So sorry for your loss. Poem and lyric writing is a great way to heal in my opinion, so l can understand your wanting to put pen to paper.
l agree with all the other feedback you have had. In my opinion ,your writing could be made into a lyrical song. You have the 'words' there..
l wont say how l would arrange your words (which are very heartfelt) into a musical lyric. They are very personal to you.
l feel all words to a good song has to be first written freely down before re arranged into lyrics.. All song writing now a days is so structured, more so than a book or poems..and in my opinion song writing is so much harder than writing a book or a poem, which l do.
if its any help l will say what l look for when lm studying famous successful Lyricists, which lm doing now as l want to be a Lyricist.
When l analyse songs ,l look to see if l can tick boxes to the lyrics lm reading/analysing ie when lm studying famous Artist's musical lyric's. If all the boxes are ticked, then l know why it was a successful musical lyric. The Artist song may use even extremely simple words and may have a very few verse/chorus etc but the 'structure' is well formatted and 'tight' by the writer . lm still learning, lm still studying and lv a very long way to before l master the art of song writing but here are a
few tips from some of my own notes lv got written down into my own journals, as lm learning song writing. Its what lm using as a reference , as l practice song writing exercises daily. Hope it's a help. My below notes are my own personal reference, they help me, they may not be helpful to you, but l thought l would share them. The below is not referring to your song, it just my own notes l use to study.
l. Is the title really 'tight'.... does it'.... ' show' me in my minds eye what the song is about.
2. does the intro of the lyrics to the song grab my attention straight away or is it 'loose' which would make me not want to know more ie listen to rest of song... 'know more' is one of many keys to a good song lyric....
3.does the words in the lyric have lots of action words to keep me interested.ie verbs
4. does the song have far to many verses that are not really needed to get the message across. Lyrics to song are just a small % of a song as music also play a vast part to the 'message'. Lyrics are not a book or poem writing ie that can be written at length. Song lyrics have to be 'very tight' in word choice and every single word has to earn it's place in such a small format ie song lyrics. That's why verbs ie action words are used a lot in songs. Lyrics in song don't even have to be 'clever' .The simplest word/sentence can convey a whole meaning. Keep searching for the right word/sentence to convey the message to keep it flowing forward.
5.does the lyrics flow effortlessly forward, or is there an imbalance to the intro,verse,chorus bridge outro
6. does the outro leave me feeling something is missing in the 'message' or am l left in mid air because of the choice of words/sentence used in the lyrics.
these are just a few of my own personal notes l use as my reference as l study songwriting ..lm still learning..lv still a long way to go...
