[Darren1664]

Hey

So I recorded this a while ago with just me, my acoustic and a mic. I added a second guitar to it afterwards and kind of left it there. I don't intend to work much more on this track in terms of recording - I enjoy playing it but no ambition to do much more with it and so I thought I would post it here as finished.

The theme of the song was inspired but someone I know who, at first appearance, seems a brutish type but in fact is a loveable fellow and I really admire him. I am often plagued with my thoughts and sometimes I wish I wasn't trying to be so clever and thoughtful all the time. The song lyric aren't kind for which I do feel guilty but I liked them all the same. All comments and feedback welcome.

https://soundcloud.com/user-41129754/broken-teeth-1

Lyrics are something like:

Verse
He’s got broken teeth
Cracks that he smiles through
He’s got sunken eyes that seem to chew on two plus two

But he has love that shines
Brighter than my wisdom
He has a heart that swells greater than the words I spell

Pre Chorus
Let’s not be so hasty to judge a man so lazily
That we miss the sparkle in his eye and the beauty of a simple mind

Chorus
The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow

The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow

Verse
When I write my songs
I spit out all my fears
But when in public view I seem to chew on two plus two too

So I wish I could be
A little bit more like thee
A little bit less confined to the corners of my mind

Chorus
The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow

The less I think I think
The more I know I know
If I could switch off
The more I'd grow, grow, grow

[Viva La Stereo]

This song is so delicate. I'm a fan of lo-fi music so this is right up my street. You don't really need to do anything with it, it's a very nice recording. Rather short, but I'm guessing you did that on purpose so it's not an issue. The lyrics are nice as is the sentiment behind the song. I can imagine listening to this out in the countryside under the stars. I like it a lot.

[Jambrains]

This is really nice. To me the strongest point here is the rhythmical element i.e. grow,grow, know,know etc.
That is an excellent hook and I really think you should reconsider "not doing much more with it".
Build on that hook, perhaps add some drums etc and this could be catchy as,..... I don't know what but catchy in any case. Great potential here I'd say.

[Mikey]

Nice track, I like the sentiment in the lyrics and it is well played and sung. it has a nice catchy chorus too.

Mikey

[PaulyX]

Hey Darren,
Now you have a song to match that profile pic of you with the weird teeth!
I really like it - very short and pure, which matches the subject matter.  Again (like your last one) it has a great title - a little unusual and draws you in... I really wanted to hear it to see what it would be about.
Excellent lyrics (almost Buddhist philosophy!) and I like the way you turn the attention from "him" in the first verse to "you" in the second verse - the way you both "chew on two plus two" is a nice touch that keeps it humble.  The only word in the whole thing I didn't like is "thee" (felt a bit like Shakespearian language all of a sudden and bit of an overreach for a rhyme, plus you call the subject "he" in the rest of it so it felt a little strange to suddenly stop using the third person... could you get away with:

"So I wish I could seem
A little bit more like him"

... or something like that?

Apart from that one word though I liked everything about this - your favourite of mine so far I think, great writing backed up by neat guitar playing.

[pompeyjazz]

Of course Darren, you are absolutely right. We are told by the media what to like / dislike. Do / Say / speak / wear / eat. This is a great tune and your sentiments compliment it perfectly

[Yodasdad]

Hi,

Liked the picking and the chord changes..

It's a little on the short side for me, I was just settling into it and it was over.

Some nice melodic work in there, although I have to agree with Jambrains, t think you could develop this even more and make it really special.

Good work.

Yodasdad

[Darren1664]

Wow thanks for the great comments all! I wasn't really expecting that It was one of those written in 10 minutes jobbies that I just noddle around with and thought I'd share.

I have a lot in the WIP folder and it's a little daunting but I'll happy put this back in and move it up the queue given the kind comments. I think I will try and keep it nice and simple though and just add a break and return to the pre-chorus/chorus section to end. Maybe add percussion and if I am really brave some BVs

Pauly - I tried 'him' and not only did it work I preferred it! I, too, had a problem with that lyric but stuck with it for lack of a rhyme. Turns out I like the non rhyme there, so thanks for that!

And again thank you all for taking the time to listen and review my track. Means a lot!

Take care

Darren

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Fab lyric.

Echo what others said cos they say it better than me....

I'm in two minds about the possible development of the song...should you or shouldn't you? It's kind of simple with hidden depths which suggests to me now as I type that if you do develop it further it shouldn't be too much....yeah some percussion or something, no big fat arrangement...maybe some whistling as it's quite comtemplative in a whistling sort of way....not that I like whistling in songs really...but if you did go for that I would go for the sibilant whistling through teeth thing rather than the full-on shaped-lip whistle.

Enjoying your stuff Darren!

[Skub]

Hey Darren.

This would make a cracker busking song. I can imagine a boyo sitting on a box beating it in time.

Short,but some incisive lyrical content.

Good work man. 

[The S]

Love it! But...

The absolute killer here that I believe really makes the song shine is the fab intro picking, which for some reason we don't get to hear again except in the intro?!?

So here's my suggestion for song structure, IMHO!

Intro - Keep as is
1 verse - Keep as is
Chorus - Keep as is
After the 1st chorus - Exactly where now the 2nd verse starts, you put the intro back in. Give the listener some breathing space.
Rinse and repeat.
Outro - The intro! 

You might consider just to strum out on the last chord of the chorus and just let your voice be heard on the "grow, grow, grow" part, to make it stand out a bit more. Idk how it will sound but you could try it out.

Besides that, no need to add other instruments, I like it as is. Good stuff!

Again, IMHO!

Cheers,

Peter

[Jamie]

Hi, enjoyed the guitar playing and chords had a nice vibe to it. Lyrics and melody fitted well. I'm not sure a big production would add much to this type of song.good as it is imho!
Cheers
Jamie

[Darren1664]

Hey hey

Thank you for the kind and constructive comments

I like the idea of whistling Viscount and I think I know the kind you mean. I have, after reading comments here, managed to figure out a bridge section that would work and bring back nicely into the pre chorus. I plan on laying down another guitar take and playing around with the different ideas suggested here. I think whistling to see the song out would be nice. I'll have a play. Glad you're enjoying my stuff, nice to hear

Thanks Skub. I'd love to have a percussion buddy would make making music all the easier to have a beat in the background

You know what Peter that's a good point. I've tried with adding that guitar part in the middle and end and it sounds good there so I am going to stick with that. I like you structure - I've just added a bridge section and I'm am going to try and write a similar but slightly varied guitar section to the intro for middle to add a slight variety. Thanks for the help pal.

Thanks Jamie, I'm glad you enjoyed mate.

So I've put this back into WIP. I think I actually have everything except a few tweaks to my new bridge lyrics and some possible whistling and lead guitar lines. Just have to record it then :/ it's there I will struggle most I fear

Thanks everyone for your help - I hope to get another version finished before the end of the year my focus first is on Man Reborn which I hope to complete in October! where does time go

Take care all

Darren

[TheButcher]

Hi;

as a non english speaker i m not so good with words; but i still think, you wrote some great lyrics;

He’s got broken teeth
Cracks that he smiles through
He’s got sunken eyes that seem to chew on two plus two

But he has love that shines
Brighter than my wisdom
He has a heart that swells greater than the words I spell

ahh...that s beautiful; leave the song the way it is; tx 4 sharing

B.

[shadowfax]

Yeah, this is one of those songs that just works as is...

nice song!