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new stuff - porcelain

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TheButcher

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« on: July 25, 2017, 08:19:20 AM »
Hello;

heres my new song. I tried (and failed) a lot with "fat" drums and guitars (in the chorus).
I wanted a very dynamic song. I had this pretty good chorus; and wanted to pack it in a kinda punk-brit pop thing - but with a slow and mellow verse before it....well...just give it a listen if you want to :)
TY

https://soundcloud.com/inside-man-1/porcelain-final-mix2

porcelain

all the porcelain
that your grandma
ever bought

broken
pieces
on the kitchen floor

and all the flowers
in your garden
dried out

summer lighting
empty highways
lavender skies

pale colours
milky windows
everywhere

and all our kids toys
colours faded
in my hands

love me when i say so
only when i say

i ll never be the one you love
i ll never be the one you love
c’mon, c’mon, c’mon give me some
c’mon i want some
i ll never be the one you love

cold mountain
low on air

but don t you think you ll feel love again
and don t you think i m running back again
into your arms

love me the i say so
only when i say

i ll never be the one you love
i ll never be the one you love
c’mon, c’mon, c’mon give me some
c’mon i want some
i ll never be the one you love

Sea

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« Reply #1 on: July 25, 2017, 01:53:13 PM »
Hi

l really like this track. The arrangement and vocals are very good in my opinion.

You did not ask for  a more detail music critique in your post. If you do just say and l will give a honest critique, baring in mind its based on my personal opinion from a songwriting student and not a professional. all the best.

TheButcher

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« Reply #2 on: July 25, 2017, 02:17:03 PM »
Oh, thank you

Feel free to criticize or give feedback on anything.

For me; I ll try to improve the mix;in terms of songwriting, it s finished, but I m always intereseted in feedback.
B

Sea

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« Reply #3 on: July 25, 2017, 03:15:01 PM »
ok here goes.

l re listened to it 3 times....

 Love your vocals..it reminds me of an Artist from a Album l have from my large collection( but at this moment his name escapes me (lv been listening to a lot music last few days)so forgive me, but as soon as l recall his name l will get back to you.

 my personal critique of the track arrangement.

l felt the into was too fast..your vocals came straight in and l wonder if a little guitar first before your vocals might be worth exploring..l just felt you came in to early.

The build up of  guitar, vocals,drums  at 1.28 secs to 1.34 secs was great

The pause/rest at 1.50secs  was perfect but l felt at 2.40 secs needed more build up., say more higher build than was at 1.28-1.34 as.l was waiting for that..so perhaps in might be worth exploring say an imput of more guitar with the vocals as the quitar works really well. but not too much to drown out the good vocals.

Loved the guitar at 3 mins

the fadeout/outra...l felt was far too long ..it went on from 3.30sec to 4.15 sec which l felt was far too long for this track. l would have liked to hear perhaps  the  real big build up at 3mins to say 3.45sec or even 4min then a sudden drop of pace there to finish at 4.15 sec.

l really liked this track, and your voice is great..l would certainly be interested to hear it again if you do decide to explore on the arrangements.
with it.l really enjoyed listening to your work.
 all the best.

Skub

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« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2017, 03:43:47 PM »
Yo Butch.

Just a quickie to say I loved the track,for the most part I found it elegant and tasteful.

Some of Sea's comments may have some validity for you,I agree especially on the fade out,but none of that is a deal breaker with regard to my enjoyment of the song.

PaulyX

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« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2017, 09:54:58 PM »
Hey Butch,
Great title for a track and (like your last one) you pack in loads of emotion into this while keeping it cool and classy.
I thought the lyrics were ace: I like the way you just position a series of evocative pictures, and leave it up to the listener to join up the dots between them to tell the story.  The lines "all our kids toys, colours faded, in our hands" knocked me out - what a great way of expressing the passage of time (well that's what it meant to me anyway).
Like some of the other listeners the only bit I'm questioning is the outro - my instinct would be to go BIGGER after that preceding chorus.  It certainly felt like you could go round again with that chorus.  But maybe that would be cliched?
Top work my friend.
Pauly
It's all too beautiful.

pompeyjazz

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« Reply #6 on: July 26, 2017, 09:19:05 PM »
Hi Butch. This is very well constructed.  Dreamy intro and first verse, rocked it up on the chorus. Well thought out dynamics, great melody and overall feel. I really like this

TheButcher

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« Reply #7 on: July 27, 2017, 03:01:40 PM »
Hello and thank you

@Sea

ok. good comments. I m doing a complete new version. I re - recorded everything (cause it was too messy) - a friend will play real drums to it and make a proper mix. i took on most of your advices in the new recording session.
hope it will be ready soon :)
TY for the close listen.

