[kartman]

Hi guys. I felt the need to show something before I can comment on somebody else's work, so here it goes, my first real post.
Thats the lyrics I'm working on and I'd appreciape comments/feedback on metaphors and prosody, because I'm not sure of so many things here.
The main theme of the lyric is how our subconciousness manifests itself in our dreams, with some personal references and feelings thrown in.

I Dream
[v1]
I dream
Of light in the dark
Igniting the spark
And freeing the spirits to guide me the way
From deserted land
A work of man
And wake me to new life thats waiting for me

[ch]
Waves of the summer, carry me away
Down to the calm of the deep
Where the powers reside and they sway
Taking a hold of my sleep

[v2]
The sky
Collapsing on me
I'm steering this ship
Into the nothing through ocean of lies
The garden of life
The eternal fire...
I'm leaving this harbour to sail in the night
---

I feel that there should be a bridge in it but haven't figured out yet.

Cheers, Stan.

[diademgrove]

Hi Stan,

welcome to the forum.

I like the chorus, its strong. If you don't have a melody for your words I'd try removing "the" in the first line and get rid of the comma. I'd also consider taking away the "down" in the second line. It makes the first two lines more direct and hard hitting to me. In the third line the "they" seems to get in the way of the flow.

The verses work for me as well although they don't seem to flow. They have awkward corners that dilute the message of the words.

I don't really want to rewrite your words without you have a chance to say if you mind. They would be similar to what I suggested for the chorus.

As a story your lyrics work very well. Feel free to ignore my suggestions if you disagree.

Keith

[Oldbutyet]

Hey Stan welcome.

I like whats in your line of words and i think many will connect with them, some of my own writing came from dreams and nightmares, weird place of drifting sometimes nice sometimes not.

I can see why you ask should there be a bridge in it, okay this is the way im reading seeing what you have here, your first verse has you entering your dream your chorus is the dream has a hold of you you struggle but you feel at ease, your second verse is you know you're coming out of that dream.

Sometimes when we cant find that other verse or bridge we use the first verse again, because its the one that got us in there, if you have a melody for this then record and listen back and take it from there.

Also Keith might have the answer to your question. 

[diademgrove]

Oldbutyet, I took the second verse to mean the opposite, Stan was sailing into his dream world. That's what I really like about songs. it allows the listener to create their own world, which may be totally different to the one envisaged by the writer.

[kartman]

Thanks for feedback guys, much appreciated!

Keith,
Your suggestion to drop some articles from chorus is really good, makes me wonder how I haven't thought about this myself  
And what do you mean by "awkward corners" in verses? Is it about rhythm/rhyming or ideas/metahpors?
Also feel free to rewrite stuff if you have time/inspiration, I'm totally up to new ideas.

Oldbutyet,
Actually its other way around - in the second verse I go deeper into the dream and completely lose touch with life sailing "into the night" (echoing with - do not go gentle into that good night...), but I get your point.
And with that in mide I had several ideas for the bridge:
i) me arriving to an island of sanity and hoping to awake (to continue with an idea of sailing through the dream)
ii) picture a complete shipwreck (it will depend on my mood  
iii) and I like to throw biblical references here and there, so I'm thinking about Jonah and the whale story, and how it fits really well with my "powers that reside in the deep" line. Being swallowed by the whale is like completely submerge into the deep mind. I kinda like this twist.

[Oldbutyet]

Hey Stan

I like all your ideas for the bridge "Jonah and the whale story" that sounds real interesting, also using one of the lines of the words you have to explain.

"arriving on an island of sanity and hoping to awake"  then maybe the last chorus part just add the word "But" to the first line.

But the waves of the summer, carry me away
Down to the calm of the deep
Where the powers reside and they sway
Taking a hold of my sleep

Looking forward to reading what you add to what you have so far