[exfairy]

New song. Very pop. Very cheesy. But I still kind of like it. Here's a link to a very rough recording. Please note VERY rough.

https://soundcloud.com/exfairy/cinema-tonight/s-kec1F

I'd love advice on lyrics, structure, chords, melody etc, maybe some ideas of instrumentation or recording things but I do know that this is a crap recording of it - you don't need to tell me. It's a WiP.

Also in the lyrics I've been toying with some alternate words in the chorus that I'm not sure which to use. I've put the ones I don't sing in brackets.

Lyrics:
Hey you, I know that this is strange but
I had the best time at the cinema tonight.

And I-i-i-i was wo-on-de-ring whether you want to do it again?
How about you and me make a routine watching the big screen?

With popcorn in hand, do you like my plan?

Cos I was so surprised
When I saw (caught) your eyes
And you said I looked pretty
Now I've got butterflies
As I look up to the sky
At the cinema tonight

We go to see a brand new action movie
Cos you know rom coms aren't my thing
And horror makes you jump right out of your skin

And we-e-e-e both di-id see the first film of the series
The thing in common's there and I think you care
Would be be a good pair?

Cos I was so surprised
When I saw (caught) your eyes
And you said I looked pretty
Now I've got butterflies
As I improvise
At the cinema tonight

As the credits roll, my heart is in freefall
Until my hand you hold
The night's turned to gold

Cos I was so surprised
When I saw (caught) your eyes
And you said I looked pretty
Now I've got butterflies
As we say (kiss) goodbye
At the cinema tonight

[CaliaMoko]

Hi exfairy!

I like cheesy. I'm not, in general, a love song fan, but I know they're the most popular kind, and yours is very engaging.

I like the melody, for the most part. I think there might be a couple spots that could use a little spiffing up. Maybe.

Lyrics: I see a couple possible opportunities for improvement. The line "When I saw (or caught) your eyes" doesn't feel to me like it fits the story line. I wonder if something like "By the look in your eyes", would work, if it's followed by "When you said I looked pretty"?

The line "As I look up to the sky" feels to me like it is only there to fill out the syllable requirement and rhyme with the other lines. I think you're saying you're turning back toward the screen and looking up at it, but "up to the sky" implies (in my mind, anyway) looking higher than the screen. Would it work to say something like "As I turn and look aside"? To me that implies the main attraction is the other person, so looking at the screen would be looking aside. But that might be too much of a stretch. Food for thought, anyway.

"Would be be a good pair" I assume should be "Would we be a good pair".

I'm not a fan of "yodaspeak", so I would find another way to say "Until my hand you hold", or change that part so you don't need to turn your sentence backwards like that.

There's a couple spots where the strong syllables don't match the strong beats, but I'll have to go back and listen some more to catch those. I'll get them later.

What I really like about this is the natural way you say everything. I wanted to tell you more about what I like, but my computer is acting like it's about to crash and I don't want to lose everything I've written so far. I'll try to get back to it later. Suffice to say, I don't have only criticism for this, or I wouldn't have written this much.

I'll be back.

Vicki

[Cawproductions]

Hi,

I love this song, really catchy,

You have a sweet voice too.

Great work.

Andy

[Cazrolina]

This song is so cute, full of feel good factor.  In agreement with Vicki on the lyrics: comments made.
Just had another listen and this really is such a fun and charming track. Nicely done.