JAYLEEN

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SFX

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« Reply #15 on: August 20, 2017, 12:40:27 PM »
I like this, I like how jayleen can both be a person and a metaphor for being suckered in and broken by a beautiful person.. It's simple but it works coz it's relatable , could maybe be extended a bit? Well done!

Jackdaw

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« Reply #16 on: August 20, 2017, 04:24:32 PM »
I like this, I like how jayleen can both be a person and a metaphor for being suckered in and broken by a beautiful person.. It's simple but it works coz it's relatable , could maybe be extended a bit? Well done!

I will extend this song this eve.
Keep watchin!!!
But many thanks for your kind words SFX

Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #17 on: August 20, 2017, 05:08:45 PM »
JAYLEEN

She walks on down the Boulevard
Some people stop and stare
Her fine clothes
And her elegance
So chique and debonair

Her face in all the Magazines
A Star upon your Silver Screens
She was a movie queen
A movie queen

JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory

She stands upon the Walk of Fame
Remembering her past
Her handprint in the sidewalk stone
She hopes that it will last

Her face once on the Billboard screen
The Girl of the American Dream
She was a movie queen
A movie queen

JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory

Jackdaw1888:-)
« Last Edit: August 20, 2017, 05:12:15 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

SFX

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« Reply #18 on: August 20, 2017, 05:22:29 PM »
The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it

Jackdaw

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« Reply #19 on: August 20, 2017, 05:29:41 PM »
The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it

THANKYOU!!!

The name, my name JACKDAW, is but an Anagram too.

Cheers CAW
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #20 on: August 20, 2017, 05:36:00 PM »
The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it

THANKYOU!!!

The name, my name JACKDAW, is but an Anagram too.

Cheers CAW

Ps...
The only thing me and Missy Del Rey have in common is that we were both raised as Roman Catholics.
She herself is very talented.
She herself is very beautiful.

Jackdaw1888 is none of the above :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #21 on: August 20, 2017, 06:09:40 PM »
The style of your writing reminds me a lot of some of Lana Del Reys work, I really like it! The small changes you made added so much more, it is a more complete piece of work now and I love it

Please feel free to send my loveable likeable lamented lyrics onto missy Lana Del Rey or her Agent?
Ha Ha!!!

Jackdaw1888 :-)

Ps...
I am thinking of doing a 3rd and final Verse.
What do you think???
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #22 on: August 20, 2017, 11:09:28 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?

ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?

Jackdaw1888

The letter J is Judy Garland.
Anybody clever enough to offer who is the letter Y?

Jackdaw1888:-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #23 on: August 21, 2017, 04:13:29 PM »
JAYLEEN

She walks on down the Boulevard
Some people stop and stare
Her fine clothes
And her elegance
So chique and debonair

Her face in all the Magazines
A Star upon your Silver Screens
She was a movie queen
A movie queen

JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory

She stands upon the Walk of Fame
Remembering her past
Her handprint in the sidewalk stone
She hopes that it will last

Her face once on the Billboard screen
The Girl of the American Dream
She was a movie queen
A movie queen

JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory

She watches her old movie reels
Sipping cocktails
By the score
Her Oscars dull and weary now
Lay sleeping in a drawer

She was a face on cinema screen
A Hollywood star at just seventeen
She was a movie queen
A movie queen

Jackdaw1888 :-)
« Last Edit: August 23, 2017, 10:26:52 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #24 on: August 22, 2017, 04:24:19 PM »
My next song/lyrics is entitled ....
The Face of Eleanor
Or
Eleanor

It is going to be Fab!!!
May even be 'Fantabulous'... promise x

Jackdaw :-)
« Last Edit: August 22, 2017, 04:25:54 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #25 on: August 22, 2017, 05:30:35 PM »
Okay...
I appreciate that I have'nt been a member of this Forum for that long.
But I have already noticed that some peeps just seem to diss or slate other people's Songs or Lyrics!!!
And yet they themselves offer very little?

Why???

Jackdaw1888
« Last Edit: August 22, 2017, 05:32:57 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #26 on: August 22, 2017, 05:44:05 PM »
I don't know what you mean by "slate", but I do understand "diss".

I also don't know which posts you've been reading, but I haven't personally noticed much dissing. Are you talking about when people criticize posts of lyrics and songs? I mean, when they point out details they think could be better? I've seen a lot of that, but it is almost always done respectfully and it seems most people point out their remarks are based on their opinions and understanding and invite the receiver of the crit to ignore if they don't agree.

My reason for posting my songs is for people to hunt diligently for weaknesses and to tell me about them and hopefully give me ideas for making improvements. I really, really like getting criticisms. Having people tell me it's a great song and they love it is nice, but doesn't help me improve.

But maybe you've noticed something else. You said "some peeps", so maybe it isn't wide spread? If that's the case, there are always some people who are more negative than positive. I just ignore it when it happens. That is, I ignore the negativity, but I still look to see if I can get any good out of the post.

I don't know if this helped you or not...if not, just ignore me. ;D

Jackdaw

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« Reply #27 on: August 22, 2017, 07:01:46 PM »
I don't know what you mean by "slate", but I do understand "diss".

I also don't know which posts you've been reading, but I haven't personally noticed much dissing. Are you talking about when people criticize posts of lyrics and songs? I mean, when they point out details they think could be better? I've seen a lot of that, but it is almost always done respectfully and it seems most people point out their remarks are based on their opinions and understanding and invite the receiver of the crit to ignore if they don't agree.

My reason for posting my songs is for people to hunt diligently for weaknesses and to tell me about them and hopefully give me ideas for making improvements. I really, really like getting criticisms. Having people tell me it's a great song and they love it is nice, but doesn't help me improve.

But maybe you've noticed something else. You said "some peeps", so maybe it isn't wide spread? If that's the case, there are always some people who are more negative than positive. I just ignore it when it happens. That is, I ignore the negativity, but I still look to see if I can get any good out of the post.

I don't know if this helped you or not...if not, just ignore me. ;D

I choose to ignore you.

Cheers.

Jackdaw1888

Ps...
You once sent me a PM?
« Last Edit: August 22, 2017, 07:04:26 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #28 on: August 23, 2017, 09:57:20 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?

ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?

Jackdaw1888

J = Judy Garland
A = Audrey Hepburn
Y = Yu -So - Chow
L = Lauren Becall
E = Elizabeth Taylor
E = Eva Gabor
N = NORMA JEANE

Jackdaw1888 :-)
« Last Edit: August 23, 2017, 09:58:51 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #29 on: August 24, 2017, 06:38:51 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?

ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?

Jackdaw1888

J = Judy Garland
A = Audrey Hepburn
Y = Yu -So - Chow
L = Lauren Becall
E = Elizabeth Taylor
E = Eva Gabor
N = NORMA JEANE

Jackdaw1888 :-)

Upon reflection the A in JAYLEEN is a tough call for me.
So I have decided to share it between Audrey Hepburn and Ava Gardner.
They were both beautiful and movie icons.

Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.