Struggling with a song structure - please help

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Jenna

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« on: June 16, 2017, 10:03:18 PM »
This is another fun tune I've been working out for some time. It's somewhat coming together, but I'm not sure on the song structure at all. I could use some experienced feedback. I'm hearing this with a peppy melody and rhythm along the lines of That'll be the Day, at least for the chorus sections. I've severely pared this down already. Do I need to chop it more, rearrange? I'm a little stumped on how to end it.

I Need a Wife

V1
Some folks say we've got it good
Globalization will save the world
I don't see it looking 'round this neighborhood
What I see is it's no damn good

P1
With all this racing around barely getting by
There is one thing that I've realized

C1
I need a wife
Someone working to support my life
From the cooking and the cleaning,
To the shopping and the sleeping
It would help so much in getting by
If only I had myself a wife

V2
I haven't had a raise in years
And should be glad my job hasn't disappeared
That's what all the happy people say,
If you don't like it, you don't have to stay.

P2
We run this way and that
Collecting stuff like sewer rats
Sacrificing God-given freedoms
Feeding the material demons
C2
I need a wife
Someone working to support my life
From the cooking and cleaning,
To the shopping and the dreaming,
I could take another job
If only I had myself a wife.

V3
From my first day at work
I's never treated like a human
Always rushed beyond the max
With a layoff looming

P3
Threatened by the ax
Keeps the economy moving

B1
There's not enough time in the day
Working three part-time jobs
To keep the house from disarray
And grill the kebobs
What I wouldn't give to get-away
To the island of Oahu
Keep my hair from growing gray
And falling out in gobs
Ohhhhhhh

Outro
I need a wife
Someone to do the shopping
And the washing
The taxi service
And the mopping

I need a wife
Someone who pays the bills
Plans the thrills
Mops the spills
Sharpens the knives

Jenna

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« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2017, 11:34:35 PM »
I think I may have it. Please let me know your opinion. This is all pretty new to me and I need to know if I'm breaking any sacred songwriting rules with it:

I Need a Wife

V1
Some folks say we've got it good
Globalization will save the world
I don't see it in my neighborhood
What I see is it's no damn good

P1
With all this racing around barely getting by
There is one thing I've come to realize

C1
I need a wife
Someone working to support my life
(I need a wife)
From the cooking and the cleaning,
To the shopping and the sleeping
(I need a wife)
It would help so much in getting by
If only I had myself a wife

V2
I haven't had a raise in years
Should be glad my job don't disappear
That's what all the happy people say,
If you don't like it, you don't have to stay.

P2
We run this way and that
Collect stuff like sewer rats
Sacrifice God-given freedoms
Feeding the material demons
Ohhh

C2
I need a wife
Someone working to support my life
(I need a wife)
Who does the cooking and cleaning, 
To the shopping and the dreaming
(I need a wife)
I could take another job and
maybe have a chance to sleep in 
If only I had myself a wife.

B1
There's not enough time in the day
Working three part-time jobs
To keep the house from disarray
And grill the kebobs
What I wouldn't give to get-away
To the island of Oahu
Keep my hair from growing gray
And falling out in globs
Ohhhhhhh

C3
I need a wife
From my first day at work
I's never treated like a human
(I need a wife)
Always rushed beyond the max
With a layoff looming
(I need a wife)
Threatened by the ax
Keeps the economy moving

P3
Don't you know
Oh don't you know
Ohhhh

Outro
I need a wife
Someone to do the shopping and the washing
The taxi service and the mopping
(I need a wife)
Someone to pay the bills
Plans the thrills and mop the spills
(I need a wife)
She can sharpen the knives, fix the car
And go skydiving
I need a wife

diademgrove

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« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2017, 01:33:59 PM »
Hi Jenna,

I think the song is a little too long. In your second version C3 and C2 don't add very much to the story. I'd be tempted to stick with the first verse plus pre- and chorus followed by the bridge and then the chorus. Hope this helps, if it doesn't just ignore me.

I like your words.

