[Zzz_manzo]

Hey everyone. Im new here but i was hoping I could get your thoughts and advise on these lyrics?

This is a song I wrote about a year and a half ago, it's about the pain and uncertainty you feel when you're losing someone you care about. I've since written a lot more, but keep coming back and rewriting this one, I feel like I can't do the emotion justice by putting it into words.

"Every second of everyday
I can feel you drifting away

After all the good you've done for me
And all the pain you'd driven away
Its all come back again today
Darling oh darling, just listen to me

What more can I do
What more can I say
What price do I have to pay
When I'm only ever missing you

Before it all it was dark, black and grey
Every second crushed in my chest
Now I can feel it all start over again
Darling oh darling, just listen to me

What more can I do
What more can I say
What price do I need to pay
When I'm only ever missing you

The world was dark,
 so black and white
Then you came,
bringing back the light

But

Every second of everyday
I can feel you drifting away

Every step I took, every breath I drew
They all told me to stay away from you
Maybe I'm wrong, maybe they're right
Maybe I shouldn't put up a fight

I'm lost, middle of nowhere
Signs to a promised tomorrow
Shot to hell so we tell me now
Tell me, what should I do now

what should I do now
what should I do now
What price do I need to pay
When I'm only ever missing you

Tell me what should I do now

What more can I do
What more can I say
What more can I do
What more can I say

Because I'm only ever missing you"

[Sea]

Hello.
 lm totally new to this forum.l saw yr post & liked your lyrics very much. As you asked for feedback l thought l could give you my thoughts. l'm a poet & l love reading lyric writing, so decided to venture into songwriting. Here is my humble opinion of yr lyrics.

1..l wanted to say when l read through yr writing l could actually 'hear' this put to music. The words have a 'flow' which in my opinion is a sign of a good lyric. Same as a poem it has to 'flow'. Yr's worked.
2..when l read it 2nd time the title  'missing you' really imprinted on my mind & stayed there, again in my humble opinion, another sign of a good lyric.
3. The opening 2 lines..very very good, but l feel something is missing. l felt  when kept re reading it perhaps it needs something to link the title more. Not sure what words ...but just something a little more to introduce me to the 'message' of the song. ( if you agree l will keep reading yr lines to ponder, just let me know in reply) if you don't agree, that's ok.
4.l love your chorus. its memorable, it captures the 'theme' ..(again remember this,it's  only my opinion) l would take out the few words     'when lm only ever really' on line 4 of the chorus and just leave the words' missing you'
l feel those words 'missing you . has then a more real impact. As l re read it with out the 'when lm only ever really' it seems to feel right somehow and the missing you' appeared to imprint in my mind. l think you would need a musician to play that chorus, first with the words left in then with those word l mention taken out, to let you/them see how it 'hears' to the listener. 
5. verse 2, l would see how it feels if you took out the words 'it was' from line one. When l re read it without the words' it was' it felt right.  Might be my poetic side coming out though there, but might be something for you to consider.
lv always felt too many.... it's, the's, so's,... etc etc in poems and lyric's distract the listener to what the writers message  is trying to convey in their writing.To me, by taking those little words out or not having to  many of them in poems, lyrics etc  the meaningful words imprint more on the mind.

l really like these lyrics. Hope you are not offended by my feedback. These are a couple more suggestions  l have of 'moving'   a few words around but l don't want to do that if you feel you do not wish it.
Again the above is my just opinion. lm not a professional.As l said lm a poet, l write a lot of poems on a poetry forum,  now learning songwriting. kind regards
 

[CaliaMoko]

Hello and welcome to our wonderful forum!

Sea gave you some good ideas to ponder. I won't add too much.

The lyric is clear and mostly flows pretty well for me, especially as poetry. As song lyrics I find them a little random. For instance, songs don't always use rhyme, though they often do. Your lyric includes rhyme but it is random. Each set of lines has its own pattern. One can not say this lyric uses, say, ABAB or AABB or ABBA. One or more of these might be there but not consistently.

This is NOT necessarily bad--say, you have an unstable theme (and you do) and you want to support it with your rhyme scheme. Random can do that.

Same for structure. I am unable to define the structure of your lyric. It is not clearly laid out, and I'm not sure what you consider verse, chorus or bridge. This could be another way to keep the whole thing kind of off balance and unstable.
9And
The last item on the list of things I noticed is the "hook". Songs do not absolutely require hooks, but the hook is usually the most memorable part of a song and is what makes it stick in someone's mind. What would you consider the hook of this song? What would make it stand out?

Good luck with your lyric. Are you planning to set it to music? Or maybe you already have a melody for it?