[Eline97]

Hey guys!

I'm back with a new song! I've also upgraded my guitar and hopefully my guitar skills as well . I think it sounds way better than my last song (the guitar playing), even though there are some tiny mistakes here and there.

I'm really curious what you think of the lyrics and melody and of the guitar part, as in: does the style of the playing match the song and is it enough, too little or too much?

Please let me know your opinions!

UPDATED VERSION:
https://soundcloud.com/user-388540497/criminal-of-love

Soundcloud link (old version):
https://soundcloud.com/user-388540497/love-criminal

Lyrics:

CRIMINAL OF LOVE

Sticks and stones you threw
But my bones were already broken
No soul left to solve this fight
Walking to the door
But it's shut in this lover’s prison
Stuck here while the love runs out

I’m locked away
In this heart-shaped prison
I can’t escape till you say you let me go
This crime of love
You have found me guilty
I sit my sentence of 3 words
This love hurts

It’s like the box of hope
Has been shut so I stopped believing
Beat by beat I take the pain
Dream of better days
Honest love and some happy feelings
But waking up my smile is gone

I’m locked away
In this heart-shaped prison
I can’t escape till you say you let me go
This crime of love
You have found me guilty
I sit my sentence of 3 words
This love hurts

Can I ever rehabilitate
Can I unlock your stone cold embrace
I’ll beat your prison heart and move on

I’m locked away
In this heart-shaped prison
I can’t escape till you say you let me go
This crime of love
You have found me guilty
I sit my sentence of 3 words
This love hurts

I’m locked away
Like a criminal of love
Of love

[Martinswede]

Hi!

While I listened and read the lyrics it felt like they were not
making 100% sense but when you sang that last three line
part it all came together.

What I liked the most was the 'Can I ever...' part. It had a nice
and different melody. Your voice is good but I'd like to hear more
of a difference between verse and chorus.

Good job!

Martin

[Gill]

I have no knowledge on guitar playing but what I can say is that it's a nice melody with fitting lyrics. Great chorus!   

[CaliaMoko]

There's lots I like about this. For instance lyric lines like:

"box of hope"
"heart-shaped prison"
"I sit my sentence of three words"

In my opinion the guitar and the vocal go together and, no, I don't think the guitar is "too much".

Possible opportunities for improvement:

"Sticks and stones you throw" strikes me as an awkwardly arranged phrase. Consider "You threw sticks and stones". If you're looking for a near rhyme for "broken", you still have it. Using "threw" instead of "throw" puts the phrase in the past tense so it matches "were already broken". And the awkward order of words is gone.

"In this heart-shaped prison"...nice line! When you sing it, you're emphasizing "this", while "heart" is in the background. If that's the way you want it, never mind, but in my mind, "heart" should be emphasized and "this"...maybe a little, but not so much as "heart". You could move to "this" more quickly, and sing "heart" on the beat where you're now singing "this". However, it may be the way you want it already, in which case, never mind. I think there are some who would disagree with me, so don't hurry and change this because of what I'm saying.

Last thing: You write "Like a criminal of love". I'm not sure if your intention is to say you ARE a criminal of love? Or just being treated like one. If the second, never mind. If you're saying you're a criminal of love, you could change that next to last line to "I'm a criminal of love". I'm thinking while I'm typing and I'm thinking now that it's likely you're saying you're a prisoner of love, being treated like a criminal (of love). So probably, never mind this paragraph.  

That's all I noticed, and probably only the first point has any validity at all. Nice one.

Vicki

[Wicked Deeds]

Hello,

You have a beautiful voice. I haven't  heard you play guitar before. It's a little unsteady in places but you'll take care of that in time.

To be honest, 'Love Criminal' isn't the obvious title. I'd focus on 'This Love hurts' it jumps of the page as the obvious alternative.

I'm listening to the dynamics of the vocal melody.  I think it's wise to sing the 1st verse in a lower register as you have done then lift the vocal with 'I'm locked away', which then leads to the 'This love hurts lyric.  This repeated pattern ensures an instantly recognisable verse, chorus pattern. 

I'd perhaps consider changing the middle 8 chords and also the vocal melody at this point - new chords will inform the direction of a new contrasting melody. It would make a big difference to the song, setting it up nicely for the final chorus.