Keith

Jenna

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« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2017, 03:14:52 PM »
Ok. Fair enough. It may be sounding too much like the rant of a housewife with all of the extras, which bores everyone to tears.

diademgrove

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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 05:11:35 PM »
Ok. Fair enough. It may be sounding too much like the rant of a housewife with all of the extras, which bores everyone to tears.

It doesn't sound like a rant and its not boring. I just don't see P3 and C3 adding very much to the story to the story. You say you're doing 3 jobs but don't show us how that affects you, are you tired, do you fall asleep when you should be enjoying life, is the roof leaking, can you pay your bills, etc. There is plenty of things that can fill three or four additional verses if you want a longer song.

If you want a short song like That'll be the Day then you have more than enough words already, in my opinion.

I would be happy seeing the song develop into something longer but the structure may have to change a little to accommodate the growing story.

Keith


Keith


Jenna

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« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2017, 05:33:23 PM »
Yes. Agreed. Thanks for the input. I'll remove them and then see how things look/sound. Part of listing it all was an attempt to communicate the overwhelm of having those things running through your mind as you're working and wondering how you'll accomplish it all. It was more an attempt at bringing the listener to an experiential awareness like, "Oh. That's a lot to have on ones mind while juggling 3 part time schedules and running a household." Maybe there's a better way to communicate the idea with fewer words.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #6 on: June 17, 2017, 06:14:43 PM »
"C" is chorus. 

"V" is verse. 

"B" is bridge.

What is "P?"
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Jenna

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« Reply #7 on: June 17, 2017, 09:39:44 PM »
Prechorus (my own abbreviation)

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #8 on: June 18, 2017, 06:19:07 PM »
Ah.... I get it.   

BTW. . .  I'll agree with one of the critiques.  Unless this is REALLY uptempo, it's going to be a little long.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Jenna

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« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2017, 06:31:11 PM »
It is going to be long. Time to bring in the hatchet and get to work.

diademgrove

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« Reply #10 on: June 19, 2017, 05:22:57 AM »
Yes. Agreed. Thanks for the input. I'll remove them and then see how things look/sound. Part of listing it all was an attempt to communicate the overwhelm of having those things running through your mind as you're working and wondering how you'll accomplish it all. It was more an attempt at bringing the listener to an experiential awareness like, "Oh. That's a lot to have on ones mind while juggling 3 part time schedules and running a household." Maybe there's a better way to communicate the idea with fewer words.

I think your chorus says how overwhelming juggling three jobs and a household is in a unique way that makes me smile and say that's good. A long list tends to overwhelm the chorus, at least for me.

Keith

Jenna

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« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2017, 08:30:26 AM »
Thanks, Keith. I've removed them as you suggested. There is plenty there to tell the story.

Paulski

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« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2017, 10:01:29 PM »
Hi Jenna

This has a great hook - BUT this is dangerous territory and needs to be carefully worded IMHO.  ;D
So, if this is a male singer, he's going to be viewed as a chauvinistic pig. He is basically describing a stereotypical wife of 100 years ago. Maybe it's a funny country song? But even then you'll need some funny lines to make sure we know we're supposed to laugh at him and his outdated views of marriage.
Now, if it's a female singer it might fly straighter (no pun intended  ;D) and be funny just the way it is. A female singer stereotyping a "wife" would be an angle that is more unique.

But like I said - great hook - just be careful not to jab yourself with it  ;D ;D
Paul

Jenna

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« Reply #13 on: June 21, 2017, 03:10:49 PM »
 :D Very funny, Paulski! I'll be sure and wear the safety goggles to avoid putting my eye out with that hook. This is definitely a female subject singing about needing a wife, so no worries on the male thing. Was it really 100 years ago on the other side of the big blue ocean? It's the type of household I grew up in and then began on my own until realizing that it was for the birds and rebelled. But I figure with all of the women here working multiple part-time jobs and trying to keep their households intact, kids clothed, fed and bathed, it should hit home for more than a few. I was intending to make it country, or maybe pop, most likely a melding of the two.