konalavadome

Radiohead style lyric.

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S.T.C

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« on: June 23, 2017, 12:55:21 PM »
im tripping on
splintered wood
of a colour, i never understood
you know who i am
just sticking to a plan
but the journey i can't stand

that dog won't hunt
but well set it loose,just the same
welcome to my needle
can you taste the pain
i'm just another wasting, away -man

no time to laugh
dying's wrong
and you can't write black
in the lyric of this song

lets take a knife
and cull ,cull, cull
deep in the woods
with the claws
and the pull of love

i know there's a god above
i know the colour now
it's the kinda grey
when the sun burns
the haze away
you can see it my eyes
when i stop and stare

im tripping on
splintered wood
of a colour, i never understood
you know who i am
just sticking to a plan
but the journey i can't stand

that dog won't hunt
but well set it loose,just the same
welcome to my needle
can you taste the pain
i'm just another wasting, away -man

Neil C

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« Reply #1 on: June 23, 2017, 01:36:42 PM »
sTC,
Neat imagery to these. Like them
 :)
Neil
songwriter of no repute..

Sing4me88

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« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2017, 08:08:24 PM »
I can imagine this as a Radiohead number all right.

The opening half of the first verse is immense - it is visual, original and most importantly it is engaging. That's clever writing right there and it's got that 'gimme more' effect. On the back of that I gotta say though that the second half to the opening verse is my least favourite part of the lyric. It feels kinda weak and a bit lazy - maybe that's only because it has the misfortune to come after stellar opening lines. The second half of the verse lacks that spark of originality IMHO, and they almost feel a bit like filler lines - ie that you couldn't quite think what went there so put lines with predictable rhymes there for the time being. For all that it does progress the story, plus if set to the right melody it would work either way I guess. Flows easily along with the rest too. The needle and tasting pain line is pretty clever too and I dig how you reversed the order of wording to have wasting-away man rather than a man wasting -away. Again that's pretty clever.

There's a bit of a dark vibe to it which as a Radiohead style lyric you'e looking for so you've managed to meet the brief on that one. Would love to hear this rather than read it when/if you get a melody and chords etc for it.

diademgrove

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« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2017, 08:56:46 PM »
Hi STC,

great lyrics, all but one couplet work for me. I think "you know who I am, just sticking to a plan" are fairly weak. they don't seem to fit in with the other images nor explain why you can't stand the journey. They seem too literal given the other images you create. Maybe I'm missing the point, if so please ignore me.

Keith

Oldbutyet

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« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2017, 10:15:18 PM »
im tripping on
splintered wood
of a colour, i never understood
you know who i am
just sticking to a plan
but the journey i can't stand

that dog won't hunt
but well set it loose,just the same
welcome to my needle
can you taste the pain
i'm just another wasting, away -man

no time to laugh
dying's wrong
and you can't write black
in the lyric of this song

lets take a knife
and cull ,cull, cull
deep in the woods
with the claws
and the pull of love

i know there's a god above
i know the colour now
it's the kinda grey
when the sun burns
the haze away
you can see it my eyes
when i stop and stare

im tripping on
splintered wood
of a colour, i never understood
you know who i am
just sticking to a plan
but the journey i can't stand

that dog won't hunt
but well set it loose,just the same
welcome to my needle
can you taste the pain
i'm just another wasting, away -man


This is really good, dont know to much about Radiohead apart from a few songs i heard from them but the flow of your verses up until the last two lines "you can see it my eyes
when i stop and stare"  and there after, the flow up until them, really great.

I think you need to rearrange some verses, the chorus to me is

no time to laugh
dying's wrong
and you can't write black
in the lyric of this song

My only advice and i know im treading on thin ice here  ;D  if you know a good guitarist the two of you sit in the same room and let the guitarist go with the flow of imagery of verses and you finish this   8)