konalavadome

Come back to me please

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finestrat

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« on: February 27, 2017, 11:01:41 AM »
 This is my first stab at country and western. I'm going to try and do a tune for it unless someone else wants to give it a shot.

Verse 1

The minute you stormed out the door
I knew it was over of that I was sure
Can't say I blame you, I hurt you, I shamed you
And you couldn't take it no more

Verse 2

I've done some dumb stuff in my time
And said crazy things when I've had too much wine
But this time I blew it, immediately knew it
I must have been out of my mind.

Chorus

Come back to me please I beg you 
My life is so empty don't know what to do
Lets get back together I'll love you forever
And make all your wishes come true

Verse 3

Stopped drinking, I wont start again
After it caused so much heartache and pain
I promise its over been clean since October
And that's how Its gonna remain

Verse 4

Don't think that there's more I can say
Come back to me soon or I'm going away
I hope you're forgiving cause life ain't worth living
I miss you so much every day

Chorus

Come back to me please I beg you 
My life is so empty don't know what to do
Lets get back together I'll love you forever
And make all your wishes come true 

Copyright February 27th 2017







JonDavies

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« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2017, 01:42:00 PM »
Not my main genre but I'll give it a try

I've done some dumb stuff in my time
And said crazy things after too much wine
But this time I blew it, immediately knew it
I must have been out of my mind.

I think this reads a bit better but obviously it's about how it fits with the music

Otherwise I liked it

finestrat

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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2017, 02:39:08 PM »
Hi Jon

I've done some dumb stuff in my time
And said crazy things after too much wine

Don't think that fits with the rhythm/tempo or at least what I had in mind.  Great if you want to try and put a c/w tune to it. 

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2017, 05:05:04 PM »
It sang well and easily with a country style and melody.  Everything flowed fine, and it sang with good drama.  Pretty sure that the melody I so easily "found" was actually borrowed, but that's of no consequence because you will be using your own melody.  

The important point is that it DOES fit the genre well and flows well.  It sings much better than it "reads."  

That's good.  It's not a poem, it's a lyric.  The only nit I could find was a few too many "ands" that didn't seem necessary.  

Ohhh.  One other thing.  In the last line in the chorus, I'd suggest "make all OUR wishes come true" instead of "make all YOUR wishes come true."  Not sure why, but it just "felt" better with our.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2017, 05:08:21 PM by hardtwistmusic »
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Martinswede

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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2017, 07:39:45 PM »
Hi finestrat!

Your lyrics are good. But it could use a second write.
Some parts are just too rhyme friendly.
It took a while till I found the rhyme pattern for the third
line in the verse. It works good.

The chorus could use some spark. Maybe a different
perspective. Or just more repetition. At the moment it
doesn't have a strong line to pull the rest of it.
My hard judgement would be to change the title.
'Come back please' would open for a broader chorus.

Come back please
I'm so empty I'm on my knees
With you forever, love will keep us together
The pain in my heart do need an ease

Just a suggestion. And yes I recognize the  Layla part.

- Martin

finestrat

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« Reply #5 on: February 28, 2017, 09:17:27 AM »
@Martinswede @hardtwistmusic

Thank you both for your comments which I think were for the most part, spot on. Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees and it takes fresh eyes to point things out.  I made the title up on the spur of the moment because it didn't have one so I'll rename it.  I'm going to rewrite it, hopefully today and I'll post it again in this thread when I've finished it.

finestrat

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« Reply #6 on: February 28, 2017, 11:52:04 AM »
Okay, I've rewritten this trying to incorporate suggestions from Martinswede and hardtwistmusic.
I've renamed it Come back Please.

Still maybe too rhyme friendly but I guess that's just the way I write lyrics.  Tried to rewrite the chorus and get rid of the word and.  Don't know if I've made it better or worse anyway here goes.

  Come Back Please

Verse 1

The minute you stormed out the door
I knew it was over I'd seen it before
Can't say I blame you, I hurt you, I shamed you
Guess you couldn't take it no more

Chorus

Come back to me please I beg you
Come back  to me please I don't know what to do
Come back to me cutie my vision of beauty
We'll make all our wishes come true

Verse 2

I've done some dumb stuff in my time
I've said crazy things when I've drunk too much wine
But this time I blew it, immediately knew it
I must have been out of my mind.