I'm not going to comment on the lyrics.  They are such a personal aspect of your song.  I would more than likely rewrite in too many places. I believe that you will really hone your lyrics in the fullness of time.  I think you will go on to write some wonderful songs and your voice will communicate great emotion in your writing.

Paul

[Eline97]

Thank you all for your feedback! There's some really valuable stuff that I will use, so I think I'll post an updated version tonight or tomorrow.

"Sticks and stones you throw" strikes me as an awkwardly arranged phrase. Consider "You threw sticks and stones". If you're looking for a near rhyme for "broken", you still have it. Using "threw" instead of "throw" puts the phrase in the past tense so it matches "were already broken". And the awkward order of words is gone.

"In this heart-shaped prison"...nice line! When you sing it, you're emphasizing "this", while "heart" is in the background. If that's the way you want it, never mind, but in my mind, "heart" should be emphasized and "this"...maybe a little, but not so much as "heart". You could move to "this" more quickly, and sing "heart" on the beat where you're now singing "this". However, it may be the way you want it already, in which case, never mind. I think there are some who would disagree with me, so don't hurry and change this because of what I'm saying.

Last thing: You write "Like a criminal of love". I'm not sure if your intention is to say you ARE a criminal of love? Or just being treated like one. If the second, never mind. If you're saying you're a criminal of love, you could change that next to last line to "I'm a criminal of love". I'm thinking while I'm typing and I'm thinking now that it's likely you're saying you're a prisoner of love, being treated like a criminal (of love). So probably, never mind this paragraph. 

I will change the word throw to threw, good one! However, I wanted to start the song with 'sticks and stones' instead of 'you threw', because I thought it would be a more powerful opening. Hence the awkward word order, which I always assume is kind of allowed in songwriting . Do you still think it would be better if I changed it?

In my updated version, I'll try to emphasize the word heart in at least one of the choruses, so you can assess whether you like that better

The last sentence is indeed meant to say I feel like and am being treated like a criminal of love.

To be honest, 'Love Criminal' isn't the obvious title. I'd focus on 'This Love hurts' it jumps of the page as the obvious alternative.

I'm listening to the dynamics of the vocal melody.  I think it's wise to sing the 1st verse in a lower register as you have done then lift the vocal with 'I'm locked away', which then leads to the 'This love hurts lyric.  This repeated pattern ensures an instantly recognisable verse, chorus pattern. 

I'd perhaps consider changing the middle 8 chords and also the vocal melody at this point - new chords will inform the direction of a new contrasting melody. It would make a big difference to the song, setting it up nicely for the final chorus.

I was thinking about changing the title to Criminal of Love, but I think "This Love Hurts" would be a little too mainstream, because that feels just like the conclusion of the chorus to me, not like the essence of the song.

I also think the verses would be better in a lower register, so I will do that in the updated version!
Im wondering which chords you mean exactly, the chords of the verses? And what kind of change would you suggest?

[Wicked Deeds]

If you're happy to post the existing chords for this song, or pm them to me, I'd be happy to suggest an alternative progression that you could write a new vocal melody to.  I'd change the progression beginning 'can I ever rehabilitate.

Paul

[CaliaMoko]

...I wanted to start the song with 'sticks and stones' instead of 'you threw', because I thought it would be a more powerful opening. Hence the awkward word order, which I always assume is kind of allowed in songwriting . Do you still think it would be better if I changed it?

I have seen awkward word arrangements in many published songs and poems, so it is certainly allowed. I think it's used more often than it should be. That is, I think people often use it for convenience in order to achieve their rhyming goals.

However, in your case, you have a specific reason for putting the strong phrase "sticks and stones" at the beginning. I have said, many times, the rules should only be broken for specific reasons, not just for convenience. So, in my opinion, you're covered.

[Eline97]

https://soundcloud.com/user-388540497/criminal-of-love

This is the updated version! I decided to change the guitar part of the verses and I like it better this way, because it makes even more of a difference between the verse and the chorus. It's a quick, one-take version, but I already like it better than the first one!

The lyrics are the same as in the first version, except for "throw", which is "threw" now - thanks Vicki
 Let me know what you think!