To start things off,I really like the lyrics. I think they are well written. That being said I feel like they're missing something. Just a part of it or something should be about something more...visible, or tangible. I don't know how to explain it but l guess it's missing something that can play out in your head as you're listening to it.
The music fits and gives the right vibe. It does, however, feel like it's missing something too. A bridge maybe, where things kind of quiet down, and sound different.
Also have you ever tried it with a quieter beginning? Like the first two lines, slower, quieter, just so it feels like things pick up later on. I think that would be a good addition.
Btw, the singing thing, I can totally relate. I'm no singer, and mostly feel like I have no clue what I'm doing or what it sounds like to other people's ears, but hey, someone's gotta sing them right? You sound alright, don't worry about