Verse 3

Stopped drinking, I wont start again
After it caused so much heartache and pain
I promise its over been clean since October
And that's how Its gonna remain

Chorus

Come back to me please I beg you
Come back  to me please I don't know what to do
Come back to me cutie my vision of beauty
We'll make all our wishes come true

Verse 4

Don't think that there's more I can say
Come back to me soon I'm just wasting away
I hope you're forgiving cos life ain't worth living
I miss you so much every day


Copyright February 28th 2017

Mike67

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« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2017, 01:41:43 PM »
I like it, and the 2nd version does improve on the first. Definitely fits the genre and scans well.  I think it's fine as it is, but I've worked through and made some changes along the way.  Don't think it's adds an awful lot, so take or leave.

Good work.

Mike


Come Back Please

Verse 1

The minute you stormed out the door
I knew it was over, I've been there before
Can't say I blame you, I hurt you, I shamed you
Why the hell should you take any more?

Chorus

Come back to me please, I beg you
Come back to me please, I don't know what to do
Come back one last time, I’ll make damn sure we’re fine
And I’ll make all your wishes come true

Verse 2

I've done some dumb stuff in my time
I've said crazy things, and put it down to wine
But this time I blew it, immediately knew it
I must have been out of my mind.

Verse 3

Stopped drinking, I wont start again
After it caused so much heartache and pain
I promise it’s over, been clean since October
And that's how it’s gonna remain

Chorus

Come back to me please, I beg you
Come back to me please, I don't know what to do
Come back one last time, I’ll make damn sure we’re fine
And I’ll make all your wishes come true.

Verse 4

Don't think there's much more I can say
Come back to me soon, hell, I'm wasting away
I hope you're forgiving cos life ain't worth living
And it’s worth less and less every day.

finestrat

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« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2017, 04:51:04 PM »
Hi Mike67

One of the criticisms was that there were too many "and's" in the first version so replacing them was one of the reasons I wrote it again. Apart from that I like some of the verse changes which give it a bit more grit.  Thanks for the input

Pete

Vintage54

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« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2017, 11:43:55 PM »

   Hello,
     I can hear a country sound, no problem there. The only problem i can point a finger at, is the lack of freshness in the words. Some of the lines flirt too much with cliche, and lack originality. That said, the right music would probably prove me wrong.

                       Vintage54

finestrat

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« Reply #10 on: March 01, 2017, 02:51:48 PM »
@Vintage54

Thanks for the input.
You could well be right, I think composing lyrics having a certain style of music in mind is always going to influence the outcome.  In this case it was difficult to avoid using country and western cliches whilst thinking of how a country and western song might be phrased.  I'll bear your comments in mind.   

Mike67

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« Reply #11 on: March 01, 2017, 04:26:20 PM »
To avoid the clichés, just write a lyric to a country and western melody, but don't consciously write a country and western song.  I tried to write one a while back called 'House in the country', which was about a couple asking for help to find a new home (well known TV property programme in the UK), but in this case it turned out that they wanted to move because their relationship was tired and they were desperate to rejuvenate it. That gives a slightly different perspective, but still fits the country theme.

So my advice is find an angle, have a basic melody in mind, then sit back enjoy the creative process.  Didn't do anything with it in the end, but one of the most fun lyrics I've worked on (pasted below).

Hope that helps. :)

Mike



House In The Country

These tired old walls are closing in
The rooms are damp and the carpet's thin
The boiler's broke and the doors don't close
And through the hall a cold wind blows

The bedroom's seen much better days
The walls are damp and the bed's unmade
It overlooks a sea of weeds
wilting flowers and fallen trees

Chorus:
Find us a house in the country
We need another place to be
A pretty cottage with a garden
A bed and breakfast by the sea
A country pile with 20 acres
We'll take whatever you can find
Find us a house in the country
So we can leave it all behind

We want to go where the grass is green
Where the carpet's thick and the rooms are clean
And the table's always nicely laid
The linen's ironed and the beds are made

Chorus

It wasn't meant to be this way
We grew apart a little every day
Now we don't know what else to do
So we're putting all our faith in you

Tonbridge Wells or Clitheroe,
Royston, Buxton, John O Groats
Malham Bridge or Peterlee,
Langley, Longford, Leigh On Sea,
Portobello, Glasgow, Leith,
Aberystwyth, Newport, Neath,
Cardiff, Swansea, Belvedere,
Pretty much anywhere else but here

Chorus

finestrat

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« Reply #12 on: March 01, 2017, 11:14:03 PM »
Thanks Mike
Yes , spot on, I was actually conscious that I was  using c/w cliches as I was writing it , I won't be doing that again.
It's the first time I've written a song to fit a style, all my other stuff has been written off the cuff and from the heart.
I think your house in the country song is brilliant.