'SUMMER of GOLD' --- ( SUMMER SONG COMPETITION )

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Jackdaw

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« on: May 20, 2017, 04:21:40 PM »
Summer of Gold
In Winter you hide
Come take my hand
Over sands, sea and tide.

Promenades, Picnics
Fun Festivals and Fetes
Iced drinks by the pool
Young kids stay up late.

Wedding bells, Steet parties
BBQ's and Fairs
Adventure Theme parks
Wild rides of who dares.

Summer of Gold
In Winter you hide
Come take my hand
Over sands, sea and tide.

Flowers, Red rose
The buzzing of Bees
Newly mowed grass
Dawn Songbirds in trees.

Horse Shows, Hunting
The Foxes chase Hare
Cornfields in bloom
Sway dance to warm air.

Summer of Gold
In Winter you hide
Come take my hand
Over sands, sea and tide.

Sunbeds and Suncreams
And Sarongs so sheer
Hazy strolls in the Park
The loud Cricket match cheer.

Bandstands, the Concerts
Songs play to night Stars
Our Summer of Gold
Watched by Venus and Mars.

Jackdaw1888 :-)
« Last Edit: June 04, 2017, 02:29:25 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Darren1664

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« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2017, 09:29:48 AM »
Hi Jackdaw

I have read each of your lyrics but don't have time to reply to them all individually, so I am replying here :)

I think you definitely have a way with words and a nack for rhyming. You lyrics read very well but I do struggle to picture them to music.

Do you have a musical instrument? (Your voice would do...) I suggest playing around with melodies with your lyrics and seeing what you can come up with. I think this might force you to change some of the words but might make your lyrics more naturally musical then poetic, if that makes sense.

On the other hand - what the hell do I know :P and a talented musician might churn your lyrics to music with ease. I dunno. But for personal development I think it would be a huge benefit to you and a lot of fun.

Good luck with this and keep writing.

All the best
Darren

Jackdaw

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« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2017, 01:03:21 PM »
Hi Jackdaw

I have read each of your lyrics but don't have time to reply to them all individually, so I am replying here :)

I think you definitely have a way with words and a nack for rhyming. You lyrics read very well but I do struggle to picture them to music.

Do you have a musical instrument? (Your voice would do...) I suggest playing around with melodies with your lyrics and seeing what you can come up with. I think this might force you to change some of the words but might make your lyrics more naturally musical then poetic, if that makes sense.

On the other hand - what the hell do I know :P and a talented musician might churn your lyrics to music with ease. I dunno. But for personal development I think it would be a huge benefit to you and a lot of fun.

Good luck with this and keep writing.

All the best
Darren

Dear Darren.
Sincere thanks for your kind comments.
I do not sing or play any instruments but strangely enough one of my Uncle's has always sang for a living.

Best Wishes
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Ps...
Summer of Gold?
I can only visualise the early Stereophonics playing such a song at the mo.
Their melodic melodies and rhymes were so fab on their first albums.
Or maybe a Gerry Rafferty or Joe Egan?
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

adamfarr

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« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2017, 05:23:05 AM »
Hi Jack...
I really like short lines (something I need to work on!) and this is really effective.

I think this might be an opportunity, in addition to presenting the Summer memories, to really take us there with some senses-related images e.g. You get the smell of the fields, but maybe we could have the sounds of the fair, the zing or the stickiness of the ice cream etc.? Just a suggestion as those sorts of details can be very relatable.

That said, you have a good song here already. I'd have another look at "fun trips out" - I'm sure there's something more interesting to say there. And I'm not sure if you meant to say "dance sway" - one or the other is probably better. Finally, a bit in line with what Darren says, I can't really picture myself singing the word "foliage" ... maybe give it a try and see if something else comes to mind - an idea like a chiffon or a sarong (?) that a lady might wear on Summer days could be cool...

Not being critical at all, just looking to see how this could be made even more memorable and singable, and just one (quirky) person's opinion so feel free to ignore as always!

Jackdaw

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« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2017, 09:01:52 AM »
Hi Jack...
I really like short lines (something I need to work on!) and this is really effective.

