[Freeman]

Hi there,

I'm new here at this forum, still discovering.

Wrote that song these days and would like to know what you think. Any suggestions would be appreciated too.
What was the idea behind?
Bosses. Any sort of them. Those who make our daily lifes difficult and leave us angry and frustrated, sometimes.
I chewed a bit on the idea and what it means to me, and dropped the first version of that song in first person perspective.
But it was way too angry to me.
So I changed the perspective by 180 degrees and let the 'boss' narrate from his perspective.
Did make more sense to me, even because of the jaunty and kind of naively melody (tune's not ready for now, but I'm on it and will post it soon).

So, what would you think?
Thanks for your patience.


Under my thumb

(verse)
So many sheeps under my thumb
rally around my trough
Gonna take and ruminate, no matter
what I put in front of their snout (mouth?)

Too many sheeps in my barn
Ten, twenty, I've lost count.
Doesn't matter as long as them all have
something to complain about.

(PreChorus)
I don't care about my bad joking
Still have laughters on my side.
Eat out of my hand as much as you can
Full bellies blank your mind.

(Chorus)
Under my thumb.
Under my thumb.

(verse)
So many bricks in my wall
Unmovable and tight
I can bang on as I want
They'll keep in line and quiet.

So tiny cogs in my wheel
Just need them mesh and roll
Got replaced when out of line
That's it about their goal.

(PreChorus)
(Chorus)

(verse)
Just make me feel like doing well
even better over time
I got your food, more enough
to get you through good times.

Oh, when we come in heavy swell
Guess, you don't want to die
There's nothing I can do for you
So row hard for your lifes!

[diademgrove]

Hi Freeman,

welcome to the forum.

There are a couple of grammatical points, sorry if they are just typing mistakes.

Sheep is both singular and plural, there is no s at the end.

In the second verse "them" should be "they".

In the pre-chorus laughters should lose its s and become laughter.

I like the first verse, I think its a really strong introduction to the song. Personally I prefer snout to mouth. It gives it an additional edge.

I feel the pre-chorus needs a bit of work to set up the chorus. I think "bad" is unnecessary and implies the person knows his/her jokes are awful. I see your boss as somebody who thinks all his/her jokes are funny.

I feel turning "still" into "I" makes the line stronger.

After "blank your mind" I be tempted to add "you're" to set up the "under my thumb" chorus.

There are some good lines in the 2nd and 3rd verses but they don't really take the song forward for me. They are basically a repetition of the first verse. You have a couple of different directions to go. You could develop the boss' character more, what's important to him/her, how he treats his/her employees etc.

Alternatively you could add a bridge or middle 8 and bring in another voice, the words of one of his/her sheep.

If you disagree please ignore me. The beginning of your song really works for me, sorry about the rest.

If you haven't already please have a read of the few rules we have. They help make this forum the friendly place it is.

Keith

[Mike67]

I think this is a nice idea and a good start, and diademgrove makes valid points.

I think the lyric would be stronger with few changes. I understand the idea of under my thumb, but I'm not sure that works with the sheep metaphor. Under my feet might work better, and conveys a sense of you boss recognising that he needs the sheep, but thinks that the just get in his way, i.e. he doesn't value them. Another idea might be each verse covering a different animal and conveying something different that he dislikes about his staff.  I'd need some thinking through, but could work.

So many sheep, grazing at my feet

So many chickens, pecking at me feet

So many cows, standing on my feet

etc.

Mike

[Freeman]

Thank you guys, I appreciate your suggestions. Got some food for thought.

Keith, you are right, of course. I wished, those grammatical slips were just typos. Sheep, yes, sorry for my inattention. I am non-native, so I need to doublecheck for correctness.
Guess, I'll have to drop some 's' -ess. Thank you.

Prechorus: 'Still' turning into 'I' make a lot of sense to me and it feels much more connected when singing.

I got your point about the 2nd and 3rd verse. I'm alright with the 2nd verse, because I like the 'complain about' thing.
The 3rd verse seems the most loose to me as well. I'm going to rewrite it completely. For the moment I think it might be the right moment to throw the spotlight on the inferiors,
especially to prepare the stage for the 4th verse with its 'goal' idea - yes, make sense to me.

Mike, thank you for your ideas. The one verse - one animal thing you mentioned was my very first attempt as well. It started well, but went in the wrong direction after a while. I felt it a bit to folk-ish, something like a farmer related song.

All the same, I would like to make the sheep metaphor work. What if I use an alternate subject in the very first verse, something more ambiguous like 'chicks' (ok, doesn't make sense with 'ruminate')?

Thank you again, need to reflect a bit.

[mikek]

i agree with the suggestion that 'under my thumb' may need to be reconsidered.  if it weren't already used by an extremely well known rolling stones song, it might play better.