[Jenna]

Fallout

v.1
Fallout shelter underground.
Survival gear scattered around.
Drums of grains. Mildew stains.
Cold War relics still remain.

v.2
Rural folks lived to tell
of childhood days they knew too well.
War fears stoked. Paranoia stroked.
Armageddon had been provoked.

v.3
Another generation's passed.
Fallout shelters holding fast.
War fears stoked. Paranoia stroked.
Armageddon's still blowing smoke.

c.1
The fallout is here
It's become clear
Profiteers and financiers
(hell bent on)
choking off our atmosphere.
Armageddon's growing near.

v.4
Fallout shelter underground,
survival gear hand-me-downs,
Militia crackbrains. Bulging veins.
Armageddon's drum still sounds.

c.2
The fallout is here.
The consequence appeared,
a dying global biosphere.
We look to space, the new frontier.
Armageddon perseveres.
 
© 2017 JKNebel

This is the song that I can hear nearly fully written in my head that I'd like to finish with a collaborator. I'm posting it here for suggestions on the final polishing. Please let me know what you think.

[CaliaMoko]

I get the impression every word has been carefully chosen. The first three verses have a consistently uniform rhyme scheme that's awesome. Then there's the choruses, with the same rhyme sound all the way through! And finally verse 4, which muddles up the rhyme scheme, throwing me off balance.  This is good, because it makes the feel unstable and this is totally an unstable theme.

I see nothing, really, to nitpick at. Maybe "Our consequence appeared" isn't quite as strong as it could be...but maybe it just feels that way because the whole thing is so strong. And maybe it's just me? Definitely possible.  And space being the final frontier is a little common...but not in songs.

I'm anxious to hear how you envision the melody for this. I hope you're able to get a demo up to hear soon.

Nice one!

Vicki

PS: I see, although you've only just joined us, you've hit the ground running! Don't wear yourself out posting in your first days here. I'm looking forward to having you participating with us for a long time!

[Jenna]

Thank you for the wonderful compliments! I've been working on this song very closely for the last couple of days, and have posted it for intense critiquing in a poetry forum. They let me have it with both hammers and gave really great feedback on improvements to strengthen the lyrics. So yes, up to now it's been rewritten over a dozen times, and I'm stilling finding little nitpicks for tweaking.

I do see what you mean about the consequences line. I'll work on it and see if I can make a substitution there. Also, I'm wondering if I should move the first chorus to preface the 3rd verse instead of the other way around. That may be why the 4th verse is catching you off guard. After reading through it a few times, I felt that the 3rd verse needed to preface the chorus, but maybe not. Can't make up my mind there.

I can't wait to find someone to collaborate on this one. I hear it so clearly with military style drumming, a dissonant melody, patriotic flute flourishes, and a giant rumbling bass drum climax like what was played in the remake of Sound of Silence.

PS - I hope to be around her for a long time, too. This seems like a really nice group to work with on creating new songs. I look forward to getting to know everyone a bit better. And don't worry, I've got a handful of songs I've been working on, and plan to stick with it for awhile. I'm finding I rather enjoy it a lot. I have this crazy dream of making royalty checks my retirement income.

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi Jenna: 

I'll want to read the lyric again tomorrow before I comment on it. 

If you have a real good idea of what it should sound like in your head, I can point you to some solutions for getting that music out of your head and onto a recording medium without resorting to a collaborator. 

If the idea in your head is complete enough that you can do a vocal melody, there are ways to create your own basic rough musical draft without being able to play anything. 

If you are interested, let me know. 

Btw.... none of my suggestions will benefit me in any way.  They would just allow you to be a little less dependent upon a collaborator that you might (or might not) be happy with.

[CaliaMoko]

...I'm wondering if I should move the first chorus to preface the 3rd verse instead of the other way around. That may be why the 4th verse is catching you off guard.

You may have misunderstood me about the 4th verse. I like that it catches me off guard. It gives the song an unstable feel that totally suits it. Moving the chorus wouldn't change that for me, as it's the change in rhyme scheme that's doing it. You're so faithful about sticking to a consistent rhyme scheme in the first three verses, then bingo! Suddenly you change it in the 4th verse. It's perfect. I've been lulled into thinking we're going to resolve to a stable theme by the consistency of the first three verses. Then suddenly it's, nope! Not going to happen.

[Jenna]

...I'm wondering if I should move the first chorus to preface the 3rd verse instead of the other way around. That may be why the 4th verse is catching you off guard.

