Freudian Slip

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SFX

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« on: April 13, 2017, 01:33:25 PM »
Would love your thoughts on my new lyrics :)

FREUDIAN SLIP

Body in rebellion, tongue starts to dance
They say the truth hurts given half a chance
It feels divine to hunt and stalk your prey
But this little red herring is running away
Can we just say what we mean?
Tongue twisters round the halo obscene
Fantasy only works with a push and pull
You be the cock and I’ll be the bull

Let it all out baby
I promise you’re safe with me
We can write any story we want
In any font
I’m your sickest confidante

And as this Freudian slip dances across my lips
I hate to admit; I find it hard to stick
To this story
I’m your allegory
And as this glimmer of hope slides through my throat
It’s time to choke on those life lessons never spoke
In this lifetime
The pleasure’s all mine


Leather stretched across lily flesh
The best feeling you ever could detest
If pain is pleasure, to suffer is to gain
And if you’re lucky you can feast on the remains
All these things on the tip of my tongue
Sadomasochism could never be so fun
Don’t stop until the red blood starts to run
Permanent scars are often the most fun

Let it all out baby
I promise you’re safe with me
We can write any story we want
In any font
I’m your sickest confidante

And as this Freudian slip dances across my lips
I can’t resist basking deep in the shift
Of this story
Submission tends to bore me
And as this lasso of doubt fires through my mouth
It pulls you close and that’s how the story flows
With no details to spare
I’m your nightmare
 
History is a set of lies agreed upon
Well you can write your own
Always be aware of what you’re running from
And you’ll be forever in control
Building like a house of cards
Illicit fountains laboured out of scars
You’ll always think you’re oh so tough
Until that one little slip up

And as this Freudian slip dances across my lips
I hate to admit; I find it hard to stick
To this story
I’m your allegory
« Last Edit: April 08, 2019, 01:21:53 AM by SFX »

finestrat

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« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2017, 02:16:11 PM »
 :o

Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.

Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it.  That's if it can be put to music

SFX

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« Reply #2 on: May 25, 2017, 05:17:56 PM »
:o

Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.

Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it.  That's if it can be put to music


That is an interesting idea!

Jackdaw

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« Reply #3 on: May 25, 2017, 07:48:23 PM »
:o

Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.

Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it.  That's if it can be put to music

My honest opinion???

Stay away from trying to be a budding Songwriter or Poet :-(

Writing books or electrifying exciting erotic short stories would maybe SERVE you better???

Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Ps...
As for 50 Shades?
All I can offer is a big HA HA.

Try reading REVELATIONS by Robina Jax.
« Last Edit: May 26, 2017, 10:46:38 AM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

SFX

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« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2017, 12:32:37 AM »
:o

Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.

Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it.  That's if it can be put to music

My honest opinion???

Stay away from trying to be a budding Songwriter or Poet :-(

Writing books or electrifying exciting erotic short stories would maybe SERVE you better???

Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Ps...
As for 50 Shades?
All I can offer is a big HA HA.

Try reading REVELATIONS by Robina Jax.
Twill soon be appearing within Bella Magazine.
You will find Jackdaw upon the Acknowledgements
Page of the said book.

:-)


LMAO i have a first degree in creative writing from poetry so thanks for the input lol

Jackdaw

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« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2017, 12:42:03 AM »
:o

Think that's the first lyrics I've ever read containing the word Sadomasochism, what does a sadomasochist do? beats me.

Your words are very clever maybe it would make a good soundtrack if there's a sequel to fifty shades, I can see a sultry James Bond type female singing it.  That's if it can be put to music

My honest opinion???

Stay away from trying to be a budding Songwriter or Poet :-(

Writing books or electrifying exciting erotic short stories would maybe SERVE you better???

Regards
Jackdaw1888 :-)

Ps...
As for 50 Shades?
All I can offer is a big HA HA.

Try reading REVELATIONS by Robina Jax.
Twill soon be appearing within Bella Magazine.
You will find Jackdaw upon the Acknowledgements
Page of the said book.

:-)


LMAO i have a first degree in creative writing from poetry so thanks for the input lol

Your degreeze mean nowt to meeze.

In fact, they are worthless bits of paper that even Edgar Allan Poe or Shakespeare would not even find worthy ... or indeed worthy of perusing?

Jackdaw1888 :-)
« Last Edit: May 26, 2017, 12:46:43 AM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Paulski

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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2017, 01:05:54 AM »
Hi SFX

For me, this was like drinking from a literary firehose.
Some wonderful poetry here (you should try it out on some of the poet forums).
I'm afraid I'd have to suggest you dumb them down a lot for a song though.
Remember a song is 3-4 mins. Can a listener process all these ideas in that length of time? I doubt it.
And remember your lyrical ideas will compete with musical ones as well.

Just my two cents worth - this is a great poem, man  ;D but song lyrics need a simple message/theme.

Paul

Gill

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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2017, 07:00:10 PM »
'bit savage there jackdaw  :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh

Jackdaw

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« Reply #8 on: May 29, 2017, 07:23:13 PM »
'bit savage there jackdaw  :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh

Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???

Jackdaw1888
« Last Edit: May 29, 2017, 07:38:50 PM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.

Gill

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« Reply #9 on: May 29, 2017, 08:22:05 PM »
'bit savage there jackdaw  :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh

Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???

Jackdaw1888

Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else  without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.

SFX

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« Reply #10 on: May 29, 2017, 08:51:27 PM »
i honestly just have to laugh  ;D

PaulyX

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« Reply #11 on: May 29, 2017, 09:52:55 PM »
Hi SFX
Thought there were some very strong lines in this...
"You be the cock and I'll be the bull"
"The best feeling you could ever detest"
"We can write any story we want, in any font"
... all felt like unusual, fresh and subversive plays-on-words to me.  I could imagine Prince coming up with those lines.
I'd have to agree with Paulski though that if you want it to be song not a poem it will be stronger if shorter.  For a song I felt there's just too many images going on so I got a bit overwhelmed by the end.  I felt if you went through and edited only keeping the lines you are most in love with, you'd have something strong here.
Cheers
Pauly
It's all too beautiful.

Gill

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« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2017, 10:56:12 PM »
i honestly just have to laugh  ;D

Hmmm, I have a feeling he can fight so ill leave it  :D

SFX

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« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2017, 11:05:24 PM »
i honestly just have to laugh  ;D

Hmmm, I have a feeling he can fight so ill leave it  :D

ooh im just terrified! :P

Jackdaw

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« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2017, 12:38:43 AM »
'bit savage there jackdaw  :-X I personally liked them (very poetic) and a lot better than I could do eh

Really???
Then this pathetic poet come laughable lyricist must be in the wrong place or obviously joined the wrong Forum???

Jackdaw1888

Remember we are all here to learn and take notes of other people opinions and critique. And although you can say whatever you feel about it, saying "pathetic poet" or telling him to do something else  without even offering constructive criticism is taking the pizz a 'bit.

Erm!!!
Excuse me.
But THIS pathetic poet etc etc was meant in reference to myself.
Not in any way towards the author or creator of the lyrics of the Song he or she has put upon this Forum?

Jackdaw1888

Oh ...
And by the by ...
I myself have no degrees :-(

Jackdaw1888
« Last Edit: May 30, 2017, 01:00:56 AM by Jackdaw »
The Road to Happiness leads nowhere.
Happiness is the Road itself.