[jamesh]

Hi All

This is the first time I've posted in the lyrics only section and although I have a tune for this, I've not had time to record it and Im still undecided on some of the words

I had some rare inspiration recently, so Im keen to know what works and what's cheesy!

Brackets and slashes indicate undecided words!

Thanks for your feedback

James


Fallen for you

I need/ed some time to my self,
a walk in the forest alone,
a stroll by a lake and I
Thought about all that we said
But what really happened
was mostly in my head.

Verse 2

A feeling like one of those dreams
As the sun rises it fades/goes
The distance between us grows
I held you for only one night,
It felt like you needed me then,
And I can't escape that feeling

Chorus

And if you should call me, from out of the blue
I hope that you to say that your (still) feeling it too
And I can't explain it, try as I might
The magic that flows in the river of night
as I've fallen for you, yes Ive fallen for you

Verse 3

I guess it's just one of those days
So much I want to say, but my stomach is churning
 so I will just leave it to chance
(But )the longer I keep it inside,
 the further away you become

Chorus 2

I've often/sometimes wonder how it plays out
The girl from the past and the boy full of doubt
You fill my head when I turn out the lights/close my eyes
My thoughts are like shadows
(that dance) in the (darkness of )night
And I fallen for you, yes Ive fallen for you

Instrumental

Chorus 3

I know when I see you, you'll light up the room
You don't even know what you've done to this fool
And don't make a deal with one of those clowns
(Cos)I just can't bare to see them around
As I've fallen for you, yes Ive fallen for you

[CaliaMoko]

Some thoughts....

I need/ed some time to my self,
a walk in the forest alone,
a stroll by a lake and I
Thought about all that we said
But what really happened
was mostly in my head.

If you're sticking with "Thought about all that we said", you need to go with "needed" in the first line. Otherwise you're operating in both the present and the past at the same time. If you use "need", you're implying you need the time to yourself but you haven't gotten it yet. While "thought about all that we said" means it already happened.

As the sun rises it fades/goes

"Fades" sounds better to me. I note there's a "goes / grows" rhyme, but it feels like an accidental rhyme, as you don't seem to have any rhyme scheme going on, really, so I don't think that matters.

I hope that you to say that you're (still) feeling it too

I would leave out the "still", as you haven't actually established that she had a feeling that could be said to be still going on. She may have...and you say you felt like she had, but you haven't shown that she confirmed that feeling at all.

And, "I hope that you to say" Something must be missing there. "I hope that you WANTED to say"?? "I hope that you TRIED to say"?? "I hope you INTENDED to say"??

(But) the longer I keep it inside,

I think you need something there. If not "but", perhaps "Though" would work. Or "Still,". "Though" might be a problem as it causes two "th" words in a row, which sometimes isn't so nice for singing.

I've often/sometimes wonder how it plays out

This would either be "I've often wondered" or "I sometimes wonder". I prefer the second option; it has a cleaner sound to it.

My thoughts are like shadows
(that dance) in the (darkness of) night

I don't understand what you're going for here, so I have no recommendations.

(Cos) I just can't bare bear to see them around

I usually figure: when in doubt, leave it out. So I'd probably drop the "Cos".

Miscellaneous thought--you have a kind of hit or miss, random rhyme scheme. In my opinion, it's better to have no rhyme scheme at all, because an inconsistent rhyme scheme gives me the impression that you want to have a rhyme scheme but you're having too much trouble making it work.

Everything here, of course, is merely my opinions based on whatever is going on in my brain, so take from my thoughts what works for you (if anything) and ignore the rest.

Hope I've been at least a tiny bit helpful.

Vicki

[jamesh]

Thanks Vicki

Really useful feedback as usual. Getting the tenses correct can be an afterthought for me! and my analagy (or is that a simile) of "thoughts dancing like shadows in the night" was purely experimental, so maybe Ill work on that too!

James

[diademgrove]

Hi James,


I'll try not to repeat anything Vicki has said.

I'm not keen on the number of "ands" you use. I generally prefer more direct lines, especially if the "and" falls on a strong beat.

The chorus is strong and works for me with the exception of the two ands and the that in the second line. As I've said its just my personal view.

In the first verse after stroll by the lake you might consider replacing "I thought" with "to think". Not sure why but it sounds less awkward in my head.

I like the image of the dancing shadows. To me it shows you thinking about her makes you happy and excited.

Mostly minor points so feel free to take what you want from my thoughts, if anything. Looking forward to hearing the song.

[Rosie1991]

I  quite like this , so keep going