[hazzaj500]

Hi i've recently uploaded my 2nd song video/demo attempt, let us know please what you think

[Darren1664]

Hey mate

I would like the lyrics for this as they sound really interesting just from hearing. You vocal is really good and I enjoyed the melody! I thought the guitar and overall performance need a little practice but not a million miles away. I think the song work with just acoustic and vocal but could also hear this a little up tempo with some distorted electric guitars and some heavy percussion.

I wander how you hear this in your mind? Do you hear this as it is or with drums bass etc?

Anyway - nice tune with real potential

All the best
Darren

[hazzaj500]

Hi Darren, thanks a lot man, the simplistic melody sort of came from nowhere, glad you like it:)
Heres the lyrics

Talk to me, cos your eyes look like they don’t wanna see
I made you believe, that fairy tales are fantasy
But how? (x4)

Set me free, and live your life stuck up a tree
Or count to three, as you know that you can count on me
Now (x4)

You’ve lived 18 years, without a close friend
You’ve spent all of this time, stuck at a dead-end
But now that I’m here, I got you on the mend
All I need is for you to talk to me (x4)

Why can’t I see, why you’re struggling to pay the bills
Why can I see, a living room scattered with pills
I think you need to share my room (x4)

Why don’t I know, whether the drugs are gonna stop
Why do I know, that crack is smeared along your top
I need to protect you, from those horrid fumes(x2)

Oh darling you don’t even speak
I see the pain in your eyes
Oh girl you look so weak
I feel like you’re about to cry

I’m here for you now
Don’t be afraid of that scum
I’m here to show you how
Your new life has begun

You’ve lived 18 years, without a close friend
You’ve spent all of this time, stuck at a dead-end
But now I’m here, I got you on the mend
Oh my god my god the mend

  All I need
Is for you to talk me
All I need
You to talk to me
So darling I’ll mend you
And then its your turn to mend me
All I need for you
Is for you to talk to me
To talk to me
To talk to me

[Darren1664]

You're welcome pal

I have to say I love your lyrics. I think there is a real impact in them and they flow really well!

One small nit was this line ''I made you believe, that fairy tales are fantasy'' only because to me fairytales are fantasy oh I'm such a grump so just ignore me. If you did want to change you could simply change it to ''I made you believe, that fairy tales aren't fantasy''

but yeah great lyrics and great potential in this. Good luck with this pal

Darren

[hazzaj500]

sure haha, i know what you mean. I guess it is an obvious lyric with the "are fantasy"

[PaulyX]

Hey Haazaj500,
Thanks for posting this, I felt there's a good song in here looking for some polishing.
I thought your main melody was good and I like the guitar chord choices, plus there are some powerful lyrics in here.  Like Darren, I could also imagine a 'rocked up' version of this.
If you don't mind some constructive criticism, I would say it's time to get your editing pen out and trim it, as at 5:28 it's unusually long and got a bit repetitive.  What if you forced yourself to get it down to 3 and a half to 4 minutes, and that meant only keeping the verses you are most in love with?  My other suggestion would be to try to accentuate the chorus a bit more (maybe vary the melody a bit so you're reaching for higher notes there? or changing the rhythm of the strumming?) since at the moment, although it's got a nice mellow flow all the way through, there isn't a lot of dynamic change in it so it wasn't obvious to me what the chorus or 'hook' is.  (Or maybe you don't want a chorus and you want it to be more of a Dylan-esque, longer, lyric-driven piece, in which case... just ignore me!)
Hope that helps - it's very good for a second song, keep em coming.

[hazzaj500]

Hi paul, thanks for the response, i think ill take out one verse and/or speed up the tempo when it comes to making a proper recording, and on the melody variation, im just gonna work on my ranges to see whats possible as i think i fall down when i know im being recorded. Will let you know, stay subbed to my youtube too if you're keen

[Cazrolina]

HEAPS of potential here. Great stuff. If you develop it, Im hearing a rock vibe too. A big fat mother*****  nirvana style guitar that sneaks up completely unannounced, then coming in and out - in my imagination anyway. But what do i know! Nice work, mate.

[hazzaj500]

Aww that's the best reply i could come home from work to, thanks Caz! I will be trying to hire out a studio or get some software ready to add more effects/instruments in the next fortnight