[Jenna]

I'd love suggestions on where others think this might need some trimming. I've given it another haircut before posting up here. Hopefully, I'm getting down to the barest of bones. I'm new to the middle eight thing so could use some help there, too. I'm also concerned about the verb tenses switching back and forth. This one is tricky because of the present story of a past situation. I'm unsure if I'm doing that properly throughout the lyrics.

V1
That long, straight road
Has curve that she knows
She drives it free and drives it slow
It was her only counterblow

V2
It marks a place in the past
Where she found freedom at last
Left her fear behind and
Sped toward a better life

C1
And she was free
Free to face the music dance it slow
Free to be herself and let love show
Free to follow her heart and let life grow

V3
This man she had loved
He pushed her and he shoved
He threatened her life
Still wanting to make her his wife

V4
With a baby on the way
Afraid to think of staying
To raise this baby that she loved
Where he pushed and he shoved

B1
Threatened friends and family
No safe place left to be
She packed her things
Slipped away and spread her wings

V5
Nervously looking out back
Flying West in a broke down Pontiac
On Freedom curve she realized
She was beyond his killing/violent/jealous eyes.

C2
And she was free
Free to face the music and dance it slow
Free to be who she was and let love show
Free to follow her heart and let life grow.

[Bernd]

Reads like a suicide to me except that the chorus does not support this interpretation ("let love show", "free to follow her heart and let life grow").

The tenses look fine to me (non-native, but normally rather overcritical with respect to tenses).

The bridge - 'middle eight' - reads and 'sounds' like yet another verse. I presents similar additional content - the threatening guy that she is fleeing from - and uses the same rhyme pattern. Normally, a bridge should have a different melody and preferably use a different rhyme structure as well. Also,  it lyric-wise should add some new aspect.

The expression ".. pushed and he shoved" is repeated (= presents nothing new).

I actually would rewrite V3, V4 and B1 to get just two VERSES, and rewrite V5 to make it a BRIDGE, I'd also consider modifying the chorus (e.g. saying "so she would be free..." in the first chorus, versus "and she was free..." in the last). Last not least there could well be three choruses (the last one after the bridge with NO preceding verses).

The resulting structure then could be: V V C V V C B C

Cheers,
Bernd

[Jenna]

That's definitely workable. I'll make those changes and repost. Thanks for the feedback.

[Jenna]

Rewrite#1

V1
That long and straight road
Has curve that she knows
She drives it smooth and slow
It was her only counterblow

V2 or P1?
Marking a place in the past
Where she found freedom at last
Where she left fear far behind
and Sped toward a brand new life

C1
And she was free
Free to face the music dance it slow
Free to be herself and let love show
Free to follow her heart and let life grow

V2
Threatened with a loaded gun
By the man she thought she loved
With no safe place left to run
She resolved not to come undone

P2/V3?
With a baby on the way and
Terrified to think of staying
She packed up all her things
Slipped out the back and spread her wings

C2
And she was free
free to face the music and dance it slow
free to be herself and let love show
free to follow her heart and let life grow

B1
Nervously looking out behind
Flying West fast as her racing mind
On Freedom curve she realized
She'd gone beyond his killing/violent/jealous eyes.

C2
And she was free
Free to face the music and dance it slow
Free to be who she was and let love show
Free to follow her heart and let life grow.

I have a question on the labeling, if I want there to be a lift at the end of the second and fourth verses, do I label those sections as verses or consider the whole thing a prechorus since the melody will be different?

[Martinswede]

Hi Jenna!

I find it hard to put words in a musical context when I just read them. Since the form in
which you've written them is kind of straight forward I tried singing them to a simple melody.

First I have to say we write in a very different styles. Your lyrics are more direct than mine so there are a lot of things I might have done differently.

v1 is a good opening I would maybe skip the cliffhanger since it contrasts a bit too much to the mellow tone of the first three lines.

v2/p1 refers to time in an unspecific way. It could be more clear. Also maybe 'sped towards the finish line'?

v2 is very direct to me. Maybe you could use that it is a threat as an implication. 'Now he closes his open hand. Girl do you dare to meet his glance?'

p3/v3 has a very dramatic effect. What puzzles me is that she packs her things up to leave, but then decides to kill herself. Like a spur of the moment thing when she comes to that curve. I like 'spread her wings' it might be worn but this time it works perfect.

b1 has no real lyrical function to me. Try squeezing in some more info to either confirm Our beliefs or contrast against them.

I've skipped to comment on the chorus since I think it works.

Martin