I think this might be an opportunity, in addition to presenting the Summer memories, to really take us there with some senses-related images e.g. You get the smell of the fields, but maybe we could have the sounds of the fair, the zing or the stickiness of the ice cream etc.? Just a suggestion as those sorts of details can be very relatable.

That said, you have a good song here already. I'd have another look at "fun trips out" - I'm sure there's something more interesting to say there. And I'm not sure if you meant to say "dance sway" - one or the other is probably better. Finally, a bit in line with what Darren says, I can't really picture myself singing the word "foliage" ... maybe give it a try and see if something else comes to mind - an idea like a chiffon or a sarong (?) that a lady might wear on Summer days could be cool...

Not being critical at all, just looking to see how this could be made even more memorable and singable, and just one (quirky) person's opinion so feel free to ignore as always!


Thankyou for your comments and advice.

I will work on a few edits.

Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2017, 11:06:44 AM »
Hi Jack...
I really like short lines (something I need to work on!) and this is really effective.

I think this might be an opportunity, in addition to presenting the Summer memories, to really take us there with some senses-related images e.g. You get the smell of the fields, but maybe we could have the sounds of the fair, the zing or the stickiness of the ice cream etc.? Just a suggestion as those sorts of details can be very relatable.

That said, you have a good song here already. I'd have another look at "fun trips out" - I'm sure there's something more interesting to say there. And I'm not sure if you meant to say "dance sway" - one or the other is probably better. Finally, a bit in line with what Darren says, I can't really picture myself singing the word "foliage" ... maybe give it a try and see if something else comes to mind - an idea like a chiffon or a sarong (?) that a lady might wear on Summer days could be cool...

Not being critical at all, just looking to see how this could be made even more memorable and singable, and just one (quirky) person's opinion so feel free to ignore as always!


Is this a bit more quirky ish?

Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Rosie1991

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« Reply #6 on: May 25, 2017, 12:59:01 AM »
Love this one, short lines. And easy to get into  to lyrics 😊

Jackdaw

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« Reply #7 on: May 25, 2017, 08:00:21 PM »
Many Thanks Rosie :-)

Welcome to the Forum.

Jackdaw1888
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Paulski

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« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2017, 12:55:35 AM »
Hi Jackdaw

Great word economy here - and I love the chorus.  ;D ;D
For me the verses need work. I see that you are using alliterations like buzzing bees, Fun Festivals and Fete etc. and that works nicely, but there are prosody issues where the meter doesn't flow in my head. I think if you can get the verses to flow as well as the chorus, this will be really good.

Paul

Jackdaw

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« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2017, 01:00:52 AM »
Hi Jackdaw

Great word economy here - and I love the chorus.  ;D ;D
For me the verses need work. I see that you are using alliterations like buzzing bees, Fun Festivals and Fete etc. and that works nicely, but there are prosody issues where the meter doesn't flow in my head. I think if you can get the verses to flow as well as the chorus, this will be really good.

Paul

Cheers mister Pauly.

I will gladly take your words n advice on board
And your obvious Erudite knowledge of Song Writing

Jackdaw1888
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2017, 02:56:33 PM »
Hi Jackdaw

Great word economy here - and I love the chorus.  ;D ;D
For me the verses need work. I see that you are using alliterations like buzzing bees, Fun Festivals and Fete etc. and that works nicely, but there are prosody issues where the meter doesn't flow in my head. I think if you can get the verses to flow as well as the chorus, this will be really good.

Paul

Cheers mister Pauly.

I will gladly take your words n advice on board
And your obvious Erudite knowledge of Song Writing

Jackdaw1888

Hope my edits/economy/expression using words now FLOW for you a little bit more?

Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #11 on: June 04, 2017, 02:02:33 PM »
Thought I would add another couple of Verses :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Rosie1991

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« Reply #12 on: June 04, 2017, 04:27:09 PM »
I  loved it the first time, but now has more, would love to hear this in a song. So hopefully it might. So wishing you all the best with this one

Jackdaw

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« Reply #13 on: June 04, 2017, 09:49:06 PM »
I  loved it the first time, but now has more, would love to hear this in a song. So hopefully it might. So wishing you all the best with this one

Cheers Rosie.
I too loved it the first time its words wandered and flowed through my thoughts and my mind.

Jackdaw1888 :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.