[Neil C]

Hi I know I'm a fairly infrequent visitor to this thread but i'd appreciate any feedback on this one
 
Neil

Two feet, two feet of the ground
The crowd has disappeared, not a sound
“Quick find me a ladder”, don’t want this to be seen
“Cut him down carefully so he can be redeemed”
I’m going down
I’m going down
I’m going down to the river to wash away the pain

Danny weren’t a bad man but you couldn’t call him good
Kept himself to himself, went hunting in the woods
Then something caught his interest, something caught his eye
She was running fast but fate has cast the dye
They’re going down
They’re going down
They’re going down to the river to wash away the sin

Bridge

Deep in the Longleaf pines, far from prying eyes
But someone saw something, that they shouldn’t have seen
The sparks had been ignited and the flames grew higher
Tongues were loose, talk is cheap, like kerosene

c 2017 N Connor
 

[Gill]

Everything looks great. Maybe the line "I’m going down to the river to wash away the pain" can be "I’m going down to the river to wash the pain away" since it's easier on the tongue and it's not reliant on another word to rhyme while keeping it's meaning. the "away the sin" is good doing it like that but then it wouldn't be written the like he first one  Just a thought 

[diademgrove]

Hi Neil,

looks like a murder ballad that starts with hanging. I'm not sure that works for me. I like my stories to unfold without too much mystery, unless they are totally abstract.

I like the images you create and the idea of washing away the pain/sin in the river. the tag at the end of the verses are strong but I think you need more verses to develop the characters and give us a bit more information about what happened.

Looking forward to hearing the finished song.

If you don't agree just ignore what I've wrote.

Keith

[Jenna]

Nice imagery, but I need more details, too.  How it's playing in my head:

Two feet,
two feet
off the ground

The crowd has disappeared,
not a sound
not a sound

“Quick find me a ladder”,
don’t want this to be seen
“Cut him down carefully
so he can be redeemed”

I’m going down
I’m going down
I’m going down to the river
to wash away the pain

Danny weren’t a bad man
but you couldn’t call him good
Kept himself to himself,
went hunting in the woods

Then something caught his interest,
something caught his eye
She was running fast
but fate has cast the dye

They’re going down
They’re going down
They’re going down to the river
to wash away the sin

Bridge

Deep in the Longleaf pines,
far from prying eyes
But someone saw something,
that they shouldn’t have seen

The sparks had been ignited
and the flames grew higher
Tongues were loose,
talk is cheap, like kerosene

I'm just posting this because it helps me to hear it better if I can see it in a structure that exposes the rhythm. It took a few reads to get the gist of the story. I'm drawn in and want to hear more. Will comment further after digesting a little.

[And Co.]

It's like I can see everything you described, good job. Maybe, as Fhaos said, you can change "I'm going to the river to wash away the pain" in "I'm going to the river to wash the pain away", it sounds better I guess. I like that.

[Jenna]

<donning pedant hat> 

I like how the wash away the pain is written, and after thinking about out and running it through my mind a few times this way and that, it dawned on me that it's because I"ve been working so hard in my own writing to not end sentences with prepositions. We're taught that's proper English grammar, but it is much more common in the spoken word to do so. Here in Chicago they have an expression that always left me hanging for the speaker to end their sentence . . . "Would you like to come with?" I'd just stare at them dumbfoundedly while they stared back awaiting my answer. 

[Neil C]

Fhaos,

thanks for the response, I think you're right that line could go either way

Keith,

Yes in  my mind it was about lynching, but why? Interesting comments though about being more explicit and expanding the characters as I was deliberately not too explicit and trying to provide the backstory. I just started with the 'two feet' word play line and went from there. But I could turn the whole story around, food for thought.. 

And Co

Please you liked it and thanks for commenting.
 
Jenna

'I'm drawn in and want to hear more" thats great. Grammar? I don't know I try and do what feels natural

Thanks - now starting to put it to a rock track 
 
Neil

[Darren1664]

Hey Neil

I like these lyrics, although I'm a bit dense and couldn't quite catch the meaning. When I read it was about lynching the opening line made so much more sense to me

As others have mentioned more information might help develop the story but on the other hand I do get that by giving us less information you leave more to the listening to discern the meaning.

From the tracks of yours I have listened too I'm excited to hear the melody of this and what direction you will take the song in. I can't offer much in the way of suggestion unless there was anything specific you were unhappy with? Otherwise I think you are good to go!

[Neil C]

Darren,
Thanks for your comments, think I'm going to stick with the less is more and hope people get it. Going to be my interpretation of Southern Rock - we'll see.
 
Neil

[Paulski]

Liked this one Neil - well done.
Is the guy dead when they say to carefully cut him down?
If he's not, I think they'd be saying "Cut him down quickly",
hmm... but you use quick in the previous line 
Oh well I'm over-analyzing as usual - I like it.

Paul

[Jenna]

The thought occurred to me today that adding the word predator in the lyrics somewhere would help clear things up without having to go into much detail. It would add the imagery needed to pull it all together. After reading through it a few more times, it sounds like the bridge would be the best place for it a la:

Deep in the Longleaf pines,
far from prying eyes
The predator was spied,
In search of nearby screams.

It adds a little meat to the bridge, hopefully without getting too obvious. There seemed to be a little inconsistency in that the setting was far from prying eyes, but someone just happened to be there any way out of the blue. Hearing screams gives the voyeur a reason to show up where prying eyes wouldn't normally exist.