[persis]

Hey guys, I just wrote this. Let me know what you think. Thanks in advanced!!
ROAMER
Eyes wide open
I can finally see
Everyone is falling
I am struggling to breath
Flesh turning to bones
Giving up the ghosts
Life ain't a friend to me
It's just a host

What does it really mean
When everyone is a roaming
And everyone is talking
But no one is listening
We are all closing our eyes
Choosing to be blind
We only want to see colors
But never the cries

For those who said
They've changed the world
Here's a word of wisdom
You have to change your nation
Before you change the world
You say you changed communities
No apologies
Change your family
To change your family
You change yourself
no apologies

We are all roamers
We don't see what truly surrounds us
Sometimes I wonder if it's society
Or because we close our eyes to society

Everyone is a roamer
Living without a clue
Walking past each other
Brushing shoulders too
Eyes always on the screen
You don't hear
Your brother's scream
Sending hearts to someone
On the other side of the screen....

Eyes wide open
I can finally see....

[Mike67]

Hi.  I'm not quite sure of the structure, and could probably say more if I've heard it with a melody.  However, some really good imagery and ideas here; it just needs some structure and refining to get it into a finished form. For example, I really like the first two verses and there's a clear structure.  However, it's seems to fall away after that, although the ideas are still sound.  It just needs to fit within a consistent structure, I think, with the hook of a chorus or refrain. I may be missing something.

Good work and keep it up.

Mike

[persis]

Hey Mike!
Thank you for your suggestion.
I can see what you saying about creating a structure.
I will work on that.
There spaces between the verses are for choruses. I am still working on them.

Thanks again, for your help!

Persis.

[Vintage54]

  Hi there,
    Always got time for songs like this, songs that really care. Songs born of frustration, and hoping for a better way. The sentiment is sound, not sure about the flow, it could have come out better, but it comes from the heart, and only a fool would put that down.

                    Vintage54

[PaulAds]

Yeah...this is very good too.

Great to see a whole load of very talented writers have hopped on board recently 

Excellent!

[Herbstein]

Hi,

I don't think I can add anything that hasn't been said. I do want to point out what a great job you've done with the imagery. I think that, despite the lack of structure in the latter half, you're conveying a very strong message.

[Freeman]

Hi Mike,

I like the natural flow and the way you take me in from verse to verse and let me follow. Your words come from a healthy source of angriness - as somebody said before, I feel the same way.
Do you have already some music to your words? I'm curious about it.
A bit loose of structure for now, but I guess it might fit right with music, really depends on it.

cheers, Freeman.