[greenburst]

Hello,

I'm working on a new song called restorer.
Any comments would be appreciated. Recording is not done yet.
The lyrics seems a bit to heavy to me in the meaning of weight.
Do you get the golden thread?

Thanks
Frank

************************

Cascades of memories
I am scrabbling underneath.
Cast a light on
it begins to dawn on me
Compound each fragment
which I lifted up from deep.

So I start diggings in the back of my mind
for fitting pieces to combine.
Try to accomplish
the picture before it fades away.
effort to remember
what was the idea 'bout you and me.

Prechorus
Two guisers growing up my brain.
introduces as Pleasure and Pain.
They're about to tell stories
I won't hear of it, for now.
Some pieces match badly
May I fit you in somehow?

Chorus
Still I miss
fragments of bliss.
I would be a restorer
but I dig away
for all risk of yield.

***Instrumental bridge and solo doodle  ***

Prechorus II:
Need I some specials to solute
this completely different issue?

There's no restorer
where is nothing to restore.
It is you regardless
who I'll always still adore.

Chorus
But I miss some piece of bliss.
If I were a restorer
But I dig away
for all risk of yield.

Chorus
Yeah, I miss fragments of bliss.
I am not a restorer
and I dig away
for all risk of yield.

I am not a restorer
and I dig away
for all risk of yield.

[Kafla]

I really like the lyrics Green but cannot fathom how they will fit into a melody

You have really worked hard here to be original

Great stuff mate - I am looking forward to hearing the song

[greenburst]

Thanks Kafka

The thing about recording is, it takes a while to get the words right from my mind.
And besides, the recording part means to me the lyric progress is going to become final. That's the point of no return.
I'm not finally shure about the words for now

Although I still got the vocal melody always in my mind while writing words.
And you are right, it's hard work attending all those things, sometimes. Plus the fact I'm not writing in my first language. There's a lot of researching in meaning of terms, correct usage and so on.
But it is a challenge and so I'm attracted again and again

I'm looking forward to make first recordings tomorrow, at my first holiday day

Best regards
Frank

 

[postmn]

good lyrics, never seen a setup like this before, so its good to be original , keep em comin

[greenburst]

It's time for short update. So you can hear our very first and very raw version of The Restorer. As you hear it is just a rehearsel take, played slowly and "under-arranged"
Just acoustic, just groping.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/530046/restorer_rehearse.mp3

[tone]

Hi Greenburst

When I first read your lyric, I wasn't sure at all. It sounded like they'd been written in complete isolation from the music. But then I listened to your recording, and to some extent changed my mind.

It's nice to see some lyrics that don't follow the usual format, and they're certainly interesting, if a little arcane.

I think the verses are working really well, but the prechorus and chorus felt a little clumsy to me in terms of delivery. For me, there's melody in words, and some of your lines jarred to my ear. For example, "some pieces match badly" sounds very cluttered; I'd have gone for "some pieces fit badly." Also "they're about to tell stories" is very rushed - I don't know why you didn't sing "telling their stories" or even "starting their stories."

I would be a restorer but I dig away for all risk of yield.... what does this mean?

Musically, I really like this. The lo-fi folky feel really works for this song, and I don't know how fast you intend it to be when finished, but this speed works for me.

[Kafla]

Hi Green,

There is potentially something quite outstanding here.

To be very honest I am not keen on the structure, your prechorus works fine for me as a chorus and I think repeated would work nicely as a hook. Your chorus works fine for me as a mid 8 or outro.

This may be my problem though as I like nice clean arrangements - its just disjointed at the moment.

I dont mind the lyrics at all , I think they are suitably intriguing.

If I was in your band ( and your probably thinking this guy would never be in my band ) I would me mega excited about this but I would want to tidy up the arrangement

[greenburst]

If I was in your band ( and your probably thinking this guy would never be in my band ) I would me mega excited about this but I would want to tidy up the arrangement

Please, could you explain it a bit.
I'm not shure about what exactly you meant with the arrangement to tidy up. Did you mean the structure as you described concerning chorus, middle8 and things like that? Or did you mean the musical arrangement, what does which instrument when...? As I say it is a very early piece of jamming around the song, so we're going to sort out step by step. It takes it's time.

Thank you anyway

[Kafla]

Sorry mate, I mean what I Have described

I really like the direction the music is taking

I just feel the verse, pre chorus, chorus is a little jumbled and it's taking time to get to the hooks

It's just mympersonal opinion you and others might not agree

I worked with a guy years ago who was a professional songwriter and rightly or wrongly he taught me to write songs which get to the hook very quickly, he reckoned that you have 20 seconds to hook someone into a song

I like it when people suggest different options to me, some I discard and some I adopt but it's much better than your song is great, which is could be