The Hand of Fate

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Jackdaw

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« Reply #15 on: May 23, 2017, 06:32:15 PM »
To each and every one of You.
I would just like to say a big Thankyou for accepting me to your Forum and allowing me to express myself and my love of word.
The truth is...
My Dad past away this morn.
Maybe by the Hand of Fate.

RIP Michael
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #16 on: May 23, 2017, 06:46:26 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss!  :'(

I am glad you are finding the forum beneficial. I have always--since I became active here--found this community to be very accepting and supportive.

Sincerely,
Vicki

Darren1664

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« Reply #17 on: May 23, 2017, 06:56:52 PM »
Very sorry for your loss Jack :(

Jackdaw

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« Reply #18 on: May 23, 2017, 08:19:11 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss!  :'(

I am glad you are finding the forum beneficial. I have always--since I became active here--found this community to be very accepting and supportive.

Sincerely,
Vicki

Thankyou Vicki.
I just had to express my emotions somewhere...
even if it be a stranger?

Jack :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #19 on: May 23, 2017, 08:21:08 PM »
Very sorry for your loss Jack :(


Many thanks Darren.

Jack :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2017, 06:32:29 PM »
I wrote a Poem many moons ago.
It is entitled the 'Colours of Life'

The ode is now the "inspiration" behind the song ...
'The Hand of Fate'

Jackdaw1888 :-)

And obviously my icon come poet...
mister Bob Dylan!!!
« Last Edit: May 27, 2017, 06:35:20 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2017, 01:22:40 AM »
This needs more work me thinks :-)

I agree. 
This can be a great lyric, and it's still just a good lyric.  Here is specifically how I think it "needs more work" in my humble opinion. 

It has a wonderful array of magnificent word pictures which don't quite come together and create a "flow of ideas from beginning to middle to end."   I think that you need to do some work figuring out exactly what story you want to tell, and/or what emotion you want to evoke. 

THEN. . . I think you need to do some "addition by subtraction."  Delete everything that doesn't directly pertain to the story you want to tell, and/or the emotion you want to evoke.  Write a "topic sentence" that says exactly what you want to tell us. . . then get rid of (or change) everything that doesn't directly support that topic sentence.  The topic sentence can be about mood or about story. 

Your lyric currently has "too much good stuff" in my opinion.  That doesn't mean you discard some of it.  It just means write TWO songs, not just one. 

This can be incredible.  But it needs to become "tightly cohesive" to do so. 

Good luck.  And I'm really looking forward to seeing this finished.
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Jackdaw

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« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2017, 12:55:32 PM »
This needs more work me thinks :-)

I agree. 
This can be a great lyric, and it's still just a good lyric.  Here is specifically how I think it "needs more work" in my humble opinion. 

It has a wonderful array of magnificent word pictures which don't quite come together and create a "flow of ideas from beginning to middle to end."   I think that you need to do some work figuring out exactly what story you want to tell, and/or what emotion you want to evoke. 

THEN. . . I think you need to do some "addition by subtraction."  Delete everything that doesn't directly pertain to the story you want to tell, and/or the emotion you want to evoke.  Write a "topic sentence" that says exactly what you want to tell us. . . then get rid of (or change) everything that doesn't directly support that topic sentence.  The topic sentence can be about mood or about story. 

Your lyric currently has "too much good stuff" in my opinion.  That doesn't mean you discard some of it.  It just means write TWO songs, not just one. 

This can be incredible.  But it needs to become "tightly cohesive" to do so. 

Good luck.  And I'm really looking forward to seeing this finished.


Many thanks for your comments and advice.
I respect your humble opinion.

Fantabulous idea re 2 songs!!!

So I am going to delete one of the Verses as I appear to have 2??? and then use such lyrics in The Colours of Life song which I am about to write.

Kind Regards
Jackdaw :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #23 on: May 29, 2017, 05:40:13 PM »
This needs more work me thinks :-)

I agree. 
This can be a great lyric, and it's still just a good lyric.  Here is specifically how I think it "needs more work" in my humble opinion. 

