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JAYLEEN

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Jackdaw

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« on: August 18, 2017, 07:41:01 PM »
JAYLEEN

She walks on down the Boulevard
Some people stop and stare
Her fine clothes
And her elegance
So chique and debonair

Her face in all the Magazines
A Star upon your Silver Screens
She was a movie queen
A movie queen

JAYLEEN you were the one
You were the one
Who left me broken and blue
But the Wings of Fame that carried you
Have flown and set you free
You're now a Memory
A Memory

Early draft of JAYLEEN
Long way to go yet.

Jackdaw1888 :-)
« Last Edit: August 19, 2017, 08:52:59 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #1 on: August 18, 2017, 07:47:53 PM »
Ps...
The meaning of Jayleen is Beauty.
Or should I say a Beautiful Jaybird :-)

Jackdaw1888
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Mikey

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« Reply #2 on: August 18, 2017, 08:24:52 PM »
Interesting start, well worth developing, I like lyrics like these which have a story.

Mikey

Jackdaw

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« Reply #3 on: August 18, 2017, 08:28:58 PM »
Interesting start, well worth developing, I like lyrics like these which have a story.

Mikey

Thankyou Mikey!
Soon Jayleen will visit her hand print or footprint upon the famous Hollywood Walk me thinks?
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #4 on: August 18, 2017, 09:08:38 PM »
Interesting start, well worth developing, I like lyrics like these which have a story.

Mikey

Apologies Mikey!!!
Changed it already.
Had to put in the words Movie Queen.
Hope that is ok with you?
The story come lyrics will continue soonest.

Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Mikey

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« Reply #5 on: August 18, 2017, 09:15:24 PM »
Its your song mate, anything you do with it is fine by me! I always find that even the "final" version of any lyrics have to be tweaked once it gets set to the music.

Mikey

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2017, 04:46:13 AM »
I don't think it's "a good start."   I think its already a good lyric.  

It sang without effort on the first try and with drama.  Ready for music.  

I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.  

I think it's good the way it is.   Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse.  An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.

Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something.  You modified this after the advice.  Good for you.  

I already like it.  
« Last Edit: August 19, 2017, 04:51:20 AM by hardtwistmusic »
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2017, 07:59:49 AM »
I don't think it's "a good start."   I think its already a good lyric.  

It sang without effort on the first try and with drama.  Ready for music.  

I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.  

I think it's good the way it is.   Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse.  An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.

Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something.  You modified this after the advice.  Good for you.  

I already like it.  

WOW!!!
Many thanks Verlon Gates.
I appreciate your sound advice.
The second verse, which maybe this songs last, will be posted soonest.

Kind regards
Jackdaw1888:-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Mikey

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« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2017, 12:27:24 PM »
I don't think it's "a good start."   I think its already a good lyric.  

It sang without effort on the first try and with drama.  Ready for music.  

I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.  

I think it's good the way it is.   Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse.  An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.

Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something.  You modified this after the advice.  Good for you.  

I already like it.  

By "a good start", I wasn't saying that there was anything wrong with what was already there, only that it needed to be finished off, much like you have suggested.

Mikey

Pawy

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« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2017, 06:39:31 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Jackdaw

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« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2017, 07:57:38 PM »
I don't think it's "a good start."   I think its already a good lyric.  

It sang without effort on the first try and with drama.  Ready for music.



I liked that it stayed a little bit vague, and feel that more clarity would be too much clarity.  

I think it's good the way it is.   Now. . . you DO need one more verse, repeat the chorus again, then end with a repeat of the first verse if you choose not to add a third verse.  An instrumental bridge, and it's done, but that isn't much.

Ahhhh.... I just caught on to something.  You modified this after the advice.  Good for you.  

I already like it.  

By "a good start", I wasn't saying that there was anything wrong with what was already there, only that it needed to be finished off, much like you have suggested.

Mikey

Agreed :-)
It will be.
Promise.

Jackdaw 1888
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2017, 08:03:27 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?

Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Pawy

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« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2017, 08:12:11 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?

Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Hehe I'm pretty sure you do :) Aaaaaand that's true, I don't know a song named "Jayleen", so don't change it ;)

Jackdaw

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« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2017, 08:29:46 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Many thanks Pawy.
I happen to know what Jayleen looks like.
But then again please tell me if there has ever been a song entitled JAYLEEN?

Cheers
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Hehe I'm pretty sure you do :) Aaaaaand that's true, I don't know a song named "Jayleen", so don't change it ;)

I WON'T

Jackdaw1888
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2017, 11:28:13 PM »
I could even imagine what Jayleen looked like as I was reading. I hope I can read the rest of the lyrics soon (: The only thing I didn't like was the name Jayleen lol.. but seriously, that's a personal thing and doesn't affect how good the lyrics are at all :D Good luck with this song!

Try thinking outside of the box for a mo.
Try thinking that JAYLEEN is but an Anagram?

ie the letter N is Norma Jeane maybe?

Jackdaw1888
« Last Edit: August 20, 2017, 12:01:04 AM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.