[Ramadean]

Hi all,
This is my first upload, a song about indigenous people and animals being washed away from their home land by big corporations that keep destroying our nature. I need to retake the vocal in a proper studio, put in back vocal and harmonies plus bass in the music. Need your feedback particularly on my lyric.

Link:   

Lyric:
This Song For You

It takes some time for me to realize
Everything that I see
When there’s no left our own right to stand on the ground
Being washed away from where we belong
Is that easy for you to break and burn
Everything that you see
For the reason in fulfilling your own desire
Never thought we deserve the air that we share

Can you see it how pretty those colors with breeze
Silent voices from the young still learn how to sing
Can you feel how refreshing the fragrance with mist
That is where we share laughter with friends everyday
It takes a lifetime to get there and it’s gone in a night
Can you hear me, this is sad song, I sing it for you

So that was our home dear
Where our mom and dad met
Plan the future for us
It’s just a memory now

If you ever believe there is faith
In everything that we do
We are the one open the path leading to our lives
For god or for bad it is in our hands

[Martinswede]

Hi Ramadean!

This is a strong subject to write a song about.

The lyrics are powerful but sometimes it seems they
are a bit too detailed. My suggestion is that you find
the key phrases like
'Silent voices from the young still learn how to sing'
and build on them.

In general I think your song is a bit long. 3:30 would
fit better. I suggest you shorten down the verses a bit
and make the chorus half as long.

As I said you have a strong subject but sometimes less
is more. This is hard work I know but lyrics and poems
don't work in the same way as spoken language. They
are very different.

Keep working on your song and post your progress.

- Martin

[Ramadean]

Thank you Martin,
I know the subject is quite strong. But that kind of subject I choose in almost every song I write to pass the message. My island is suffering too because of those big cooperation's projects and we need to say something about it. If not us who else? Don't wait until everything is gone. We lost almost every spring water we used to have in my village when I was a kid because of the property project. I have a sea turtle conservation too (it self-funded) to protect our sea turtles. Music is just a way for me to show support because we have no big power against those people.

Anyway thanks again for the review.
Talk soon.

[PaulyX]

Hey Ramadean, this sounds like a song with a good cause.  The production feels like it could be "very epic".  You wanted some feedback on the lyrics - although your English is very clear, I'm guessing you're not a native English speaker so if it is useful, I've been in and just tidied up a couple of places where the English was slightly unnatural - in bold below.  Good luck with it.

This Song For You

It takes some time for me to realize
Everything that I see
When there’s nothing left, our own right to stand on the ground
Being washed away from where we belong
Is that easy for you to break and burn
Everything that you see
For the reason in fulfilling your own desire
Never thought we deserve the air that we share

Can you see how pretty those colors are in the breeze
Silent voices from the young still learn how to sing
Can you feel how refreshing the fragrance is in the mist
That is where we share laughter with friends everyday
It takes a lifetime to get there and it’s gone in a night
Can you hear me, this is a sad song, I sing it for you

So that was our home dear
Where our mom and dad met
Planned the future for us
It’s just a memory now

If you ever believe there is faith
In everything that we do
We are the ones to open the path leading to our lives
For good or for bad it is in our hands