[LifeIsAMinefield]

I've been writing lyrics for a little while, but never has the courage to post this them.

This song I realised sounded a lot like The View from the Afternoon by the Arctic Monkeys, so listen to that for an idea. Not only that, but people tell me my voice sounds like Alex Turner's; some of the rhymes in this song may not sound like they​ work but do when sung in my accent.

It's still quite rough, so I'd like some advice about general improvements. I've already got the music in mind.

You always win when you bribe the doctor,
You only lost when you tried 'n' unlocked her heart.
No thanks to all past experiences
You can't stand watching movie kisses.
You never seem sure of where you can start.

Bleeding out the nights, you put on
A mask that allowed them to condone
All your selfish acts you did
That paved your road to the Leonids
And now sitting on the coach to heaven
You just complain the seats aren't leather.
You just complain 'bout the awful weather.
You just complain the seats aren't leather.

"You always, always win
There's​ nothing, nope, nothin'
I can even hope to try and do
To start making it up to you."
You never seem to lose
Even under heavy booze
You say to her "Don't you dare
Even think of going there."
(But where's there?)

Every little thing you held,
Every tiny thing she smelled
Screams of everything you did.
Everything you did commits
Another day to the dumping ground is
Where every speck of love's compounded.
Where every speck of love's compounded.
Where every speck of loves' compound is.

Bleeding out the nights, alone
You wear a mask that said "Condone
All my selfish acts I do
That pave our roads to me and you,"
And now sitting on the coach to hell
You just complain you don't feel well.
You just complain your legs are swelled.
You just complain you don't feel well.

Sunny, summer sun ripe wine:
The only thing that can define
What you feel, though you can't afford it.
Sunny summer sun ripe wine:
The single thing that you can find.
The problem is you think it tastes morbid.
Breezy, sweaty Mexican Coke;
Your sleazy medicine provokes
Your inner, darker, kind of thoughts.
Stop a moment, have a pause.

A minute​ of silence for irony;
Forgot how we got here, the tyranny.
Beat our heads against a wall
Afterwards we feel three metres tall
But you, it leaves your head swimming
Blood gushes in there, have some aspirin.
I know it won't stop the bleeding
But it'll make it worse.
Some time you need to lose
You need to leave here in a hearse
Or a bodybag.

"You always, always win
There's​ nothing, nope, nothin'
I can even hope to try and do
To start making it up to you."

[Martinswede]

Hi LifeIsAMinefield!

My first advice is that you reply on some threads to get
members more motivated to reply on yours.

That aside, lyrics are hard to evaluate. It's like looking at half a
picture.

My first impression is that it's too long. Impression, not opinion.
Many times more isn't making it a better lyrics. Quite the contrary.
I don't know how you work with your lyrics. Do you simply write them?
That seems the case. Finding threads and hidden meanings is just as
important as coming up with a story. There's also the part of letting
the music do the talking.

So general improvements:
* Read, not sing, your lyrics and find the basic plot.
* Mark the ten lines you think are the strongest.
* Find if they fit together to form verse themes.
* If there is a defined chorus and it's longer than six lines shorten it down.
* Decide how the chronology and perspective of your song should be.
* See if the verse connects to the chorus or if a bridge is needed.
* Work hard on the chorus. It is the most memorable part of your song.

Do a rough take of your song and post in WiP
when you've shortened it down a bit.

Cheers,

Martin

[Marrianna]

Hi,
I agree with the above and think that, although good words, there are too many. why not try to shorten it by either saying some things in a more concise way or be brave and cut some out completely.
Keep the most important words you like, and put the others aside, perhaps for another song.
Good writing though, in my opinion.
Marrianna

[Darren1664]

Hey pal

I like the lyrics. They are well written and although they are long I think if you are singing fairly fast (as Arctic Monkey's do) I can imagine that they'd flow very nicely to the music. It'd would be nice to hear them to music to get an idea of the rhythm. I can hear the chorus in this section

You just complain the seats aren't leather.
You just complain 'bout the awful weather.
You just complain the seats aren't leather.

If so I like how you change the words from chorus to chorus. Nothing wrong in that in my opinion.

I say to do a rough take of the song and post for review.

All the best

Darren

[JonDavies]

I read this in a northern accent and enjoyed the rhyming

I agree with previous posters that the lyrics are very long, although it might work if you're singing fast - there also isn't enough of a lyrical hook in my opinion to really stick in people's minds.

Maybe try chopping some of it out and putting the lines into a bank to use in other songs, because they're good lines, especially

"Beat our heads against a wall
Afterwards we feel three metres tall
But you, it leaves your head swimming
Blood gushes in there, have some aspirin."

Good lines here, just think it needs a trim

[LifeIsAMinefield]

Hi, and I'm pleasantly surprised that I received so many opinions!

On the length: I imagined this one as being very rapidly sung, almost approaching rapping but, obviously, with pitch and while actually singing. In hindsight, however, I feel this wouldn't work so well... I'm not sure why.

As for hidden meaning, I wrote this knowing it was very thin. On the surface it's about a guy who's good at everything but romance, and underneath I was kind of ranting about and comparing sore losers and whiny losers, but I think that meaning got lost pretty quick on the writing process. But I do think at least a little about premise and meaning before writing.
I just went abroad which is why I took a while to respond to the responses, and I won't be able to do any recording for a while (oh, and my mic broke), but I'm kind of addicted to writing right now. Maybe insect repellent also works as writer's block repellent...