The Songwriter Forum - songwriting reviews, tips and chat
 
Advanced Search
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
December 11, 2017, 03:26:12 PM
Anthony Lane - Look what weve become | New album out now
Exciting TV Opportunity For Songwriters - Click Here For More Details:
http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=13541.0
Pages: [1]   Go Down
Topic Tools  
Read August 01, 2017, 04:06:06 PM #0
Vintage54

Me and Klondike Pete

 
  Hello everyone, not wrote in the narrative style for a spell, so i thought i'd put that right. It's a bit of an epic, but i hope you stick with it. I guess it's about hopes dashed, greed, betrayal and luck, mostly luck.

                                 Me and Klondike Pete.

                      Let me tell you about a man i knew
                      The kind i hope you don't meet
                      The kind that leaves a man to die
                      His name was Klondike Pete

                      I took him as a partner
                      I thought he was my friend
                      The deal was fifty fifty
                      He didn't keep his end

                      The lure of gold had driven us north
                      Where only the mountains belong
                      Where the wind breaks the heart of the feeble
                      And bends the will of the strong

                      The land at first was hard and mean
                      Till we hit a winning streak
                      And it started giving up it's gold
                      To me and Klondike Pete

                      And that land just kept on giving
                      Till it couldn't give no more
                      But we figured we were rich men
                      When we tallied up the score

                      Then i went down with a fever
                      And while i shivered in it's throes
                      He left me at the mercy
                      Of the unforgiving snows

                      If it wasn't for a trapper
                      That fortune sent my way
                      I surely would have perished
                      On a cold and lonesome day

                      Thanks to him i made it back
                      And soon regained my strength
                      And swore i'd make that scoundrel pay
                      For his cowardly offence

                      I turned every stone i found
                      And everyone i did meet
                      I asked them all the same question
                      Have you seen Klondike Pete

                      I was a long time getting nowhere
                      Till Jack the gambler said
                      "I must be talking to a ghost
                      Klondike swore that you were dead

                      I met him at the tables
                      Dressed to kill and flashing cash
                      I read his poker face with ease
                      And chipped away his stash

                      He said the fever took you
                      Shook the life right out of your bones
                      He prayed the Lord your soul to keep
                      And covered your body with stones

                      Last i heard he was trading
                      Out east on Hudson bay
                      The sun was shining on him
                      And he was making hay"

                      So i left the west behind
                      The east was now my goal
                      The words of Jack the gambler
                      Renewed my weary soul

                      When i made it to the Hudson
                      I put some feelers out
                      A man there said "i think i know
                      Just who you're talking about

                      A most unpleasant fellow
                      The kind that likes to boast
                      I believe you'll find his company
                      Bout ten miles down the coast"

                      I followed his directions
                      And my heart near did explode
                      When i saw his name emblazoned
                      On a building cross the road

                      I was ready to confront him
                      When a funeral passed in the street
                      And a man removed his hat and said
                      "There goes Klondike Pete"

                      I cursed the day i met him
                      I cursed all cheating men
                      And i cursed death for helping him
                      To cheat me once again

                      It seems a jealous lover's gun
                      Proved fatal to his health
                      If i'd got to him before her
                      I'd have shot the bastard myself

                      I guess that life's a game of cards
                      And it's luck that rules us all
                      Some are dealt the aces
                      While for others deuces fall

                      So I'm gambling in the north again
                      Hoping history will repeat
                      Trying to win back the gold
                      I lost to Klondike Pete.

                              Vintage54

                     

 
Read August 01, 2017, 05:21:16 PM #1
Paulski

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

Hey Vintage

Stick with it? How could I not?
Great tale of betrayal and failed revenge!

Too many great lines to pick a few as favourites - but you know which ones are best already  Grin

Good stuff - you've struck  gold IMHCO!
Paul
 
Read August 01, 2017, 06:05:51 PM #2
hardtwistmusic

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

Too long to be commercial.  .  . but don't change a line, and don't shorten it a bit.  It's an artistic masterpiece, and it would be a shame to change it to make it commercial. 


www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.
 
Read August 02, 2017, 08:19:11 AM #3
delb0y

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

Love it. Story songs are, as acknowledged by every single person on this forum (*), the finest sort of song. I look forward to hearing this with a nice acoustic folksy backing.

A couple of tiny thoughts:

Some lines don't always scan as well as others - no issue now, and I'm sure when put to music the phrasing will take care of this

In this verse:

Thanks to him i made it back
And soon regained my strength
And swore i'd make that scoundrel pay
For his cowardly offence

the word cowardly seems wrong to me. It was a double crossing, mean and evil thing Pete did - but cowardly?

And here:

I was a long time getting nowhere
                      Till Jack the gambler said
                      "I must be talking to a ghost
                      Klondike swore that you were dead

                      I met him at the tables
                      Dressed to kill and flashing cash
                      I read his poker face with ease
                      And chipped away his stash

I thought for a moment that you'd met Klondike at the table in the second of these verses. I was just confused for a moment. Easy fix to change the opening of the second quoted verse to:

I met Jack at the tables

From a dramatic point of view I was disappointed that after all the searching he arrived only to find Klondike dead. It was sort of unsatisfying, but then the last few verses turn it on it's head, so it does work. Also, maybe the last line shouldn't be lost to Klondike Pere but stole by Klondike Pete?

(*) Not quite true


West Country Country Boy
 
Read August 05, 2017, 07:59:14 AM #4
Neil C

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

Vintage,
An enjoyable story with a neat twist and ending.
Good stuff.
 Smiley
neil


songwriter of no repute..
 
Read August 05, 2017, 10:04:23 AM #5
PaulAds

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

Great story, V54

I also think the "cowardly offence" part stuck out a tiny bit...because that was "just" ok and the rest was really excellent...you can't always write that many lines and make them all superb...sometimes you have to settle for just 99%  Cheesy

Do you tweak your strokes of genius after they're written, or do you just leave them be?


heart of stone, feet of clay, knob of butter
 
Read August 05, 2017, 08:00:46 PM #6
Vintage54

Re: Me and Klondike Pete


   Thanks all, for taking the time. I know i don't always reply to comments on my lyrics, don't want to be seen to be pushing them back to the top of the list, Whoops! But i can assure you, i take on board everything i read, the negatives feed the hunger. As to your question Paul, sometimes i tweak after posting, but you can't tweak forever, you gotta move on.

                     Thanks again
                          Vintage54
 
Read August 11, 2017, 06:45:46 PM #7
Mikey

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

Great story, and well written, I agree with Del about being confused about who he met at the gambling table, I had to read that part again  to see what was happening, and a few of the lines didn't quite fit the rythm, but I find that you always have to modify lyrics when you set them to the music so I don't think you will have any problems.

Nice job

Mikey

 
Read August 11, 2017, 08:42:39 PM #8
Rightly

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

I enjoyed the whole thing
But as others have mentioned I got confused when he met someone at a poker table

Was a fun read.
 
Read August 13, 2017, 03:48:03 AM #9
Pawy

Re: Me and Klondike Pete

I really enjoyed this. I love when people can tell a story through songs, and this one seemed almost like a poem. I'd love to hear it if it's recorded someday.
 
Pages: [1]   Go Up
Jump to:  

A Brand New Copy Shoppe project