@Skub

thumbs up. thank you.  :) :)

@PaulyX

Quote
Great title for a track and (like your last one) you pack in loads of emotion into this while keeping it cool and classy

wow.yeah, it s a thin line between "emotional" and "cheesy"....

Quote
I thought the lyrics were ace: I like the way you just position a series of evocative pictures, and leave it up to the listener to join up the dots between them to tell the story.

:) but it s more because i m so bad with english language. but yes; very pleased it worked for you. woohoo!

Quote
The lines "all our kids toys, colours faded, in our hands" knocked me out - what a great way of expressing the passage of time (well that's what it meant to me anyway).

:) yes; one of my few bright moments in terms of lyrics. ty

Quote
Like some of the other listeners the only bit I'm questioning is the outro - my instinct would be to go BIGGER after that preceding chorus.  It certainly felt like you could go round again with that chorus.  But maybe that would be cliched?

i m planing to change that in the newer version. i wanted the song to become bigger; but there was no space in the mix, cause i messed it up.

ty PaulyX for the great support

@pompeyjazz

Quote
Hi Butch. This is very well constructed.  Dreamy intro and first verse, rocked it up on the chorus. Well thought out dynamics, great melody and overall feel. I really like this

Hi pompey. good, good. ty ty


Mverboekend

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« Reply #8 on: July 27, 2017, 08:42:37 PM »
Hey Butch,

Great song, loved the build up in the pre-chorus and the poetic lyrics. The melody is beautiful (dreamy as said before) and I like the contrast in the chorus.

I actually like the long outro as it is (like slowly waking up ;)), but I do think the first verse is a bit too long before you go to the chorus...

Thanks for sharing!!

Paulski

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« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2017, 01:22:17 AM »
Hi Butcher

Happy to see sth new from you!
Lovely song. I always love it when there is a stop, pause in a song to escape from the relentless tick track we get imprisoned by at times. Well, I do anyway.
Love your vocals and the lyrics are strong.
I thought the kick was a little aggressive before the raunchy part comes in and the snare a little weak in the second half. All down to taste I know but as skub says, doesn't detract from the quality of the songwriting here  ;D

Paul

Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra

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« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2017, 01:03:29 PM »
I like the mellow stuff Butch...not as much as some of your stuff but it's nice all the same. Vocal is always good...lyrics and delivery good.

The punk/brit pop thing works ok too and is catchy and gripping...yeah maybe the drums didn't quite get there.

The two parts together don't work for me as well as they could do...i'm wondering about the transition between parts.

I hate to criticise when someone is trying to experiment with stuff...it's more than I ever do!

Just wonder if the song could bear more thinking about in terms of knitting it all together as a satisfying whole. Nothing wrong with the song as such just I didn't get the flow too well but that may be just me.
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David Christy Jones

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« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2017, 06:39:05 PM »
Hey Butch.

Great track sir, particularly the vocals. I think you got the mix perfect on the vox, and the delivery is meaningful and honest sounding. I agree that the drums could do with a different approach, perhaps a more acoustic and roomy sound, a less crisp sound to match the airyness of the song. Great harmony work too, by the way.

Keep it up, look forward to hearing more! :D
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PaulAds

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« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2017, 11:27:47 PM »
I thought this one was great...I loved the way the drums sort of crept in...vocals are brilliant and it kept me wondering where it was going next all the way through.

Daft as it might sound, but I think you could have had two great songs here instead of just one...I might have kept the two main parts separate and given them their own songs. That's how good the two parts are...they fit together really well here, though...and I hope that doesn't come across negatively at all...because it think it's a really excellent song.

Great work!
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shadowfax

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« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2017, 09:09:44 AM »
A good song..works for me mate, the only crit i have is that the distorted guitar is a bit too, sort of.. crackly..but no biggie :) :)
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Yodasdad

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« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2017, 09:59:00 AM »
Hi Butcher,

I enjoyed this, there was an unpredictability and authenticity about it that I liked.

Production is a tricky thing for sure. I wouldn't really notice an issue here but I can hear that it doesn't quite have that full, phat sound that you seemed to be after.

As for the song itself though, nice work. There was a catchiness to it without it being too pop and losing its edge, which I suspect wouldn't be what you'd want.

The move into the outro caught me a bit off guard but I'd need to have another listen to decide whether that was just me or whether there's something that I think needs work.

For now though, well done.

Yodasdad