verse 1
We only just met late last night,
But I was looking in your eyes, and I knew
That one day, you’d be mine
So now we’re going to my home,
And you don’t use your cell phone
Because you feel safe, and we feel right


Pre-Chorus
Oh, baby don’t run, I think you may be the one,
Who will turn my life back around
And oh, don’t be afraid, I feel like we’re made
To fall in love in this small town


Chorus
Because when I wake up with you, at midnight
It’s dark outside, but there’s sunlight
When I see you walk into the room
And the stars are shining so bright
But they don’t match the sunlight
That I see when I look at you


Verse 2
The years are starting to fly by,
But you’re the same girl by my side, and I know
I was right, to make you mine
Our kids are leaving for their school,
And now it is just me and you
Laughing alone in this house, it must be a sign


Pre-Chorus
Oh, darling you stayed, and I was right, I was made
A better man, whose life was turned around
And yeah we were made, to be together, never fade
Our love grew strong in this same town


Chorus
Because when I wake up with you, at midnight
It’s dark outside, but there’s sunlight
When you walk into our room
And the stars are shining so bright
But they can’t match the sunlight
That I see when I look at you
And now that we’re old, my sight
Is blinded by the sunlight
Our love never ceased, it only grew


Bridge/End
And we’re both beginning to see the light,
But it’s not normal sunlight,
At the end of the tunnel, I’m still with you
You’re the bulb that shines in my eyes
But I can’t get enough of the sunlight
The light that proves our love was true


Thanks for taking the time to read. Any feedback at all is appreciated. I'm not sure you guys will be able to know what exactly my vision is for these lyrics, but I'll gladly listen to any suggestions.
Thanks again!

[kartman]

I like the overall tone of the lyric but many things distract me from completely diving into this coziness of small-town-lived-happily-everafter-and-died-together romance.

First, the combination of lines "And you don’t use your cell phone / Because you feel safe" and "Oh, baby dont run" feel really creepy to me (and funny, tbh, in the context on analysing a lyric )
Also why say "And oh, don't be afraid" when you already pointed that she feels safe. Have you scared her? Did she see something inside your house that scared her and she wanted to run away? So many questions... 

Also I see a lot of night/bright/light/sunlight rhymes, especially closer to the end. When I write myself and notice such things I know that I overused a word or rhyme.

Related to that is one of the main lines in chorus "Its dark outside, but there's sunlight". It is confusing to me because such combination of "dark" and "sun" and "stars" puzzled me and distracted attention. A simple change from "there's sunlight" to "there's a light" sort of fixes a problem to me, but its up to you of course.

Later in verses a line "Laughing alone in this house, it must be a sign" made me wonder of what could be a thing that made them laugh in a situation when they're old, kids are gone and they're alone. And then there's a sign... sign of what?.. Its questions again... 

And finally the bridge. I would say that it is unnecessary and doesnt flow, but its your song, so you can kill off any number of happy old couples you want. Basic suggestion is to make it more poetic or symbolic and avoid rhymes like light/sunlight and avoid descriptions lie "beginning to see the light / But it’s not normal sunlight" because it sounds too formal and like a medical report rather than a poem.

Thanks for this thing, I enjoyed reviewing)

[Brady]

I like the overall tone of the lyric but many things distract me from completely diving into this coziness of small-town-lived-happily-everafter-and-died-together romance.

First, the combination of lines "And you don’t use your cell phone / Because you feel safe" and "Oh, baby dont run" feel really creepy to me (and funny, tbh, in the context on analysing a lyric )
Also why say "And oh, don't be afraid" when you already pointed that she feels safe. Have you scared her? Did she see something inside your house that scared her and she wanted to run away? So many questions... 

Also I see a lot of night/bright/light/sunlight rhymes, especially closer to the end. When I write myself and notice such things I know that I overused a word or rhyme.

Related to that is one of the main lines in chorus "Its dark outside, but there's sunlight". It is confusing to me because such combination of "dark" and "sun" and "stars" puzzled me and distracted attention. A simple change from "there's sunlight" to "there's a light" sort of fixes a problem to me, but its up to you of course.

Later in verses a line "Laughing alone in this house, it must be a sign" made me wonder of what could be a thing that made them laugh in a situation when they're old, kids are gone and they're alone. And then there's a sign... sign of what?.. Its questions again... 

And finally the bridge. I would say that it is unnecessary and doesnt flow, but its your song, so you can kill off any number of happy old couples you want. Basic suggestion is to make it more poetic or symbolic and avoid rhymes like light/sunlight and avoid descriptions lie "beginning to see the light / But it’s not normal sunlight" because it sounds too formal and like a medical report rather than a poem.

Thanks for this thing, I enjoyed reviewing)

Thanks for the in-depth response. I agree that I used words that rhyme with "light" too much, I'll change 'em. When I'm saying "don't run, don't be scared" and things like that, I'm trying to show how concerned I am that I'll let this girl get away and how she may be afraid of getting hurt again.
In the song, the "sunlight" is a metaphor for the girl I'm singing about - when I say it's dark outside, but there's sunlight, I'm talking metaphorically - the girl is all the light I need. Also, they'd be laughing because they're still together - the love worked out, against all odds. It's a sign that they were meant to be together and that the love hasn't died.
I'll look over the bridge and see if there's anything I'd like to change. If you have any suggestions please post them! I may end up just removing it, like you said.
I also do agree that the song is kind of cliche, but it's one of my first attempts at writing.
Thanks for the response, again! You've given me many things to change and think about.

[Neil C]

Hi,
Good title and concept. You convey the emotions in a distinct manner. Some thinning out will increase the power of the lyrics as had been mentioned. You also not following a regular rhyming scheme, which will make it a bit harder to sing but it's no deal breaker.

The 4th line - going to any home, seems odd to me..

Good luck with it
 
Neil

[Brady]

Hi,
Good title and concept. You convey the emotions in a distinct manner. Some thinning out will increase the power of the lyrics as had been mentioned. You also not following a regular rhyming scheme, which will make it a bit harder to sing but it's no deal breaker.

The 4th line - going to any home, seems odd to me..

Good luck with it
 
Neil

Thanks Neil!
Also, the 4th line was a typo, my bad - it's "going to my home". I've changed it now