Thanks for feedback guys, much appreciated!
Keith,
Your suggestion to drop some articles from chorus is really good, makes me wonder how I haven't thought about this myself
And what do you mean by "awkward corners" in verses? Is it about rhythm/rhyming or ideas/metahpors?
Also feel free to rewrite stuff if you have time/inspiration, I'm totally up to new ideas.
Oldbutyet,
Actually its other way around - in the second verse I go deeper into the dream and completely lose touch with life sailing "into the night" (echoing with - do not go gentle into that good night...), but I get your point.
And with that in mide I had several ideas for the bridge:
i) me arriving to an island of sanity and hoping to awake (to continue with an idea of sailing through the dream)
ii) picture a complete shipwreck (it will depend on my mood
iii) and I like to throw biblical references here and there, so I'm thinking about Jonah and the whale story, and how it fits really well with my "powers that reside in the deep" line. Being swallowed by the whale is like completely submerge into the deep mind. I kinda like this twist.