[Eline97]

Hi guys!

I've been very busy with exams for some time now, but I'm back with a new song. The guitar part is a little messy because I'm still practicing this song and I only play the guitar for like 9 months now, and the vocals are imperfect on this one-take recording, because it's quite a sad song, but I wanted to ask your opinions about it! It's called "More Than Mine".

Please be honest, I know about the guitar flaws, but any feedback is welcome.
This is the first really personal song I've been able to finish so far, so I'm pretty curious what you all think!

You can find the recording on Soundcloud:
https://soundcloud.com/user-388540497/more-than-mine

LYRICS

Deafening silence
Around me
Present absence in the house

Not alone in coping
With loss
But I fight it on my own

Cause I don’t want my mom to see I’m crying
She doesn’t have to take part of my pain
I think about you always but I never bring it up
Cause I don’t want to see her cry no more

Head on her tear-stained pillow
She silently cries
Thinking of all the words
Lost with her goodbyes
And I lie beside her
She thinks I’m asleep
But actually I’m tearing up
Just hearing her weep

The moment she breaks deep, deep down I realize
That her tears hurt more than mine

She’ll never be with
Another than you
But I’ll be everyone for her

Don’t you worry
About us
She has me I am partly you

So I go on pretending that I’m smiling
My eyes forgot how to make tears
She’s getting better while I’m stuck in my pain
But it’s worth it cause she cries no more

Head on her tear-stained pillow
She silently cries
Thinking of all the words
Lost with her goodbyes
And I lie beside her
She thinks I’m asleep
But actually I’m tearing up
Just hearing her weep

The moment she breaks deep, deep down I realize
That her tears hurt more than mine
That her tears hurt more than mine

[Deadwood]

Hi Eline

I hope the exams have gone / are going ok.

Sad lyrics  Only you know what they're really about but you've translated the emotion really well through the song. It's a nice melody as well.

Some suggestions... it seems like the low notes are at the bottom of your range and almost too difficult for you to sing. Could you bring the song up a key or two by using a capo? Also, a couple of the lines didn't scan so good, e.g. But actually I'm tearing up

But other than those minor issues, a good song.

Well done.

Ed

[Mikey]

Hello Eline

As you have said, the guitar playing needs a lot of work, but the song is great, the lyrics are really nice and the vocal is really good, you have captured the emotion well especially as it builds up towards the end, all it needs is a little polishing in the production , you have a really nice voice, it is definitely worth continuing with the song

[Eline97]

Thanks for your reactions Ed and Mikey!

I think I'll go on with the song then, I'm saving up for a good guitar and I'm almost there, so hopefully that'll be easier to play than the old crappy one I used while learning the basics of playing.

You're absolutely right by the way, Ed, I'll use a capo in my next recording. A higher key will probably also give the vocals more emotion.

I'll post an updated version in the finished songs board when it's done, but for now, thanks for the feedback!

[pompeyjazz]

Hi Eline, lovely song, great melody and vocals and of course the guitar needs re-recording properly but that doesnt distract from what is a lovely song and well worth persuing

[hardtwistmusic]

I was impressed with the song.  The guitar work can (as you said) use a little work, and you can improve the vocal with simple repetititive singing of the song.

It also helps to LISTEN to your own recording repeatedly.  After you listen enough, you will automatically recognize the parts you want improved, and can then naturally sing it to re-record. 

All in all, it's a beautiful work in progress that can only get better as you work it.

[CaliaMoko]

I always like your songs, and this one is no exception!

I like your lyric so much--it expresses the emotion and tells the story really, really well. I wonder a little about one line: "My eyes forgot how to make tears"... Are you maybe saying you've cried so much, you don't have any tears left. I didn't come up with that idea until I thought about it for awhile but, as I have said before and will say again, I have a tendency to be dense.

I didn't mind when you dropped to the low notes--it seemed to suit the emotion for me--but I am interested in hearing it a bit higher to see if any of that is lost. I'm guessing probably not. This song has so much feeling, I think it could easily move the listener to tears.

Really great work, and I look forward to hearing the next update!

Vicki

[Eline97]

Thank you for all your feedback!

 

It also helps to LISTEN to your own recording repeatedly.  After you listen enough, you will automatically recognize the parts you want improved, and can then naturally sing it to re-record. 

This is a really good one! I just did, and I noticed that the second half of the song was already a little better than the first part. I will definitely use this when I record the improved version

I like your lyric so much--it expresses the emotion and tells the story really, really well. I wonder a little about one line: "My eyes forgot how to make tears"... Are you maybe saying you've cried so much, you don't have any tears left. I didn't come up with that idea until I thought about it for awhile but, as I have said before and will say again, I have a tendency to be dense.

I didn't mind when you dropped to the low notes--it seemed to suit the emotion for me--but I am interested in hearing it a bit higher to see if any of that is lost. I'm guessing probably not. This song has so much feeling, I think it could easily move the listener to tears.

Thanks for your kind words Vicki! About the line you mentioned: it should be taken very literally. Some time ago, I came to this point where, no matter how hard I tried, I just wasn't able to cry because I tried pushing it away so hard for so long. So I actually didn't cry at all, instead of crying a lot. Don't know whether it makes more sense now, or if I should change it?

Maybe I'll eventually upload a higher key version and a same key, but improved version, so you guys can tell me which one matches the feeling of the song better

All of your feedback really helps me to see which points need improvement, so thanks a lot!!

[Eline97]

I hope the exams have gone / are going ok.

Totally forgot about this, but I got great results, thanks for asking!

[Wicked Deeds]

It's easy to overlook the guitar which you are currently learning.  I think you're doing incredibly well after such a short time.  The vocals are very good and I enjoyed the lyrics.  I think you will continue to go from strength t strength.  Well done!

Paul

[Martinswede]

Hi Elaine!

This is a  good song, practice would make it better but it's still good.
When I'd played guitar for 9 months I still couldn't sing a note right.
You really have vocal abilities.

You perform your song in a soft and quiet way. In my mind I can hear it being
sung a lot more powerful.

For me writing is basically therapy. Having fun just comes with it.
But that's just me.
 
Keep enjoying music! (and posting you songs)

Martin

[Darren1664]

Hi Elaine

This song has a lot of potential. I only say potential because, as already mentioned, your guitar work need a little practice. The lyrics and vocal melody are beautiful and you have a lovely voice. The song is a sad one but you deliver it really really well. Keep practicing and you WILL get there...and yes, good luck with the exams.

All the best

Darren