[hardtwistmusic]

This is an old instrumental that I wrote "on commission" for someone else.  The amount of the "commission" was Zero btw.  But it was a pretty piece of music, and I finally got around to writing lyrics to finish it.  

Hardest thing with this lyric is what to call it.  "Yesterday" is out of the question, as is "yesterday once more."  Both are already taken.  I'm totally open to suggestions about the title and the lyrics.

        Yesterday When You Still Loved Me.  

I’ll hide inside a holy church to wash away my sin.  
Maybe God can find a way to help me feel alright again.  
Sprinkle me with holy water.  Cleanse My soul I pray.  
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.  

Yesterday when you still loved me, not long ago before.  
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.  
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?  

Take me to the ocean blue to wash away my pain.  
Find a storm where I can stand beneath the cleansing rain.  
Point me toward a waterfall.  I’ll stand beneath the spray.  
But never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.  

Yesterday when you still loved me, not long ago before.  
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.  
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?  

I never felt such guilt before.  I never dreamed I could.  
Cause once my life was like a script straight out of hollywood.  
But then I ruined everything, and guilt’s the price I’ll pay.  
And never again will I feel as clean as I felt yesterday.  

As I felt yesterday.  

[CaliaMoko]

Hardest thing with this lyric is what to call it.  "Yesterday" is out of the question, as is "yesterday once more."  Both are already taken.  I'm totally open to suggestions about the title and the lyrics.

As you know, titles can be used over and over on any number of different songs, but I do understand why you wouldn't want to use "Yesterday"--that one's too iconic. "Yesterday Once More" is less so, but I agree it would be nice to come up with something more original. I actually like the one you have: "Yesterday When You Still Loved Me". Incidentally, you missed another good one that's already been used: "The Way We Were".  And another idea might be "The Way We Were Before".

On to the lyric itself.

I’ll hide inside a holy church to wash away my sin.  
Maybe God can find a way to feel alright again.

 As written, that second line actually means maybe God can find a way for himself to feel all right again. I know no one will misunderstand the meaning, but I believe it's always better if it can be written so it really says exactly what it means. I think it makes it stronger.

Maybe something like "Where God can find a way to make me feel all right again" ?? Or "So God can find a way..." And depending on how your melody works, you might even be able to alter it to say, "Maybe God can find a way to make me feel all right again."

Yesterday when you still loved me, not long ago before.  
Looking for my will to live since you walked out that door.  
Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?

Why? Well, actually the protagonist knows why they can't go back to be the way they were before. S/he screwed up, that's why. So, in my opinion, s/he isn't going to be asking that question, as it's all too painfully and already obvious. I suggest considering something more like, "If only we could go back to be the way we were before!" The rhythm isn't quite right, though. How about, "I wish that we could go back to the way we were before" or "If only we could go back to the way we were before" ??

Those are the issues that I noticed. If anything is helpful, great! If not, no worries.  I think this is an original and creative approach to a common theme. Nice work!

Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

As you know, titles can be used over and over on any number of different songs, but I do understand why you wouldn't want to use "Yesterday"--that one's too iconic. "Yesterday Once More" is less so, but I agree it would be nice to come up with something more original. I actually like the one you have: "Yesterday When You Still Loved Me". \

Why can’t we go back and be the way we were before?[/b]

Why? Well, actually the protagonist knows why they can't go back to be the way they were before. S/he screwed up, that's why. So, in my opinion, s/he isn't going to be asking that question, as it's all too painfully and already obvious. I suggest considering something more like, "If only we could go back to be the way we were before!" The rhythm isn't quite right, though. How about, "I wish that we could go back to the way we were before" or "If only we could go back to the way we were before" ??

[/quote]

I changed the unclear line using your suggestion. 

Regarding the title, I felt it was just a bit too long. . . but it helps that you liked it.  I also am considering the title "Never Again."  Please let me know what you think. 

Regarding the "why can't we?" question.  I perceived it (as I wrote it) as a rhetorical question expressing his/her "longing" for "the way we were before."  I changed one of the choruses to help clarify it.  Again. . . let me know what you think. 

This will be in "works in progress" within a few days.  It's probably best for you to see how it sounds before responding to these questions. Thanks in advance.

[hardtwistmusic]

Just posted this to the Works in Progress section.  Would love feedback on the completed (but not fine tuned) song. Thanks in advance.