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December 14, 2017, 02:34:09 AM
Anthony Lane - Look what weve become | New album out now
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http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=13541.0
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Read June 17, 2017, 04:09:44 PM #15
Jenna

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Oooh. I like it! That would appeal even more.

For Tina, redneck pension is a metaphor to show how this person plans to survive in old age without his financial investments.
 
Read June 17, 2017, 04:23:32 PM #16
Morefrog Jones

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Excellent vocals and production - very professional sounding  Smiley
 
Read June 17, 2017, 05:01:59 PM #17
Yodasdad

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Thanks for listening Morefrog, appreciate your feedback.

Jenna, (and anyone else who wants to comment)

I think this actually flows better, but will it work without the uncle??

Let the rich men steal from Sam
What I've got makes me the wealthy man

Yodasdad
 
Read June 17, 2017, 05:26:57 PM #18
Jenna

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Right. It needs the Uncle for it to make sense to the listeners. Is it so political that a producer would overlook it for that reason? Just curious. Americans are moving toward being more politically involved on the social scene, which is a good thing, imho, because without taking that on we're doing a disservice to the rest of the world by not keeping the leadership in check. Trust me on that.

The bridge isn't making a political statement one way or the other as much as it is showing how this man managed to acquire his property in the face of extreme adversity. It's a riches to rags to riches again storyline. But if everyone overwhelmingly feels that part should be left out, then I don't have any problem digging in and reworking it. I just think it's a message that would be really popular over here, as nearly the entire population is aware of and in agreement on what caused the collapse, creating the very opportunity to own large tracts of land like this man was able to acquire in that moment for cash. It was a rare opportunity for your average person, and the storyline of coming out on top after that and sticking it to the government in the process, they're going to gobble up like a frog leg barbecue on a summer Sunday after church in Loosiana.
 
Read June 17, 2017, 06:01:58 PM #19
Yodasdad

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Hmm, It might be worth moving this dicussion over to lyrics, so as not to hijack and dominate our own feedback thread.

For now...

I don't think being political is a problem and as you say, it's at the fore of a lot of peoples mind, here too.

I think what Tina originally meant, and how I understand it is that the bridge is political but there isn't a hint of it anywhere else in the song.

So, it kind of comes out of leftfield but as it's only a bridge section, there isn't time for it to develop. It kind of alters the mood of the song. It's very carefree and then suddenly...not.

This redneck's not got a care in the world, no worries, not bothered or affected by the outside world but then...oh...hang on a minute...where did that come from...no...wait...he's happy again.

I think it might work better if it hint's at the politics, but still remains care free and shows that he's on top of things and content.

Then again, as I've said many times, I could be missing the point completely.

Yodasdad
 
Read June 17, 2017, 07:11:04 PM #20
tina m

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

For Tina, redneck pension is a metaphor to show how this person plans to survive in old age without his financial investments.
oh now I understand it! & the bridge makes complete sense.. silly me!
you dont need to change it now!  Grin


Tell me Im wonderful & I ll be nice to you Smiley
 
Read June 17, 2017, 08:58:41 PM #21
Jenna

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

`I see what you're saying about it coming out of left field. My understanding was the bridge is used as an opportunity to go into more detail and explain the story further, and so that's why I chose the theme of how he acquired his property by working under the table for cash and using loopholes for the wealthy to hide his property purchase from the government, then that this all came about as a result of the bankers crashing the system. It all seemed to work together, gives a full storyline, gives the listeners a sense of the little guy coming out ahead for a change, thumbing his nose at the bankers and the government and knowing that he's set for life on his land. This is why I worded the chorus that followed the bridge "Now I'm living the dream on my redneck pension," because even though he went through devastating loss with his retirement savings evaporating, he was able to come out ahead in the end (at least in his mind - he did retire to the only state in the country with a socialized health system, but I didn't want to go into that much detail).

I don't mind having this discussion here if you don't. Feedback and discussion are good. I'm happy that we're having it. It helps me see things from other perspectives and where I might be able to change/improve on them.

I do like your suggestion for the bridge, but I still want to give the impression that he's thumbing his nose and coming out on top as it adds to the sugar at the end after the lemons.  