It has a wonderful array of magnificent word pictures which don't quite come together and create a "flow of ideas from beginning to middle to end."   I think that you need to do some work figuring out exactly what story you want to tell, and/or what emotion you want to evoke. 

THEN. . . I think you need to do some "addition by subtraction."  Delete everything that doesn't directly pertain to the story you want to tell, and/or the emotion you want to evoke.  Write a "topic sentence" that says exactly what you want to tell us. . . then get rid of (or change) everything that doesn't directly support that topic sentence.  The topic sentence can be about mood or about story. 

Your lyric currently has "too much good stuff" in my opinion.  That doesn't mean you discard some of it.  It just means write TWO songs, not just one. 

This can be incredible.  But it needs to become "tightly cohesive" to do so. 

Good luck.  And I'm really looking forward to seeing this finished.


Greetings.
I would like your opinion.
As I said the song will only have one Verse/Chorus line now.
It will be something like this...

My Brushstrokes tell your story...

Your future and your dates
Or
Your future and your fate
Or
Your Lovers and your Hates :-)

So I'll Paint things my own way
I am the Hand of Fate

Jackdaw1888 :-)

The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #24 on: May 30, 2017, 04:33:54 PM »
Nearly there me thinks :-) :-) :-)
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Vintage54

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« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2017, 10:37:42 PM »

   HI Jackdaw, what were you doing on my roof this morning? This is an excellent write, some clever wordplay, and needs few if any alterations to the original post. Methinks you can tinker too much, and before you know it, something found is lost. One line was a little awkward, i won't say which, i'm sure you know yourself, but it's hard to find fault. Sorry for your recent loss, and i'm sure i'm not alone, no strangers here, only friends.

                              Great stuff
                                  Vintage54

Jackdaw

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« Reply #26 on: May 30, 2017, 11:16:37 PM »

   HI Jackdaw, what were you doing on my roof this morning? This is an excellent write, some clever wordplay, and needs few if any alterations to the original post. Methinks you can tinker too much, and before you know it, something found is lost. One line was a little awkward, i won't say which, i'm sure you know yourself, but it's hard to find fault. Sorry for your recent loss, and i'm sure i'm not alone, no strangers here, only friends.

                              Great stuff
                                  Vintage54

Arrr many thanks Vintage54
For your kind comments and compassion.

Take care
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Ps...
I was not on your roof this morn.
I was flying over the seas and sands of Time.
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #27 on: May 30, 2017, 11:38:48 PM »

   HI Jackdaw, what were you doing on my roof this morning? This is an excellent write, some clever wordplay, and needs few if any alterations to the original post. Methinks you can tinker too much, and before you know it, something found is lost. One line was a little awkward, i won't say which, i'm sure you know yourself, but it's hard to find fault. Sorry for your recent loss, and i'm sure i'm not alone, no strangers here, only friends.

                              Great stuff
                                  Vintage54

And yes...
I am fully aware that my poetic words and love of rhyme and research are kinda good?

How many other submitted lyrics sent earn over 500 views and various comments within their first month???.

Kind Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)
« Last Edit: May 30, 2017, 11:41:14 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Jackdaw

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« Reply #28 on: May 31, 2017, 04:55:11 PM »

   HI Jackdaw, what were you doing on my roof this morning? This is an excellent write, some clever wordplay, and needs few if any alterations to the original post. Methinks you can tinker too much, and before you know it, something found is lost. One line was a little awkward, i won't say which, i'm sure you know yourself, but it's hard to find fault. Sorry for your recent loss, and i'm sure i'm not alone, no strangers here, only friends.

                              Great stuff
                                  Vintage54

Tell me which line please?

I myself have considered several.

Thanks
Jackdaw
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Rosie1991

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« Reply #29 on: June 03, 2017, 10:38:56 AM »
Kinda of like this,  it reminds me of earlier lyrics of Bob Dylan