[Martinswede]

Hi!

This is a very basic recording of my new song
'You've got to run'. I did 18 takes with piano
but it didn't work. My intention is that I replace
the guitar with piano when I do this properly.

So, feel free to comment.

Cheers,

Martin

Contains swearing

https://soundcloud.com/martin-jarnevi/yove-got-to-run


You've got to run

I'm not sure that I want to
But it's all up to you now
I didn't get this far by acting
I gave it an honest try
So while the sun's still up
I'll sing you a sweet good bye
Terribly sorry
That I couldn't stand idly by

You've got to run
You've got to run
You've got to hide
Hide what's inside
Because its golden
Because it's true

So then I'm alone again
Without a single clue
A part of me feel like drowning
A part of me wants to pull through
I ask my self why I'm trying
No one gives a f**k
Oh but I stand up instead of laying down dying
Though I ran out of luck

You've got to run
You've got to run
You've got to hide
Hide what's inside
Because its golden
Because it's you

[CaliaMoko]

First a couple recommendations on the lyric:
So then I'm alone again
Without a single clue This line feels weak to me, but I haven't thought of anything better yet
A part of me feels like drowning NOTE: I added an "s" onto "feel" to make it grammatically correct
A part of me wants to pull through
I ask my self why I'm trying
No one gives a f**k
Oh but I stand up instead of laying lying down dying
Though I ran out of luck I don't get this line, exactly. Using "luck" for the rhyming word feels like a stretch to me. There are a lot of possible rhymes and near rhymes...struck, stuck, pluck, muck, drunk, flunk, brusque, destruct, to mention a few. A near rhyme would be a good choice for this theme, too.

I usually use rhymezone.com to look for rhymes and near rhymes. There's probably a lot of good ideas for the "clue" line, too.

Of course, if it says exactly what you want already, just ignore me.

Listening...the only thing I noticed was how hard it was to cram all the words of this line (Oh but I stand up instead of laying down dying) into their proper place. I think the problem was mainly lack of polish, though. Once you get it down good, it should work okay. I think.

Vicki

[Martinswede]

Hi Vicki!

Thank you for your sincere input!

I used feels in the beginning but changed to feel to refer to
the desire to drown not the sensation of drowning. I'm sure you
know English better than me but what I mean is 'I feel like
drowning' not 'it feels like I'm drowning'.

Clue and luck. I've checked rhymezone a few times but not this one.
I'll see what I might find there.

Yes polishing. I recorded this take to send it as a song idea
to a friend and decided to post it here as well. WiP is such a
good place to share basic ideas at.

Thank you

Martin

[CaliaMoko]

I used feels in the beginning but changed to feel to refer to the desire to drown not the sensation of drowning. I'm sure you know English better than me but what I mean is 'I feel like drowning' not 'it feels like I'm drowning'.

I took it the right way, I think. I understand "A part of me feels like drowning" to mean "A part of me feels like it wants to drown". You would use "feel" if you used a simple sentence like "I feel like drowning", but when you say "A part of me feels like drowning", you need "feels".

To say "it feels like I am drowning":
I feel like I am drowning
or
A part of me feels like I am drowning

To say "I feel like going and drowning myself":
I feel like drowning
or
A part of me feels like drowning

If you wanted to make it even more clear, you could consider rewriting that bit a little. For instance:
A part of me just wants to drown
A part of me wants to pull through

Just another idea... Can you tell I really like messing with words...?? 

Vicki

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

I think you need to resolve some of the ends of the lines....I know that is the conventional, boring way and you might not want to do it but in my opinion it needs it. Ending everything on the Em has the effect of making the song just one continuous...er...thing for want of a better word! Coming back to the G....maybe at the ends of the verses...maybe ends of line 4 and 8 or even 2 and 6 or 2,4,6 and 8...and at end of chorus...at least somewhere(!) will have the effect of breaking the song up into more readily identifiable parts. I think it needs it.

During your short interlude at about 2.50 you do a descending bass run on the G down to Em. This would be nice in the chorus maybe instead of going straight to the Em for a repeat of the 'Because it's golden because it's true' I'd repeat those 2 lines in every chorus as well to cement the idea. Maybe call it 'Because it's Golden' too or just 'Golden'......'You've got to run' is OK but a bit straight and unmemorable....

I could hear the melody going right up on 'golden' too..sort of 3 syllables like go-old-en with it going right up on the second syllable and back down again on the third...almost a yodel! Or some backing harmony there instead.

With this kinda down beat melody the song cries out for a bridge to break it up too.

Just some thoughts to be going on with!

[Martinswede]

Hi Cramer!

Thank you for your reply!
This is the kind of input I couldn't get anywhere else.
This forum is great!

Yes it needs a bit spicing and seasoning in the chord progressions.
I've added a D with the Em in the verse and I might even go so far as
G,D for a cadence feel. I'm at the moment learning piano and rehearsed this
song on it so more chords changes wasn't my first priority.