Might work better for HW too.  (<- I'm not sure what HW stands for).

I don't need bankers, got my stash
I earned each dollar, made it last
I had to work under the table
But it kept my family stable
No need for dole from Uncle Sam
I've got what makes me the wealthy man

-> What I've written here playing off of YD's changes does strike a political message that I think will be really popular among the demographic of listeners, but it's not necessarily one I'd be fond of spreading. It's more of the "kick down, kiss up" message and we have too much of that already on the news everyday. I more so enjoyed the irony or blind hypocrisy of the original with the outro where he claimed he wasn't going to bend to their conventions, but without realizing he'd already done it by cheating the government in the same way the wealthy do. Wry humor. Poke-in-the-nose by an invisible finger.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2017, 09:22:21 PM by Jenna »
 
Read June 17, 2017, 09:31:42 PM #22
tina m

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Sorry I was in a hurry & didnt read Yodas post
Hes absolutely right, I thought it was a 'feel good' song & then suddenly you get hit by this political bit & it felt a bit strange...BUT ...I didnt understand what the redneck pension was.. & I do now!

I dont know anything about American politics so whatever spin you want to put on it is of course up to you  Smiley


Tell me Im wonderful & I ll be nice to you Smiley
 
Read June 18, 2017, 04:30:25 AM #23
Jenna

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Alrighty, I may have this worked out, I hope. Possibly? How does this sound?

V1
Got a spot of land,
Fishing lake
More bass and crappies than I can take

V2
Case of beer
Fishing gear
Honey, get this tick off of my ear

C1
That's how I'm living
On my redneck pension
I got all I need here
I don't fear no recessions

My own apple pie dream
Far off the mainstream
Living high on wild hogs
On my redneck pension

Bridge
Uncle Sam and kiss my ash if
he finds my hidden sour mash
But he'll never find my stash
Of greenbacks under the trash <- is this better?


V3
Hunting grounds,
Ammo rounds,
White tail, rabbits,
with four coonhounds

V4
Bought my land
In cold hard cash
During that their economic crash

C.3
That's how I'm living
on my redneck pension
I had to beg, borrow, steal
To own this possession

My own apple pie dream
far off the mainstream,
I'm living free and easy
On my redneck pension

Outro
On my redneck pension
My lifelong obsession
My last confession. <- I'm thinking of substituting something else here in place of confession, too. "My new profession" or "It's so refreshing."
« Last Edit: June 18, 2017, 04:57:13 AM by Jenna »
 
Read June 18, 2017, 08:55:39 AM #24
Yodasdad

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Okay,

I don't think the bridge needs such a radical overhaul as the last one posted. That one is lyrically and rhythmically very different and would lead to a complete new melody as as well. It also seems more angry and confrontational.

One option is to leave the original bridge exactly as it is. You know the country genre and music scene over there much better than i do, and probably Tina as well (who also agrees that the bridge works now)

The other option is to leave it almost as it is but to make it resolve a little more and tie back into the story and the following chorus.

I think the original bridge is good but it makes some statements that the character clearly isn't happy about, but doesn't then explain why he is now so happy with his current situation? It's like he starts to tell this story, ends with how the rich are ripping off the country and then runs out of time before he explains how it turned out okay or why he's so happy despite this.

Making the bridge longer to further the story isn't an option as its already on the long side.

I think the following would tie it up though

Bankers turned my investments into trash
And their foreclosures burned my stash
I had to work under the table
To keep my family stable
Rich men steal (take?) from Uncle Sam
But what I've got makes me the wealthy man -OR- but they ain't got what makes a wealthy man

I think this ties it up, shows that despite what he knows and what he's gone through, he's happy with his lot and feels that his redneck lifestyle is the true prize.

Anyway, I'm just the music man. If you want me to shut up and just put music to whatever lyrics you want, or you prefer your ideas, just say.

Yodasdad
 
Read June 18, 2017, 05:38:04 PM #25
Jenna

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Hmm. Okay. I think I understand where this is coming from. The statements in the bridge may sound confusing and like they're going a different direction, but in truth, they're a simple fact of life over here for the majority. They're going to hit home and communicate his triumph over adversity, a message that's always well-received. The fact that he stuck it to the government in the process is the icing on the cake.

