[FlatRabbit]

Hi All, I read the other thread about serious lyrics, I guess this is one... if you can imagine it's someone in a funk about what they've done with their life, looking at what's happened, looking at their pre-conceptions, how they view life - and having an internal conversation about it all... In terms of the salt shaper bit, that's supposed to add something elemental to it... I'm not sure why, but I felt I needed to have it there... and because I just quite like the sound it makes... The chorus is meant to say that life is not pre-determined, you operate within the context that you have made, it's ultimately what you make of it [and ergo, you can change it]. Anyhoo, blurb'd on too long...

I know I've probably committed a few crimes here [is it really bad to start off with "And"??], any suggestions / views most gratefully received.

Thanks,

John
========================================

Verse 1
And so I've come to pay the price
For what was given without a price
For what we casually abuse
Turn into something to be used

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper
Time taker

Verse 2
And in our starry starry nights
where eager hearts spin on the knife
we raise ourselves into the night
in search of loves eternal light

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper
Dream changer

Chorus
There are no lines to read between
There are no spaces in-between
This is our machine, this is what we made
And this is how it works:

Verse 3
Life intertwining love and fear
We shade our eyes from old ideals
And taking memories to task,
maintain a policy of tears

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper,
Dream chaser

Verse 4
Is this our measure, is this our truth?
Is this the life we bought into?
This is the hegemony we own:
so hard, so effortlessly alone.

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper,
Soul taker

Chorus
There are no lines to read between
There are no spaces in-between
This is our machine, this is what we made
and this is how it works

[this bit would be sung to fade out in the various iterations]
Salt shaper / taker ; time shaper / taker
Dream changer / chaser; Soul shaper / taker /maker;
Bond breaker

[Darren1664]

Hi All, I read the other thread about serious lyrics, I guess this is one... if you can imagine it's someone in a funk about what they've done with their life, looking at what's happened, looking at their pre-conceptions, how they view life - and having an internal conversation about it all... In terms of the salt shaper bit, that's supposed to add something elemental to it... I'm not sure why, but I felt I needed to have it there... and because I just quite like the sound it makes... The chorus is meant to say that life is not pre-determined, you operate within the context that you have made, it's ultimately what you make of it [and ergo, you can change it]. Anyhoo, blurb'd on too long...

I know I've probably committed a few crimes here [is it really bad to start off with "And"??], any suggestions / views most gratefully received.

Thanks,

John
========================================

Verse 1
And so I've come to pay the price
For what was given without a price
For what we casually abuse
Turn into something to be used

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper
Time taker

Verse 2
And in our starry starry nights
where eager hearts spin on the knife
we raise ourselves into the night
in search of loves eternal light

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper
Dream changer

Chorus
There are no lines to read between
There are no spaces in-between
This is our machine, this is what we made
And this is how it works:

Verse 3
Life intertwining love and fear
We shade our eyes from old ideals
And taking memories to task,
maintain a policy of tears

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper,
Dream chaser

Verse 4
Is this our measure, is this our truth?
Is this the life we bought into?
This is the hegemony we own:
so hard, so effortlessly alone.

When all is said and done
And dreams are all but one
I'll raise you

Salt shaper,
Soul taker

Chorus
There are no lines to read between
There are no spaces in-between
This is our machine, this is what we made
and this is how it works

[this bit would be sung to fade out in the various iterations]
Salt shaper / taker ; time shaper / taker
Dream changer / chaser; Soul shaper / taker /maker;
Bond breaker

Hi mate

These are nice lyrics. I like the Salt Shaper lyric - I took it to mean how life weather us like it weathers salt and rock. I think it fits the context of this song and works really well.

I'm personally not a fan of repeating a word to rhyme and try to avoid it unless it seems necessary. This seems to happen a few times throughout and I wander if maybe some of these lines could be reworded. On the other hand this might have been deliberate and it's fine to do if it fits melodically.

They are very thought provoking lyrics and I like that about them.

All the best
Darren

[Paulski]

Hi John

Nice lyrics - I like the structure especially.
I personally love where you start with "And.." You could make all verses like that if it were up to me
When I read these, I had different section labeling in mind:

When all is said..

to me that's a prechorus

Salt shaper
Time taker

and that's your chorus

There are no lines to read between
There are no spaces in-between
This is our machine, this is what we made
and this is how it works

and that's your bridge!

The only other point I would raise is "salt shaper" sounds like "salt shaker" and might be misheard when sung. But take that with a grain of salt

Good job with this lyric
Paul

[finestrat]

Good lyrics well laid out and I would imagine quite easy for someone good with music to compose a tune for.  Starting with And isn't a problem, you can't get much more popular than My Way !!

[rightly]

I like these lyrics. Inventive and thankfully unusual.
I think it's good to start off with "And".
I've sometimes emphasised the word and when performing my own songs. (I liked it lol.)

I think your lyrics still need some work, I could be wrong,
they sometimes seem to stray, in a confusing way from the theme.

I like the elemental. Salt, of course used to be something that value would be measured by.
For me the song is about evaluation.

it could become something.

[FlatRabbit]

@Darren, thanks very much. I must admit I am prone to a bit of word repeat and do try to avoid it. Now that you mention it (price, night, and perhaps between / in-between) may be a bit too much in this one... will have to have a think!

@ Paul, yes! Section labeling... to tell you the truth I didn't really know how to term things, but yes, the "when all is said and done" bit is defo pre-chorus, and the "salt shaker  " bit, the song in my head has this sung (wistfully) almost in the background by backing singers... indeed the chorus is kind of split too.. really the first three lines are the chorus and then the last bit would be sung a couple of (moody) bars later as an introduction to the next verse... hmmm... perhaps all a bit too complicated! But, hey, if Mogwai were playing this (lol, and that is who is in my head playing it!!) they could work it!!  

@finestrat, hahaha indeed! My Way!

@Rightly, yes, I know what you mean about losing the way, I've often thought the second verse is a bit incongruous with the rest, but on the other hand without it it all becomes too gloomy.. have also thought it might all be too long and either the second or last verse should be for the chop... I vacillate too much to make any decision! But yes, it's always nipping away at me saying... needs a bit of a polish...

[JonDavies]

I would say don't start the song with "and" - you're not following on from anything. If you really need a syllable there an "oh" would probably work

Okay as far as I know there are two occasions when you can rhyme the same word:

1: when there is some clever wordplay e.g.

"You won't find seashells in East End
But you might see shells in East End" - Kano, Seashells In The East

2. When the word before it rhymes

"I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you" The Beach Boys - God Only Knows

At least those are the rules I follow when I write

Other than that I like the lyrics - reading the other reviews it seems I'm a minority for not liking songs starting with "and" so if democracy goes against my advice... Follow my advice anyway because I am quite the tyrant

"Is this our measure, is this our truth?
Is this the life we bought into?
This is the hegemony we own:
so hard, so effortlessly alone." I really like this part

[Darren1664]

@Darren, thanks very much. I must admit I am prone to a bit of word repeat and do try to avoid it. Now that you mention it (price, night, and perhaps between / in-between) may be a bit too much in this one... will have to have a think!

You're welcome FlatRabbit and on further thought there is no harm in repeating a word if it works for the song and you like it. I was listening to the Smiths the other day, Heaven knows I'm Miserable Now, and he repeats the word job but it really seems to work for the song. So although I did point it out I do respect that you may intentionally want it that way and there really is no reason not to repeat a word other than personal preference.

JonDavies makes some good points above.

All the best
Darren