Relationship related lyrics needs improvement

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Sebadohead

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« on: June 13, 2017, 06:36:25 AM »
Hello everyone. I am a french songwriter writing in English, and this is my first post here.

I am currently working on a song which lyrics revolve around relationships, and I am stuck with a specific couple of lines.

The lyrics go :

"How could we drift so far apart
Over the smell of some new hair?"

That is the best I could come up with so far, and it still sounds weird to me.
What I want to express is : "we used to be a couple, I met this other person and the freshness of this new encounter drove me away from you. I realize now it was futile, yet unavoidable".

My questions to you guys :

- Is "how could we drift so far apart" gramatically correct ?
- "Over the smell of some new hair" sounds both incorrect and badly formulated to me. I would like to keep the "smell of someone's hair" image though.

Thanks in advance for your help and feedback.




Fhaos

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« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2017, 08:35:17 AM »
Hi and welcome! I think "How did we drift so apart" sounds better and
"Over some smell of new hair"  ???

Sebadohead

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« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2017, 08:49:17 AM »
Hi and welcome! I think "How did we drift so apart" sounds better and
"Over some smell of new hair"  ???

Oops sorry, I copy / pasted the wrong version.

The actual line goes "It's just the smell of new hair".
Meaning : "hey, you know I can't resist the smell of this new person's hair"

Still sounds bad.

Thanks for the suggestion on the first line!

Fhaos

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« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2017, 08:54:10 AM »
No problem ;) Oh right I understand where you're coming from. I would say then leave the last line as it does make sense and it doesn't sound bad at all to me. Maybe "For it's the smell of new hair" though it really depends on the lyrics just before it and after?

Jenna

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« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2017, 03:48:19 PM »
Maybe replace the word smell with scent? It sounds more romantic.

Darren1664

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« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2017, 12:02:58 PM »
Hey

I like Jenna's suggestion of using scent as I think it sounds better in this context than smell. Other than that I think the lines are right? I think as you write more of the song how those words fit into the overall theme might change and give you new ideas?

I think the process of writing this (keeping what you want to say in mind) may actually unravel thoughts and feelings that may be laying dormant/out of sight. Use these lyrics to explore your feelings and see what comes out is my advice.

Good luck with it :)

Darren

PS  I just wanted add to what I was trying to say above. Sometimes when I write a song about a particular feeling I can find that my viewpoint has change from where I was when I first penned a line to where I am at the end. I find songwriting helps me to shape my true feelings/opinions on a situation. Sometimes I may feel that someone has done me wrong to find that by the end of the process of writing I have found some sympathy for their situation and it changes how I feel towards them. Meh I'm rambling, sorry!
« Last Edit: June 18, 2017, 12:06:17 PM by Darren1664 »

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2017, 06:22:02 PM »
How could we drift so far apart
because you (or I) smelled somebody's hair?
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Jenna

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« Reply #7 on: June 18, 2017, 06:38:13 PM »
I might drop the hair part and just say scent of a woman. Fragrance can spark emotion like musical notes, so it's a believable concept.

The word 'hair' brings up all sorts of images for people that aren't always romantic. There are other words that come across more romantically like curls, tresses, locks, mane. SO maybe changing that out for one of those would help.

Scent of her raven curls
Scent of her auburn locks
Scent of her flaxen fringe

Etc.

Martinswede

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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2017, 09:18:52 PM »
Hi Sebadohead!

I find that there is a lot of tension between the lines.
'How could we drift so far apart' states an important question but instead of clarifying it 'It's just the smell of new hair' makes the reader/listener ask more questions.

It feels like you are putting a bit too much content into a single line. I do it all the time. This can make the listener jump to the wrong stones in the stream so to speak. If too many things happen between the lines a song can loose its emotional grasp on the listener and end up being confusing.

My solution is to apply some release too. Intrigue the listener. Tension. Then let the listener have this new piece of information. Release. Question that information. Tension. And so on.

Martin