It's fitting the mood of the people in the country at the moment, the anger over the bailout for bankers at the expense of those who could afford it least. We're all still languishing financially from it ten years later. The damage done to our personal wealth was not recoverable in our lifetimes, yet the wealthy made out like bandits and increased their share exponentially. Our wages have stagnated in this country for nearly 40 years, and the crash robbed us of property value increases. For example, our home is worth less now than it was in 1999 when it should have doubled in value by now. Most were under water on their mortgages, meaning they owed more than their homes were worth. It made our homes and property a lost investment.

This man found a way to turn that situation to his advantage and set himself up for life without a mortgage. That's what he's celebrating. It's a big FU to the bankers and corporate-loving government.

So when I wrote the chorus that followed the bridge, I worded it "Now I'm living the dream . . . " to show that he profited by letting his morals go in that moment and overcame by using the loopholes in the tax and property laws used by the wealthy to hide their money/property/profits. He turned the tables.

The comment that we saw from the man in Texas communicates clearly how this message is going to be received by the intended listeners. Internally, the US is a spark away from widespread civil unrest. The rage against the government and corporate collusion is palpable. Our election system has been fixed to the degree that we have no control over who gets elected - many people don't even realize this yet, but when certain factions do I don't want to be here to see what happens after that. If ever there were a time to bail out of this country it would be now while the getting is still good. But that's enough of that. I just needed to show you where we are politically and financially to explain the lyrics.

A lot of songwriting is psychology and using it to manipulate feelings. With this story, I'm hoping to tap into that anger and give the listeners joy enhanced with some sense of underhanded, vigilante revenge. The victim became a victor and will celebrate that the rest of his life by moving outside of the mainstream economy. He's gone rogue. He's no longer a captive of the whims of Wall Street. He's living the dream of every working wage slave, literally. He has peace, rest and recreation, a perpetual vacation. Living off of the land, he has everything he needs. He can't be touched by outside economic forces and doesn't need to bend to the consumer economy market conventions for his survival.  

So I guess that I lean in favor of keeping the original bridge if you're so willing. For me, it adds just the right information to make it personal for the listeners here in the US. They're going to gobble that up like starving pigs at an overflowing trough of slop. Yee haw!

Now, after writing that novel, I'm going to edit in another option that might flow better and sound more positive, just so you think I'm the most wishy-washy being on the planet:

When my investments burned like trash
I got forced from the working-class
Dug up my greenback stash and
Bought this lake with largemouth bass


« Last Edit: June 18, 2017, 06:29:29 PM by Jenna »
 
Read June 18, 2017, 06:44:26 PM #26
digger72

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Hi Jenna/Yoda,

Great job all round.
Like Bin, I admire someone who can take lyrics and bring them to life - I tend towards the opposite also.
I like how the lyrics paint a picture without being too "story telling." I think the theme relates to feeling over here also.
The vocal sounds fine to me - much prefer it to that usual country twang (which usually puts me off listening to country style music).
Quality playing and production.

Digger
 
Read June 18, 2017, 07:57:33 PM #27
Martinswede

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Hi!

First I'd like to say that I find this whole collaboration thing inspiring!
 
Your song has a lot going on at the same time in the background. Melody
lines, percussion, rhythm guitar... To me it's a bit crowded. But I'm a minimalist.

The vocals are in no fashion middle of the road when it comes to country music and
to me that's good but it also takes it a big step away from the genre.

Martin
 
Read June 18, 2017, 08:12:47 PM #28
jamesh

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Hi


A really catchy number, well produced and performed.

Great stuff.


James
 
Read June 19, 2017, 11:39:11 AM #29
Yodasdad

Re: Redneck Pension - a Yodasdad and Jenna collaboration

Thanks you 3.

Martin, I know what you mean but I was going for the modern country feel which seems to be in the same vein, plus I tend not to be a minimalist when it comes to my production, I can't help it.

Jenna,

Yes, the crash hit the uk hard too, the feeling over here is much the same from many.

Why not just leave them as they are for now then?

We can always change them at a later date if further feedback warrants it.

Yodasdad
 
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