You may have misunderstood me about the 4th verse. I like that it catches me off guard. It gives the song an unstable feel that totally suits it. Moving the chorus wouldn't change that for me, as it's the change in rhyme scheme that's doing it. You're so faithful about sticking to a consistent rhyme scheme in the first three verses, then bingo! Suddenly you change it in the 4th verse. It's perfect. I've been lulled into thinking we're going to resolve to a stable theme by the consistency of the first three verses. Then suddenly it's, nope! Not going to happen.

Got it. That's likely the point where a rumble of kettle drums would be a fun to add.

[Jenna]

Hi Jenna: 

I'll want to read the lyric again tomorrow before I comment on it. 

If you have a real good idea of what it should sound like in your head, I can point you to some solutions for getting that music out of your head and onto a recording medium without resorting to a collaborator. 

If the idea in your head is complete enough that you can do a vocal melody, there are ways to create your own basic rough musical draft without being able to play anything. 

If you are interested, let me know. 

Btw.... none of my suggestions will benefit me in any way.  They would just allow you to be a little less dependent upon a collaborator that you might (or might not) be happy with.

I might try getting a vocal down today while it's still fresh. Then I can noodle around with the guitar and see if I can work out a chord progression to record. I've a bit of a sore throat, but it's a rough, so no biggy. It's more the ideas for the accompaniments I worry about losing. But a collaborator might have better ideas than mine, so there's that. 

[Darren1664]

Hi Jenna

These are really strong lyrics and as Vicki said above, each words seems very carefully chosen. I'll be interested to hear the supporting music to this! I really like the imagery of the post apocalyptic world and really really liked the final line of this. To me it felt like the second last line brings hope but that final line has the impact of taking it away again.

Great write and welcome

Darren

[Paulski]

Hi Jenna

Pretty damn good for a newbee (which you obviously aren't) 
Good hook/title and it is well placed!
Flows nicely for me except one spot:

The fallout is here
We see it clearly

That "ly" on the end of "clear" throws me off meter and causes the rhyme to be offset.
Maybe sth like "It's crystal clear" or "the facts are clear" ?

Other than that I can hear heavy metal - which often uses Armageddon themes.

Paul

[Jenna]

Hi Jenna

These are really strong lyrics and as Vicki said above, each words seems very carefully chosen. I'll be interested to hear the supporting music to this! I really like the imagery of the post apocalyptic world and really really liked the final line of this. To me it felt like the second last line brings hope but that final line has the impact of taking it away again.

Great write and welcome

Darren

Thank you, Darren. I'm so glad to have found you all here. It's very isolating when you enjoy things nobody else in your life is the least bit interested in. I love socializing and sharing experiences, tips, that sort of thing. I'm so glad this forum is available.

Instead of laying down a vocal track, I started working on getting the beat down first and found . . . viola! Mixcraft has kettle drums, and even better, they have H3LLs bass! Oh, so sweet. So I got that down, played with the flute some, a military snare section, and then I crashed the darned program and lost all of that work. Haha. Oh well. I thought the thing would autosave, but I guess not. Lesson learned!

@Paulski . . . I absolutely am a newbie! I'm just a language person and have always enjoyed word games and reading. It keeps you sharp, they say. I did do some writing in the past, but internet content for websites - you know - all of that annoying nonsense that's repeated from one website to the other.

And I 100% agree with you on that clearly thing! That was one of the suggestions at the poetry forum that I wasn't too fond of but changed it anyway. It was originally worded "we see it clear," but the improper grammar was rubbing them the wrong way. Ha. I think I mentioned before, poetry appears to be far more regimented and rule-based than songwriting. Imagine that. To me, art is art, and poetry is art. Why have so many rules governing the creation of art? I don't make much of a pedant, I guess. I can live with that.

Thank you for the compliment, and I hear heavy metal, too. It's why I'm a little intimidated trying to do the vocal. Maybe I'll play it on the guitar instead, or I can always work on my heavy metal scream (which is more like a screech). That would surely drive away any potential collaborators!

[Jackdaw]

John Cooper Clarke???

Jackdaw1888

[Paulski]

"It's becoming clear"

I'll shut up now 

[Jenna]

"It's becoming clear"

I'll shut up now 

LOL

Perfect!! I'll take it. Thank you!

[Jenna]

John Cooper Clarke???

Jackdaw1888

Punk rock? I'll have to admit, it' one genre I've not been exposed to except the top 40 hits several decades back.

[Jackdaw]

John Cooper Clarke???

Jackdaw1888

Punk rock? I'll have to admit, it' one genre I've not been exposed to except the top 40 hits several decades back.

Hmmm?
Really???
I find that hard to believe.

Well all I can say is this...

"Your words will never be worthy of JCC.
However...
I do wish Jenna luck with Poet TREE"

Jackdaw1888