[Martinswede]

Hi!

This is my first draft for these lyrics.

Contains a very bad word.

This lyric is about a friendship ending and how it can affect a person
who is already in a bad place.

I've already composed music to it but I'm not 100% sure these are
the final lyrics so I can record it.

You've got to run

I'm not sure that I want to
but it's all up to you now
I didn't come get this far by acting
I gave it an honest try
So while the sun's still up
I'll sing you a sweet good bye
Terribly sorry
that I couldn't stand idly by

You've got to run,
you've got to run
You've got to hide
Hide what's inside
Because its golden
Because it's true

So then I'm alone again
Without a single clue
A part of me feels like drowning
A part of me wants to pull through
I ask my self why I'm trying
no one gives a f**k
Oh but I stand up instead of laying down dying   -   Yes a whole lot of syllables
that's just my luck though I ran out of luck

You've got to run,
you've got to run
You've got to hide
Hide what's inside
Because its golden
Because it's you

Cheers,

Martin

[Darren1664]

Hi Martin

These are good lyrics. The chorus has a real nice flow to it, I like it. Is the first verse from the perspective of the friend not in the bad place and verse two from the friend that is in the bad place? That's how I took it and I like the symmetry of that.

It is hard to comment on word choices without the music as I know when sung the words probably fit nice a snug into the music as they are. Although there is the one line with a lot of syllables I suspect when you sing it it rolls of the tongue nicely

My only comment is on the line 'Just my luck' as this tend (to me) to assume that you have bad luck, but the line before 'Oh but I stand up instead of laying down dying' suggests something positive, like you have fight and strength inside you. Maybe I have misunderstood. Not sure what to suggest as alternatives as not a lot choice to rhyme with the f word Stuck/Unstuck maybe...I dunno

Good words though mate! I look forward to hearing them sung

Darren

[Martinswede]

Hi Darren!

Thank you for your constructive criticism!

The luck thing refers to, and yes rhyming gets a bit limited
that rhyme is kind of stolen/borrowed from Wilcos song 'Ashes
of American flags', an inner conflict. It will always be easier to
just give up but something inside fights to stay alive even though
continuing is painful.

I might have described the perspective thing a bit unclear.
Both verses are from the same perspective. The I is the same
in both verses. A person who is in a bad place and gets deserted
by a good friend whom he needs in this difficult time of life.
I hope I made it clearer.

Cheers,

Martin

[Mike67]

So then I'm alone again
Without a single clue
A part of me feels like drowning
A part of me wants to pull through
I ask my self why I'm trying
no one gives a f**k
Oh but I stand up instead of laying down dying   -   Yes a whole lot of syllables
that's just my luck though I ran out of luck

This is great Martin. Lots of syllables, yes, and they may work with the melody, but you could drop the "up", which isn't needed and may help the flow.

Great work. Not too overplayed, but to the point.

Mike

[diademgrove]

Hi Martin,

I really like the chorus. I hear it as the third person "you've" is the singer not the person being sang to. The only small problem I have is the song suggests you've made up your mind to end the relationship but second line suggests other wise. I think the words are stronger with the singer leaving and being in as terrible place. I think changing the "all" into "not" makes the lyrics and the message stronger.

If you disagree feel free to ignore me.

Keith

[Martinswede]

Hi Keith!

I see it as the I and the You stay the same through the whole
of the song. At least that was my intention.
Yes, it might be seen as a third person view upon the situation.
'You've got to run' is strongly linked to 'You've got to hide'
both tells that the situation has become unbearable.
'Hide whats inside' tells a bit of why. 

I guess I made nothing clearer,

Martin

[Darren1664]

Hi Martin

Thanks for explain and yes it is clearer to me now. I have re read and I like the changes you have made. A good suggestion from Mike67 with dropping the up! Well done for working out the kinks nice set of lyrics you have there!!

Thanks
Darren

[JonDavies]

I like the changes you've made already

As I was singing the chorus in my head I had the urge to fill the two bars after the last line with "oooooh" sounds to complete the 8... Dunno if this is something you've considered.

"Oh but I stand up instead of laying down dying" I read this as "Oh but I stand up 'stead of laying down dying" to cut down on the syllables... You say you already have music so I'm sure this line isn't a problem, just how I read it

I like the message of the song, these lines in particular

"So while the sun's still up
I'll sing you a sweet good bye
Terribly sorry
that I couldn't stand idly by"

[Martinswede]

Hi!

I'm locking this one since I have a WiP thread going.
Thank you for your replies!

Here's the link to the WiP thread:

http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=13010.0

Martin