konalavadome

Limbo

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Pawy

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« on: August 19, 2017, 08:05:29 PM »
Hi! The lyrics might seem confusing without the music, but I'm posting them mostly to see if someone can identify any grammar mistake or something that doesn't make sense (English is not my first language). Enjoy!

(((The following version has been modified as I took some good advice from another user)))

As I pass by what’s now a random place
A lot of memories pop in into my head.
I cannot help but wonder if life treats you well.
I feel so tempted to call and ask,
But I have to let go.

[CHORUS]
How So many times have I I have asked myself:
“Was I right? Was I wrong?”
I made a decision for both of us.
What was the reason? I forgot.
It’s so easy to blame this my resistance to change
On this guilt trip that I put myself on.
I won’t get you out of my mind till I start looking forward and not back.

I start digging my nails into my hands.
Tears are desperately trying to make their way back.
I take the deepest a deep breath as I close my eyes,
‘Cause I know I’m stronger than that
And I’m gonna let go.

[CHORUS]

But when I open my eyes again, I find out I don't  feel that familiar pain
Anymore...
So I smile to myself, shake my head, turn around and walk away.

[CHORUS]
How So many times did I I used to ask myself:
“Was I right? Was I wrong?”
I made a decision and I don’t care
About the reason anymore.
Now it’s easy to breathe, now it’s easy to see
How colorful the world without you is.
The voice in my head says “I told you so, I knew you could let go”.
 
 
Thank you for reading!
 
 
« Last Edit: August 20, 2017, 06:08:44 PM by Pawy »

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2017, 08:55:44 PM »
Your grammar and word usage looks pretty good to me overall. I'm usually pretty picky, though, and I do recommend considering a few changes:

"A lot of memories pop into my head." Makes more sense than "pop in"

"But when I open my eyes again, I find out realize I don't feel that familiar pain" Feels smoother, less awkward

"It’s so easy to blame this my resistance to change Gets rid of repetitive word "this"
On this guilt trip that I put myself on. Tightens up unnecessarily wordy phrase

The above could also go:
"It's so easy to blame this resistance to change
On the guilt trip I put myself on."
In both cases, though, we still have one line that begins and ends with the word "on". I'm not sure how to fix that, thoughl

"How So many times have I have asked myself:" Feels stronger to me, less passive

"I take the deepest breath as I close my eyes," This is an unusual way to say something: "the deepest breath". I would normally expect that to be followed by something like "as I can" or "I've ever taken" or something like that. I recommend something more like "I take a deep breath" or maybe "I take (or my) the deepest breath ever as I..."

"So I smile to myself, shake my head, turn around and walk away." Tightens up unnecessarily wordy phrase

Keep in mind, these recommendations are based on my opinions and understanding of the English language. Use or lose as suits you. Hope something is helpful to you.

Vicki
« Last Edit: August 20, 2017, 06:24:57 PM by CaliaMoko »

Pawy

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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2017, 06:16:39 PM »
Your grammar and word usage looks pretty good to me overall. I'm usually pretty picky, though, and I do recommend considering a few changes:

"A lot of memories pop into my head." Makes more sense than "pop in"

"But when I open my eyes again, I find out realize I don't feel that familiar pain" Feels smoother, less awkward

"It’s so easy to blame this my resistance to change Gets rid of repetitive word "this"
On this guilt trip that I put myself on. Tightens up unnecessarily wordy phrase

The above could also go:
"It's so easy to blame this resistance to change
On the guilt trip I put myself on."
In both cases, though, we still have one line that begins and ends with the word "on". I'm not sure how to fix that, thoughl

"How So many times have I have asked myself:" Feels stronger to me, less passive

"I take the deepest breath as I close my eyes," This is an unusual way to say something: "the deepest breath". I would normally expect that to be followed by something like "as I can" or "I've ever taken" or something like that. I recommend something more like "I take a deep breath" or maybe "I take (or my) the deepest breath ever as I..."

"So I smile to myself, shake my head, turn around and walk away." Tightens up unnecessarily wordy phrase

Keep in mind, these recommendations are based on my opinions and understanding of the English language. Use or loose as suits you. Hope something is helpful to you.

Vicki


Hi Vicki:) This is exactly what I was looking for! Thank you so much for taking the time!

"...On this guilt trip that I put myself on"

I haven't come up with any ideas to try to fix that either... but I didn't even noticed that because when I sing that line, I emphasize the word "this" instead of the first "on", so at least it isn't too noticeable when you listen to it. Still, I wanna think of something else for that part so thanks for pointing it out :)

I made the corrections you suggested and the new lyrics actually go well with the music!