Oh my! This is a morbid, gruesome example of reminiscent-of-the-sixties surfer/beach music. Yikes. Done well, though, I think.
Except for the word "buzz" in the first verse, the rhyming is all pretty consistent, and much of it is in perfect rhyme, which is a contrast to the negative theme of the lyric.
I like your treatment--the way you kind of "robotize" the vocal. It gives it a detached feeling that seems appropriate.
Vicki
