Can someone help finish this? Also looking for a possible lyrics collaboration.

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Natmilcur

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« on: June 06, 2017, 10:57:53 AM »
Under my skin.

V1:

There’s been a change in you,
Ever since we first met.
You ripped my heart to pieces,
And with you away it went.
I wanted to move on in life,
Yet you came back still.
To haunt me like an evil force,
I want to fucking kill,
And goddamn I’ve came close.
To really fucking trying,
My hate for you just grows,
Through all your constant lying.

Pre chorus:

My hatred grows through thick and thin,
I don’t know why I let you in.
What is this hell you have put me through,
I’m not strong enough to continue.
 

Chorus:
Now you’re under my skin,
I can feel you crawl.
I’m coming undone,
I don’t want you there at all.
Don’t want to feel your venom,
Moving through my veins.
Yet still you play the victim,
Make me feel like it’s my fault.

V2:
You hurt me in the end,
But I’d forgotten how to feel.
You destroyed my heart and soul,
Reminded me pain is real.
You’re running round leaving scars,
Taking people’s hearts and locking them in jars.
Those jars, those little fucking castles of glass.
Inside your soul, black as coal,

Jenna

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« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2017, 12:53:42 PM »

 
Hi Natmilcur. I'm going to try and take a stab at this, and hope I don't go more in depth than you were expecting. I've been learning to do this at a poetry forum that can get into some very finely detailed and intense commentary. Plus, I'm a bit new to the whole thing.



Under my skin. Great title. It makes me want to read on.

V1:

There’s been a change in you,
Ever since we first met.
You ripped my heart to pieces, This is a lot of intensity to start off with. Maybe build up to this with some concrete details and use this verse a little later after explaining what happened. Show -
 don't tell is a good way to build a story. What event ripped your heart to pieces?

And away with you it went.   

I wanted to move on in life,
Yet you came back still.
You haunt me like an evil force,
I want to fucking kill, It makes me want to kill.

And goddamn I’ve come close.  Close to what?
To really fucking trying, Trying to kill?
My hate for you just grows,
Through all your constant lying. Good. I like these two lines. Something explanatory about why there's so much rage.

Pre chorus:

My hatred grows through thick and thin,
I don’t know why I let you in.
What is this hell you have put me through, I'd think of using "you've" here to keep the meter consistent.
I’m not strong enough to continue. I'd think of reworking this line. Continue sounds kind of unnatural here.
 

Chorus:
Now you’re under my skin,
I can feel you crawl. Good. It's creepy. I like it. Good imagery, too.
I’m coming undone, Very common, maybe "It's making me unstable/unhinged/unglued"?
I don’t want you there at all.

Don’t want to feel your venom,
Moving through my veins.
Yet still you play the victim,
Make me feel like it’s my fault. These last two lines killed a really good chorus. These two lines are a universal experience for anyone that's dealt with narcissistic personalities and would be great used to build the story in the verses somewhere.

V2:
You hurt me in the end,
But I’d forgotten how to feel.
You destroyed my heart and soul,
Reminded me pain is real.The mix of verb tenses here is distracting. Also, I'd think of putting the first two lines behind the second two lines, and change the "but" to "After I'd forgotten how to feel."

You’re running round leaving scars,  This last part is likely going to get you into trouble for copyright infringement. It's far too familiar to use in another song.
Taking people’s hearts and locking them in jars.
Those jars, those little fucking castles of glass.
Inside your soul, black as coal,


I hear a lot of rage and pain in this song, so much so that it's a bit of a turnoff. I think it's overdone. But, if that's the whole point of this song, it would be more effective if your verses told the story of how the speaker became so enraged and unhinged by this person's actions that he/she wanted to kill. Having said that, I think you've got some great stuff in here worth building on. Keep writing!

Natmilcur

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« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2017, 12:33:09 PM »
Thank you very much! I'll make sure to use some of your improvements and maybe send you a copy of the re-write? I'll send you a message when they are complete.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2017, 01:56:12 PM »
Jenna has given you a lot of good feedback, and I have only one thing to add. At the beginning, this part:

There’s been a change in you,
Ever since we first met.
You ripped my heart to pieces,
And with you away it went.


The last line feels awkward. I would consider something similar to "Took it with you when you went"

Natmilcur

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« Reply #4 on: June 27, 2017, 02:08:14 PM »
Jenna has given you a lot of good feedback, and I have only one thing to add. At the beginning, this part:

There’s been a change in you,
Ever since we first met.
You ripped my heart to pieces,
And with you away it went.


The last line feels awkward. I would consider something similar to "Took it with you when you went"


Thank you thank you thank you