[CaliaMoko]

I'm working on my "Summer/Beach" challenge entry. The lyric itself has been a challenge for me, in spite of the fact that it's so sparse.

This will be set to a late fifties/early sixties "doo-wop" style in a I - vi - IV - V arrangement, typical of the era.

My questions are:

1. Do I need more lyrics, or will this be enough? I have Verse 1 - Verse 2 - Bridge - Verse 2 - Bridge - Verse 1.

2. If enough, would it be better to have them in a different order?

3. I'm not totally sold on all the words. Do you see weak spots? Any ideas for improvements? What I see as weak spots include "Sandy beaches are callin' my name" and the last two lines of the bridge. I'm the worst judge of my own work, though, and maybe some other lines are weaker?

Summer Sun
VERSE 1
Summer sun
Breezes blowing through my hair
I've left behind my worries and cares
Basking in the summer sun

VERSE 2
Summer sun
Sky is clear and the weather is fine
Sandy beaches are callin' my name
I'm basking in the summer sun

BRIDGE
I've waited so long for the winter to pass
The snow and the storms are all gone at last
I've put away all my toasty warm [cold-weather?] clothes
Dug out my sandals to emancipate my toes

VERSE 2-repeat
Summer sun
Sky is clear and the weather is fine
Sandy beaches are callin' my name
I'm basking in the summer sun

BRIDGE
I've waited so long for the winter to pass
The snow and the storms are all gone at last
I've put away all my toasty warm [cold-weather?] clothes
Dug out my sandals to emancipate my toes

VERSE 1-repeat
Summer sun
Feel the breezes blowing through my hair
I've left behind my worries and cares
I'm basking in the summer sun[/font]

Copyright 2017 Vicki Morrison

[Oldbutyet]

Another good read but not to sure how "emancipate" would sound when sung maybe "liberate"

I think you should be alright with the number of verses, the lay out you have here is six verses enough for a summer beach song i think, reads like it could be a catchy song   

[Jackdaw]

Another good read but not to sure how "emancipate" would sound when sung maybe "liberate"

I think you should be alright with the number of verses, the lay out you have here is six verses enough for a summer beach song i think, reads like it could be a catchy song   

Agreed!!!
Jackdaw1888 :-)

[diademgrove]

Hi Vicki,

I sang your words to Last Kiss by J Frank Wilson and the Cavaliers (amongst others), a minor doo wop classic. Its basically one bar of each chord. If you want to go down the doo wop road you might like to consider the following:

Summer sun fits over the I chord. Breezes blowing fits over the IV chord with through my hair over the V chord. That leaves no lyrics over the iv chord. You could just repeat Summer sun but that would mean having three summer sun's in the verses. My preference would be to add a new line for the iv chord. Same for verse 2.

In the bridge both your suggestions for clothes felt awkward. Winter sounded better as I sang it. I know there's two winter's in the bridge but the song didn't seem to mind.

As I was singing I also replaced emancipate with freed.

I think you need a new third verse before ending with the bridge and first verse.

Dig out a version of Last Kiss if you don't know it. Once you've got the melody try playing the chords and singing along with your lyrics. I'm sure you'll have as much fun as I did.

Looking forward to hearing the finished song.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

[CaliaMoko]

@Oby:
I do like "liberate"...thanks! I'm going to grab it, if you don't mind.

@Jackdaw:
I'm glad you concur!

@Keith:
That was indeed fun! I like your ideas, especially the "winter clothes" one--I might use that. I remember J Frank Wilson's "Last Kiss". My boyfriend at the time used to sing it a lot. I have a picture of him holding a guitar, but he never actually knew how to play. He just sang a cappella all the time.

For some reason, the song that keeps coming to my mind, when I'm working on this, is "I Only Want to Be With You" by Dusty Springfield, because she was one of my absolute favorites! However...I think I'll opt to go with a more ballad-y approach, a slow doo-wop that is sounding like it will work out pretty well with the verses I have right now.

It's really fun trying out different tunes that all use the same chord progression. Like, how about "Heart and Soul"? I just tried that one and it works really well, too. I knew I wanted to use that chord progression, but I didn't realize how many songs--tunes--I could fit these words to. The trick is not duplicate one of the those songs! But to be reminiscent of them. I do think I have a melody now, so I'll post a demo soon.

Vicki

[diademgrove]

Hi Vicki,

Dusty works for me. Although when I sing your words to it I have a line extra at the end. I think upbeat and bouncy goes well with the words.

I'm sure you'll come up with something good.

Keith

[PaulyX]

Hey Vicki
Just wanted to add my vote for "cold weather" or "Winter" clothes rather than "toasty warm".
Scansion aside, "toasty warm" starts to make the Winter sound attractive, so it inteferes a bit with the pull of the song when you are getting excited about Summer. Save it for your Xmas number...
Good luck with finishing it, looking forward to hearing it.
Pauly

[Paulski]

Hi Vicki

Yep - looks true to the genre - and the KISS principle which was prevalent back in those day. Good stuff!
Emancipate has already been mentioned - too high-brow a word for this IMO. A couple of minor suggs:

Breeze is blowing through my hair

This line:

The snow and the storms are all gone at last

Summer does have storms so maybe:

The snow and the cold have (all) gone at last

or

The snow and the cold are now in the past

or "maybe waiting for the winter to end" - which opens up other rhyming opportunities..

Or disregard the above as a personal preference!

Funny thing is I'm doing a four-season's like song so we'll be the 50's/60's reps.

Paul

[CaliaMoko]

@Keith:
When I first started working on melodies for this, I was thinking upbeat and bouncy, but I haven't been able to get that to work for me, for some reason. I've come up with something I like, but it has a more lazy, lying in the sun, feel to it. I'm not totally finished yet, though, so it could still go in any which direction. I appreciate your input! And I wouldn't mind hearing a version, other than mine, set to music.... <<hint! hint!>>

@Pauly:
The "feel" of "toasty warm" hadn't occurred to me, so thanks for bringing that to my attention. I'm crossing it off the list!

@Paul:
Funny thing about "Breezes" and "Breeze is"--they both sound the same when sung. I think I can make it work if I use "The breeze is", though, and that should help clarify which one I'm using, if I sing "breeze is". Good point about the storms! They're out.

I love this forum! It is so helpful to get all this great feedback!

 
Vicki