[Warfanatic141]

Hi, everyone, this is my first time on the forum and I'm looking for some kinda feedback on this new song I wrote, it's sort of a slow acoustic song called Laid-back Silhouette
 


Verse 1:
Do you wish there was a place where you can filter your thoughts?

For me, it's a back room, of any place that's quiet and calm

Voices surround me, giving anxiety, overwhelming to a point

Parties and social gatherings, are, oh, so overrated, I need to blow off steam

Chorus:
I'm just a laid-back silhouette, in the background of a coffee shop, avoiding
the crowd, hiding away with the thoughts I've got
 
Verse #2:
I'm fine being a common sunflower in a plethora of beguiling roses

But rather than listening to obnoxious
Babel, I'd rather listen to the echoes of tranquility

Drowning in delicate daffodils, getting caught up staring at the stars

Alas, this only exists within my dreams

Chorus #2:
I'm just a laid-back silhouette, behind a soundless wall, thinking of all the things that render in my mind

Bridge:
Used to play solitaire in a full classroom
Used to get worked up being the center of attention
Used to get lost in fantasy to escape this reality
Used to spend hours musing under a nearby bridge
Contemplating peace

[hardtwistmusic]

Let me suggest some format changes so that your lyric is easier to evaluate. 

Hi, everyone, this is my first time on the forum and I'm looking for some kinda feedback on this new song I wrote, it's sort of a slow acoustic song called Laid-back Silhouette
 


Verse 1:
Do you wish there was a place
where you can filter your thoughts?
For me, it's a back room,
of any place that's quiet and calm

Voices surround me, giving anxiety,
overwhelming to a point
Parties and social gatherings,
are, oh, so overrated, I need to blow off steam

Chorus:
I'm just a laid-back silhouette,
in the background of a coffee shop,
avoiding the crowd,
hiding away with the thoughts I've got
 
Verse #2:
I'm fine being a common sunflower
in a plethora of beguiling roses
But rather than listening to obnoxious Babel,
I'd rather listen to the echoes of tranquility

Drowning in delicate daffodils,
getting caught up staring at the stars
Alas, this only exists within my dreams

Chorus #2:
I'm just a laid-back silhouette,
behind a soundless wall,
thinking of all the things
that render in my mind

Bridge:
Used to play solitaire in a full classroom
Used to get worked up being the center of attention
Used to get lost in fantasy to escape this reality
Used to spend hours musing under a nearby bridge
Contemplating peace

That little bit of separation of lines can make the difference between whether a reviewer is willing to spend the time figuring out your rhythms or not.

[diademgrove]

Welcome to the Forum Warfanatic,

I think the chorus is really, really strong but the verses don't do it justice. I'm finding it hard to feel any empathy with the singer of the verses whilst I have loads for the singer of the chorus.

The chorus is a little ambiguous (a good thing), are you happy being a silhouette nor just pretending to be happy. However the first verse implies you are neither happy or pretending to be happy but anxious unless the coffee shop is almost empty. Yet in the second verse it appears the anxiety has disappeared as you are surrounded by other flowers.

The bridge sort of sticks out because you haven't explained any of your past in the verses or chorus and I'm left wondering why, what happened. A song doesn't have to be self-contained but it definitely helps if it is.

The verse should lead to the punch line which is the chorus. So for example the first verse could describe how you can find tranquility in a crowded room. The second verse could explain the thoughts you have which may be you are looking for someone to share your dreams.

The bridge could be actually meeting her/him.

Sorry for being so negative but the chorus is very good and is let down by the verses in my opinion.

Keith

[Vintage54]

    Hello Warfanatic,
       
         I think the suggestion from HTW about the layout is a good one, looks better that way for me This reads more like a prose piece than a song lyric, and though it's lacking in rhyme, it still works. I guess the reason i like it, is because i see a lot of myself in the character. Strong opening salvo my friend, welcome to the battlefield.

                              Vintage54