Doing time.

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Vintage54

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« on: May 08, 2017, 09:19:29 PM »

       First off, apologies for going Awol, not been around for a couple of months or so.
       The reason, life got in the way. A job loss for one, just not had time to login or
       produce new work. But things are back on an even keel again. I'm sure i've
       missed lots of good stuff while i've been away, but i'll catch up. Just started writing
       again about five days ago, and came up with this. Hope it meets with your approval.

                                       Doing Time

                       From the first breath we take
                       Down to the last
                       With every grain of sand
                       That slips through the glass
                       From the crack of early dawn
                       To the stars that shine
                       We're all doing time
                       We're all doing time

                       Our ways like handcuffed leaves
                       Will never be free
                       All we can do is just grow
                       Till we fall from the tree
                       Even the wild winds that blow
                       And the mountains that climb
                       Are just doing time
                       Are just doing time

                       Life is some kind of sentence without reason or rhyme
                       From the maternity room to the mortuary sign

                       We all rely on dreams
                       To encourage the soul
                       It's the only way to escape
                       When there is no parole
                       Whether it's just for a year
                       Or ninety nine
                       We're all doing time
                       We're all doing time

                       We look for friendly faces
                       To sit down beside
                       We reach for loving embraces
                       To soften the ride
                       Or it's life in solitary
                       To the end of the line
                       And man that's hard time
                       Man that's hard time

                       Life is some kind of sentence without reason or rhyme
                       From the maternity room to the mortuary sign

                       Some pace between the walls
                       Of night and day
                       Some say life may be hard
                       But i'll dance anyway
                       If the birds can find some joy
                       I'm gonna find mine
                       While i'm doing time
                       While i'm doing time.

                                Vintage54

delb0y

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« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2017, 08:26:16 AM »
Nice poetic lyrics, well done. The only phrase that jumps out at me is handcuffed leaves. It's a lovely image, but the rest of the words are steeped in "real" imagery whereas that couplet is a very unusual picture and doesn't fit (IMHO). The idea of leaves and falling from the tree is fine - but handcuffs? Other than that - superb!
West Country Country Boy

diademgrove

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« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2017, 10:50:32 AM »
Welcome back Vintage,

like Delboy I think the lyrics are really good and work well with a couple of exceptions.

I like the image of handcuffed leaves. I cans ee what you are saying but I'd have been more direct.

We are like handcuffed leaves
We'll never be free

etc.

To me its a very good way of saying the only escape is death.

The other exception is the first line of the chorus. I'm not keen on "some kind". The song and the rest of the chorus is screaming, to my ears, for a more definitive statement. Life is a sentence without rhyme or reason sounds so much better. I know it may interfere with any melody you have in mind but, to me, it would be worth changing the melody.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

adamfarr

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    • SongEspresso
« Reply #3 on: May 09, 2017, 08:33:52 PM »
How about "tethered leaves"? Just a thought. Like it a lot.

PaulyX

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« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2017, 12:11:54 PM »
Johnny Cash appeared in my mind when I read these.  I also thought they were strong lyrics apart from the 'handcuffed leaves' image, that was the only one that felt a bit clumsy.  I was a pleased you went for a little twist in the last verse and injected some nuance of optimism with the "dancing anyway", otherwise it could have been a bit heavy-handedly bleak.  Looking forward to hearing it.
It's all too beautiful.

Vintage54

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« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2017, 08:40:07 PM »

    Thanks guys, for the interest and the input. You all picked up on the parts of the lyric
    that gave me the most trouble, that's what i like about this forum, feedback is essential.
    I've rewrote the handcuffed line and switched the refrain, i feel they now work better with
    the melody i have in mind.
 
                     Like leaves chained to the branches
                     We'll never be free......etc

                     Between the maternity room and the mortuary sign
                     Life is a sentence we face without reason or rhyme.

                                  Thanks again.
                                       Vintage54