Hi!
As I posted something here the other day and was told to also comment on other songs, I listened to many, and couldn't stand most.
Yours definitely makes a better impression there. I think it's too formulaic in the sense that this kind of song has been done millions of times before, it's too many quotes and too little original inspiring material. I'd change the chords in the pre-chorus and their timing also, as the song looses any momentum there. I'd also get into the habit of adding a few interesting chords from different keys. Diane Warren often changes into another key in the chorus, you don't have to do that, but you have to make things stand out more. Listen to music, analyse it. Being contempt with what you do is not good enough.
Considering that this is a take without Melodyne, there is a lot of scope of producing this kind a song in a minimalistic, clean way, with strong compression on the vocals. But the hookline just isn't there for that. If you want to be good and please your narcissistic self, the hook has to stand out more.
Also, on another note, I'd change the picture in Soundcloud, unless you want to evoke gaydar vibes, which you maybe do, maybe don't, both is of course totally okay, but it's all about the impression you want to give.
So, I think musically and lyric wise you need to stand out more and have to make a hook that one can remember. But be sure to keep the singer-songwriter-vibe, while producing it in a clean, reduced way.
Sorry that I'm not like some others here and don't try to be kind or nice, I'm just saying my open opinion, in case it helps.
