The Storm is Coming

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LifeIsAMinefield

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« on: June 14, 2017, 11:09:49 PM »
The Storm is Coming

The song has a rhythmic, slightly psychedelic bass and has a bit of a... I think, salsa rhythm? I'm not super happy with the second verse, but here goes.

My hate is smoothbore;
Can't get it moving in a straight line.
Your heart's an apple core,
It's both sweet and rock-hard at the same time.

Your smell is familiar,
Could sense you further than a mile away.
You taste like a million
Different things that I just love to hate.

And I trust that you can see me
Even though you're stood on the other side
And I bet your hair is seething
Of my worst perfume from bonfire night.
And my cattle are bleeding
'Cause I forgot to lead them back inside
For the storm is coming
And they don't know how to hide.

(Instrumental)

Your hair's the morning napalm
You reap whenever it's not windy.
Read me my favourite psalm
The one about the world in anarchy.

Your mind's a machine gun,
Suppressing all things that try to resist.
Want the whole wide world under your thumb
And your nails act as the cease and desist.

And I trust that you can see me
Even though you're stood on the other side
And I bet that your skin is peeling
Thanks to all the burning on bonfire night.
And my brothers are bleeding
'Cause I forgot to lead them back inside
For the storm is coming
And they don't know how to hide.

What doesn't hate you loathes you,
What doesn't fear you dies.
Can't see what we're pulling on through
'Cause, oh, we make up some honest lies.
Stop, let me do up my laces;
We're moving swiftly and they came untied.
You put me through all of my paces
To see the answers that were trapped inside.

Blow me a kiss at last
A kiss coated in leaden paint.
To save me put my neck in a cast
But make sure that I suffocate.
And my best mates are bleeding
I didn't tell them all to run away
See, what you do I love,
But what you are I hate.

And Co.

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« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2017, 11:17:26 AM »
Wow, a lot of lyrics. I'm not sure of some verses, sometimes it looks like you didn't have what to say anymore. If my impression is right, just try to remove some verses, those verses you're not sure of. If I'm wrong ignore me please.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

Jenna

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« Reply #2 on: June 17, 2017, 04:57:41 PM »
I see some very nice descriptions. It's a nice job you've done showing and not telling on such an abstract concept. I like it as a poem. As a lyric, I'd try focusing on the core message and how that could be conveyed with as few words as possible. So you've got your core idea, great imagery, and now it's just a matter of squeezing out the excess while sticking to the rhythm you have in mind. I look forward to seeing where you go with this one.

LifeIsAMinefield

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« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2017, 10:25:32 PM »
Wow, a lot of lyrics. I'm not sure of some verses, sometimes it looks like you didn't have what to say anymore. If my impression is right, just try to remove some verses, those verses you're not sure of. If I'm wrong ignore me please.

I see some very nice descriptions. It's a nice job you've done showing and not telling on such an abstract concept. I like it as a poem. As a lyric, I'd try focusing on the core message and how that could be conveyed with as few words as possible. So you've got your core idea, great imagery, and now it's just a matter of squeezing out the excess while sticking to the rhythm you have in mind. I look forward to seeing where you go with this one.

When I timed myself singing, along with the intro and instrumental, the sing came in just over two minutes. I think I have the correct number of lines and verses, but I agree that I  have been quite inefficient with my writing in this one. I'm reworking the second verses as I think it's lost their meanings. I was pretty happy with the chorus and the final verse/outro, however.

Thanks for your opinions!