[rightly]

There's an open mic venue in the city where I live and it's the best around in regards to sound and audience.
There's constant flux of tourists ' new faces that go there.
There are three moderators of different temperaments.
None of them are very professional, one of them I sort of get along with.

The other artists that go there hang out in little gangs.
Nothing brings people together more than them having a common enemy.
I haven't the social graces that are expected (i.e. sucking up, dissing down).

As I don't like little gangs it can be difficult not to become that enemy. lol.
Whatever, but when this interferes with my performce, I get bothered.

I guess in a sullen moment I wrote this to play there, should the mood take me.

It's almost ready.

I'd appreciate some feedback. (is it evil?)



not if I should see you first


    a good axe, a fine form and a full house

  can you dig this scene of clockwork clowns?

    little hierarchies 'mongst the mediocre

 I'm all too often hit when this stuff comes down

        watch that river running in reverse

 you will not see me, not if I should see you first
 
                            -

  the brothel basement, walled in, tortured soul

      blind to beauty from pillar to post

sings like a cowboy, never once saw a horse

'standing in what looks like bordelaise sauce

should you think that it could get no worse

  you don't phase me, not in any universe

                               -

         walk barefoot n' I've  got dirty feet

                 like any sailor far away from sea
        
                               -

  with a little love, what is there to lose?

      no one going nowhere no time soon

    inane skeletons, all poised for conquest

     n' falling nothing short of the burlesque

         over-hyped, deluded amateurs

we'll step outside, I'll take anything that hurts

                                -

            watching the river run in reverse

         you will not see me, not if I should see you first

___________________________________________________________

                         Rightly

[CaliaMoko]

I don't get everything you wrote, but I suspect it all has meaning for you. I do have two suggestions that may tighten it up slightly, if they will work with your melody and rhythm.

First one:
should you think that it could get no worse

Second one:
you will you'll not see me, not if I should see you first
OR "you'll not see me if I see you first"

Sounds like a good frustration reliever.   I wonder whether anyone in the audience would even notice it's about them!

Vicki

[PaulAds]

This is the shit, Rightly!

I absolutely love it. Properly blew me away.

The unwelcome outsider...tolerated with a woefully transparent charade of good grace...biting his lip and suffering their drivel until he can take no more of it.

Wish I lived local...I'd have popped in for a pint and - should it prove necessary - shed some blood for your cause.

My favourite lyric this year. Possibly ever 

You radgie bastard 

[Paulski]

Hey rightly +1 on what paulads said 
This has all the obscurity of avant guarde using all the tricks of a pro lyric writer.
You frame the hook perfectly, get to it fast, and stay true to it.
Lovely near rhymes and interesting rhythmic variations.
Abound with assonance and intrigue.
My favourite line:

no one going nowhere no time soon

This is a masterpiece to behold!

Paul

[Mike67]

Hi Rightly,

Not too evil.  I lived in Liverpool for a number of years, where there's a big music scene, mainly very good musicians when it comes to covers, but very average song-writers.  They play the open mic evenings in small bars like they're playing arenas, and they encourage each other to believe the myth.  Little fish in a big bubble!

Your lyric chimes and actually made me laugh - "sings like a cowboy, never once saw a horse, 'standing in what looks like bordelaise sauce" is great.  Loved it and wouldn't change a thing.

Mike

[lillypilly]

No it is certainly not evil it is very clever and in ya face and read very well, a few changes that Vicki mentioned would tidy this little piece of magic

inane skeletons all poised for conquest
over hyped deluded amateurs

The two lines up to MY way of reading did not need the commas

Lilly

[rightly]

Hi Rightly,

Not too evil.  I lived in Liverpool for a number of years, where there's a big music scene, mainly very good musicians when it comes to covers, but very average song-writers.  They play the open mic evenings in small bars like they're playing arenas, and they encourage each other to believe the myth.  Little fish in a big bubble!

Your lyric chimes and actually made me laugh - "sings like a cowboy, never once saw a horse, 'standing in what looks like bordelaise sauce" is great.  Loved it and wouldn't change a thing.

Mike

Thanks Mike!
lol. you understand completely.

I've seen artists play a couple of songs in a bar, empty, apart from a couple of worried, drunken bums who don't have the strength to sit.
A deluded artist might still address the emptiness and give there opinions like a public sevice announcement, then they'll continue fumbling through chords, singing about the time they almost got laid.

I played once in my hometown, Manchester. There was so much fake arrogance, à la "wonderwall".
Some didn't like me doing original material.
One drunken lout announced he was going to kill me and was too easily persuaded by his friends to change his mind .
A girl frowned and told me I should be on the xfactor. I left soon thereafter.

I did enjoy the evening though.

[rightly]

This is the shit, Rightly!

I absolutely love it. Properly blew me away.

The unwelcome outsider...tolerated with a woefully transparent charade of good grace...biting his lip and suffering their drivel until he can take no more of it.

Wish I lived local...I'd have popped in for a pint and - should it prove necessary - shed some blood for your cause.

My favourite lyric this year. Possibly ever 

You radgie bastard 

Thanks PaulAds.

I think I might have been subconciously busy with this for quite a while but pen to paper, including the chords didn't take 2 hours.
I guess you know what it's like, some songs just seem to take care of themselves.

your post here, made my day. 

[JonDavies]

"sings like a cowboy, never once saw a horse"
This line makes me incredibly happy - one pet peeve I have is people changing their accents when they sing

Even the parts I don't fully understand seem like they've been placed there for a reason, I don't feel like I can really add anything to this

Good stuff