I thought about 'Golden' as a title and still do. When I started writing the
verse it sounded a lot like The Bands song 'Stage Fright' and I thought
'You've got to run' suited a beer joint rock ballad more than 'Golden' but
then I started playing it on piano and the sound changed a lot.

Thanks again,

Martin

[Ramshackles]

Hey
My 2 cents..
I would explore different rhythms and arrangements for the guitar. IMO the chord sequence and melody are fairly familiar/predictable and could be improved with a slightly different meter or perhaps the guitar picking up some melody in the pauses between lines?
You mentioned playing it on piano...Id try recording a piano version, maybe with a more arpeggiated accompaniment

[Martinswede]

Hi Ramshackles!

Thank you for your input!

Different ideas are flying in my head.
At the moment I can agree that the song goes from
A to B with not much in between. I've recently started
to grasp a bigger picture when it comes to arranging.
Fills, melodic lines, bass lines and in between-chords. All
that I learned on a theoretical level when I studied
musicology. Now I have finally found a way to use it.
I just have to start. I've been so focused on writing
that the recordings I've made have mostly been 
for memory's sake.

At the moment I'm thinking finger picked guitar and electric
fills for the verse. Piano and electric for the chorus.
I just have to find the time to record it.

Thank you all for your input! It has given me not only
grammatical corrections but a bigger perspective of
how to arrange and also write songs. I'm really looking
forward to the holidays where I might get the time
to do some hard work with this song. 
(Is it only me or does the smiley look a bit grumpy?)

Martin

[Cazrolina]

I think there's some really good things here, and lots of potential. Viscount made some great suggestions.
But I imagined the g being dropped from the verse almost completely.

2:46 to 2:52 would be a lovely intro.

NB  I wish could explain better what I imagined, as my "musicology" and music terminology knowledge is basic. (I just googled fills, haha) I play by ear really. - actually I'm going to pm this next bit so nobody takes the p*ss... lol

At the last word true in the chorus, perhaps in comes that lovely "bass roll" again g to em, could repeat it twice even.

Cx
 

[Martinswede]

Hi Caz!

Thank you for your input and memo!

I've incorporated the
C                         G    D                      Em
'While the suns still up I sing you a sweet goodbye'
'I ask my self why I'm trying, no one gives a f**K'
part. I guess that's how you meant. If not at least
it works. It softens things up a bit.

I use the G D/F# G part in a lot of songs and I don't want
to over use it. In fact I'm thinking of posting one of those
songs called 'Old habits' which work a round that chord sequence
and I've already posted 'Say It' that only uses those chords.
But it's a lovely chord progression and I'll use it again and again.

I most of all look forward to finish this song.

Cheers,
Martin

[Darren1664]

Ahhhh the music to the lyrics. Thanks for posting this Martin. Some excellent pointers above and nothing more for me to add. I did pick up my guitar to start noodling while I was listening and it is a nice chord progression to play over. It's funny how the same chords but with a slightly different rhythm and vocal melody make for a whole new song. Keep them coming nice tune

All the best
Darren

[Martinswede]

Thank you Darren!

After years of writing I've found out just the same thing.
A song is always open to interpretation. I've never had
the pleasure of hearing a cover of one of my own songs
but when I once in a while do one I see so many open
doors.

Also the capo or transposition button can be a friend.
(This might not be completely theoretically correct!)
I sometimes change the key a big step, say five 1/2 steps, and start
on the same note. If the song goes in good old A minor
and starts on A, I might play it in D minor and still start on A.
Most of the melody will be the same (only B becomes Bb)
but the mode has changed and also the feeling of the song.

The same can of course be done keeping the key and changing the
starting tone eg C instead of A. This is a more radical move since
the steps in the scale will be different but sometimes it opens
one of those doors to inspiration.

Working with a song can be at least half as fun a writing it, if not
more. I bet arranging with a band, I've never been a band leader
I've just played lead, is just as fun. Tom Waits said something like
'Music is the most beautiful thing you can do with air' and I can
only agree. There is poetry, yes, but a song does so much more
when it comes to translating the wordless whispers that are our
thoughts our heart and our soul.

Martin

[Paulski]

Hi Martin

Not much to offer I'm afraid.
You've had some good advice by better folks than me
Just wanted to say I liked the song and your voice.
Just needs a more custom arrangement which I'm sure you'll arrive at soon

cheers
Paul

[Binladeda]

 Hi

 Nice song.  Like the vocal and melody
 very much.  I think you're right substituting
 piano for gtr. would give more power to the
 solo performance. I think the song lacks a
 bit of 'body' as it is, the piano would sort that.

 Good work.  Look forward to hearing the piano
 version 


 

[Martinswede]

Thank you Pan and Bin!

- Martin